We’re baaaaaaack! Hands up if you were waiting through lockdown for the borza season of Bachelor to finish so we could get to ANGEL HEAD Brooke Blurton‘s season of The Bachelorette Australia? Same.

Also, I’m back? I can’t leave Pedestrian it’s like I’m a sewer gremlin hiding in the toot pipes waiting for my opportunity to word-vomit on this website. I’ll never stop! You can’t make me and neither can the law! I’m ready-and-super-psyched to be here for Bachie recaps, come on this journey with me, pour that RSL-sized wine, prepare to be underwhelmed by the eligible people of this country.

Let’s go.

So first we need to discuss Brooke’s dress because we’re going to need to discuss it. I know, I know – the gloved sleeves, it’s like a sleep paralysis demon. But a) Brooke looks amazing b) its a designer dress by Yousef Akbar so it was always going to be a bit couture-extra and c) lets remember that this is shot in the dead of winter and be thankful that she gets to be WARM. Pray for those on Love Island Australia, you know?

*feeling smug due to hand warmth*

On to the show. So I already am obsessed with Brooke – I mean, we all were right? She just seems like GOOD PEOPLE. Her whole intro goes back over that whole Honey Badger fiasco (but also why am I still in love with the Badge even after he broke about 13 women’s hearts over three episodes?) and her fling with Alex Nation, which I completely forgot about lol. But more importantly she talks about representation, and how she’d feel as a kid seeing this season, and I know it took 40,000 years for Bachelorette to get with the times and have an Indigenous bisexual Bachie but it still FEELS DAMN GOOD GUYS. I feel like this will be the best season yet.

So I fast forwarded through ads and landed on this and thought this guy was a suitor for Brooke which would have been WILD:

Senior Citizen Bachelor WHEN

But it turns out he’s part of a group of elders doing a Welcome to Country!!!! On Bachie!!!! We love to see it!!

Then Osher has his usual intense chat with Brooke where he looks like ten puppies were run over while the suitors were on their way to the mansion:

“I am so sorry, but you are going to have to dance on national television”

And we’re on! First out is Holly, who everyone is like “didn’t she just win Bachelor?” I couldn’t tell you because I was watching paint dry instead. She’s tall and blonde Bond Lady hot and a dancer, so of course she asks Brooke to slow dance with her and you can pinpoint the moment Brooke’s like “oh dear god no why are they making us do this”.

*prays for flowers to become sentient beings and consume her*

Brooke likes Holly, but she also really likes Darvid The Magician – he’s not a magician but he is wearing a sparkly blazer and only magicians wear those, so he is now The Magician. He makes her drink Persian tea on the cold cement floor, what fun!

It’s The Great Daaaaaarvid!!!! Roll up rrrroll up to see his feats of wonderrrrr!

Next is this guy who brings a camera, tells Brooke she’s “cute AF” (he literally says “AF”) and starts being like “yaaaas gurl act naturaaaaal get it”, snapping away while she stands there wanting to be swallowed by the earth.

Look like you’ve got a secret but with your eyes, daaahhling

Anyway next is Karissa (Clarissa? Kerissa? IDK) and she’s a hot pick for me to be a top three. She’s a babe, she’s very deep-spiritual vibes, I just feel it in me waters that she’s gonna go far. She tells this really sad story about her parents dying a few years ago and how she would see rainbows all the time back then, and just started seeing them again now. It’s pretty heavy for Bachie but Brooke then says she saw a rainbow on the way in and felt it was a sign. They’re getting married, that’s it.

start a Bachie sweeps NOW and put $50 on this one

It gets even more MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN. Karissa has painted Brooke a picture of a turtle with a rainbow shell, and Brooke tells Klerissa her totem is a turtle (!!!) and she loves the ocean (!!) she’s totally speechless because she’s currently planning which voluminous gloved dress to wear for the wedding.

Then we get Konrad, who is clearly a tradie coz he arrives dressed as a tradie with a chair he made (!!) but his name is Konrad so he also is secretly a magician, I’m sure of it. Brooke finds him mysterious and sexy.

STEP RIIIIGHT UP FOLKS IT’S THE FANTASTICAL KONRAAAAAAAD! Watch him swallow FIRE from the jaws of a DRAGOOOON

Next is Matt, who does this terrible, horrible rap but I love him because afterward he’s like “why did I rap”. He’s my favourite.

Then there’s a woman who made brownies and then there’s this girl, whose name I’ve forgotten but was on Brooke’s season of Bachelor and apparently harboured a deep, undying love for her that she feels was reciprocated, even though I can’t for the life of me remember who she is or any secret crushes in that season.

whomst

JAMIE-LEE. That’s her name. Anyway when Jamie-Lee goes into the cocktail party she’s all nervous and like, legit no one knows who she is from a bar of soap, just like me. But the producers have deffo fed someone the line “who is that, she looks familiar”. Holly, who I swear has also been told who Jamie-Lee is, BARRELS over and I mean BARRELS, she basically shoves the girl she’s sitting with out of the way, falls over the fire pit and leaps into Jamie-Lee’s line of vision to declare she remembers her from Bachie Of Old.

*puffs uncontrollably* Weren’tyouonBacheloooooor! *passes out*

So the first person Brooke takes for a chat is Klarissa/Kerissa, and guys I didn’t want to mention it coz I genuinely, a professional writer, fuck up words on the regular but she has now said “syncrenocity” twice and SOMEONE TELL THE POOR WOMAN IT’S SYNCHRONICITY. (Is it synchronicity?)

Anyway they, as I said, have The Spark and it SHOWS. Everyone is poo-poo jealous of their connection, so naturally some gal is like “SoRrY To InTeRrUpT”. Then she gets interrupted by someone else – god I love this bit. The chaos.

Meanwhile TELL ME THIS MAN IS NOT A MAGICIAN.

LESS LYING MORE MAGIC TRICKS

Konrad’s chair that he “made” with Brooke has been all set up in some dark swampy part of the garden, and he’s very excited to de-virginise the love seat with Brooke. He keeps banging on about wanting the respect from the others to allow him and Brooke to use it “first”.

Just, please don’t have sex with the love seat, Konrad.

Anyway, of course someone else steers Brooke over to the love seat and Konrad is VERY UPSET.

YOU DEFILED MY LOVE SEAT

There is a lot of “ohohooho SO DISRESPECT!!!!” from everyone but Jess is like “haha whatever”. Meanwhile, Brooke is out here pashing on with Jamie-Lee, so pull your heads in everyone.

You: arguing about the defiled love seat. Jamie-Lee: stealing your girl

Anyway next is the white rose. No, Turtle Girl does not get it!!! It goes to… The Great Darvid.

Brooke explains that she’s big on first impressions and Darvid impressed her. She doesn’t go into detail so methinks this is a producer decision.

Then it’s the rose ceremony, and basically there’s a lot of Konrad being like “surely Jess won’t be let through” and Jess being like “surely I will get through”. Shock! Dismay! Both get through. Also, new thought – Konrad is definitely the Matchbox 20 guy 2.0:

She said BABEHHHH it’s 3am I must be LOOOOONELLLLLEHHHH

And Jess is definitely Irena’s evil twin:

she thought locking me in the basement would keep the world safe. She was WRONG

Anyway, this guy goes home.

sorry pal didn’t get the best screenshot of you, fare thee well brother

Tomorrow! It’s the inaugural awkward photo shoot, of course. Can’t wait.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and her boyfriend was approached to be on this Bachie season but declined (idiot). You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.