After 37 years on the air, one million different intersecting plotlines and at least 10 house fires and five car crash disasters of unspeakable traumatic impact, Neighbours came to an end in July 2022. Well, for about three seconds. Then it came back. You really had us for a second there, Ramsey Street.
During its (original) runtime, Neighbours kicked the living shit out of every single soap opera on the air when it came to cooked plots. I mean sure there was that whole thing with the attempted murder via bear with a woman slathered in honey on Bold and the Beautiful, but Neighbours possessed a certain Aussie je ne sais quoi that was simply unmatched.
And so, here are the most cooked plots from the long-running soap. Pls enjoy, and remember the pure, unadulterated fuckery that once was.
THERE WERE CHARACTERS CALLED STONEFISH, TOADFISH, STINGRAY AND TADPOLE
Whoever decided to “nickname” a bunch of siblings/cousins Stonefish, Toadfish, Tadpole and Stingray Rebecchi is… well actually they’re bloody geniuses. I take all my hats off to them.
This scene features Tad (Tadpole) but I’ve mainly put it here because it also involves an absolutely pathetic “bomb” going off in a bin and Michelle Scully pulling some epic react-face.
JULIE ACCUSES HER CHINESE NEIGHBOURS OF EATING HER DOG
WHAT THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK. WHO APPROVED THIS??
A TORNADO HIT ERINSBOROUGH
Erinsborough is meant to be in Melbourne. Not fucking Far-North Queensland. A tornado? Really?
I have to say though, I was gooped, gagged and gathered when this happened. I simply live for the chaos.
MOST OF RAMSAY STREET GETS ON A PLANE, WHICH THEN CRASHES
Most of Ramsay St gets onto an aeroplane. The plane then crashes into the Bass Strait, killing off David Bishop, his wife Liljana and daughter Serena. No one really cared about them but STILL. It was WILD.
There were moments where people thought Susan Kennedy and Harold might have carked it. That’s huge. Especially when you consider that Susan is almost canonically immortal.
Here’s a great fan-made “music video” about the crash, to the iconic tune of ‘Behind Hazel Eyes’ by Kelly Clarkson. Good stuff.
ZEKE GOES MISSING AND IS KIDNAPPED BY A MAN WHO BELIEVES HE’S HIS DEAD SON
This video is shocking – but basically, Zeke goes missing on a wild rafting trip. Then, he resurfaces – with amnesia, as Neighbours loves to use amnesia as a plot device – with Phil Andrews, who thinks Zeke is his dead son. Yeah, ok. Eventually Zeke regains his memory, realises who he is, and returns to the Kennedys.
PAUL ROBINSON’S EVIL CHILD, ROBERT
Robert Robinson (yes, really) was one of the best villains to ever hit Erinsborough. One of Paul & Gail’s triplets, he was a straight-up psychopath from start to finish, arriving in the suburb posing as his brother Cameron, who he sent into a coma.
He tries to kill his dad and murder everyone, basically – he plants the bomb on the Tassie plane that kills off David Bishop and his family. Tries to gas his father’s girlfriend Izzy Hoyland to death, then cuts up a secret recording to convince his dad Izzy was flirting with him & subsequently breaks them up.
He plants a bomb in his sister Elle’s car. I mean. Can it get better? YES. Robert’s final evil deed is to tie his dad up in a MINE SHAFT, then collapses it. Oh, and later tries to shoot his dad in the chest.
SUSAN GETS AMNESIA AND THINKS SHE’S 16
Fuck me, this was easily one of the best Neighbours plotlines ever. Susan Kennedy slips on some spilt milk (love) and wakes up thinking she’s her 16 year old self. This means she’s revolted by her husband Karl – who, by the way, she’s JUST patched things up with after his affair with Sarah Beaumont.
Whoever wrote this cooked shit deserved a raise. I sure do hope they got one.
HAROLD BISHOP MIRACULOUSLY RETURNS FROM THE DEAD
Neighbours loves to bring people back from the dead, and Harold was absolutely the most wild return for the show. Dude went missing off a cliff face with like, his glasses being the only thing found. Then five years later, he rocks up with some mild amnesia and after a bit of thinking his name is Todd, it’s just business as usual.
THE GUY WHO FOUND JESUS THE DAY OF HIS WEDDING
Hooo boy. Guys this was the first-ever storyline I followed, as a tender wee babe (read: I was 8 or something). I watched it in secret on my Mum’s bedroom TV coz (shocker) we weren’t allowed to watch Neighbours.
Anyway, I wish this scene had a YouTube clip because it was outstanding – Mark and Annalise were about to get married, when BAM! Mark looks at a statue of Jesus, the camera zooms in on Jesus, then on Mark’s sweaty face, and suddenly he decides then and there that he absolutely must become a priest and therefore can’t marry Annalise.
Fucking glorious shit, mates.
MARC DUMPS STEPH MID-WEDDING FOR HER SISTER, FLICK
SHIIIIT YOU GUYS this was the best moment in Neighbours history, fight me on it. This video is absolute piss but it’s all that’s online so just deal with the pixellated garbage and get the vibe of Steph Scully’s own SISTER Flick being complicit in the destruction of her wedding to dickhead Marc. Fucking fantastic areas.
PAUL MURDERS GUS & BURNS DOWN LOU’S PLACE JUST SO HE COULD START LASSITERS
Paul Robinson, you bloody villainous marvel. Has absolutely no issue murdering and committing arson to get what he wants.
DEE BLISS DIES, THEN RETURNS AS AN EVIL DOPPELGANGER
So firstly – iconic Neighbours moment, Dee Bliss and Toadie Rebecchi driving off into the sunset after their wedding, only to have their car FLY OFF A CLIFF and for Dee to go missing. Tragic. Monumental. Great TV.
Good lord, the evil Dee doppelganger plot line made absolutely zero logical sense but how good is this moment – Toadie video chats his wife Sonya, thinks she’s cheated on him (for reasons that honestly, who cares about anymore) then manages to fuck up closing the video chat so Sonya gets an eyeful of Toadie cheating on her. OUTSTANDING BULLSHIT.
The same night, Toadie discovers a passport that says ‘Andrea Somers’, and confronts fake Dee about it, who admits that yes, she is not his long-lost wife who drowned. Wowsers.
RACHEL AND HER TEACHER ANGUS FALL IN LOVE AND HE GETS SENT TO JAIL FOR IT
Ah, another fan-made couple video. So Rachel meets Angus and lies, saying she’s a uni student. Then, she realises he’s her teacher. But their love is REAL, guys.
They have an illicit affair, which Declan eventually reveals to Dan Fitzgerald, and the entire clusterfuck leads to ANGUS GOING TO JAIL FOR 6 MONTHS. You’d think being jailed for your illegal love would be enough to make you leave it the hell alone, but no – these two continued to be on/off for ages.
MARLENE WENT ON A CRUISE AND JUST NEVER RETURNED
Marlene was the nosy parker of Ramsay St, so I guess it made sense that they could kind of send her off on a world cruise and just… never have her return. Fans absolutely noticed, though – we just didn’t have Twitter/FB to alert the world about it at the time.
BOUNCER THE DOG HAS AN ENTIRE DREAM SEQUENCE
What in the living shit is happening here. I don’t know. I wasn’t watching Neighbours in 1990 and now I’m really fucking glad about it let me tell you. This looks like one writer had an acid trip and it somehow made the editing cut.
CHERYL STARK IS KIDNAPPED BY ECUADOREAN REBELS
Here’s a casual one. Cheryl Stark jets off to Ecuador after she finds out her son Brett has been jailed on suspicion of drug smuggling there.
Dramatically, she’s kidnapped by rebels and her partner Lou has to choof over there too to rescue her. When she returns, it’s revealed she actually had an affair with one of her captors, and Lou breaks off their relationship. I mean, can you even make this shit up.
CARMELLA CAMMENITI BECOMES A NUN FOR A BIT
LOL, Carmella. The daughter of a supposed mob boss, she stirs shit in Erinsborough via an on/off relationship with Connor O’Niell, who had previously been involved with Michelle Scully, a much more loved Neighbours character.
Anyway, Connor goes hunting for Carmella after she pisses off for a while, and he discovers she’s become a… nun. She stays a nun for like 0.5 seconds before resuming her OG life.
TOADIE’S WEDDING TO SONYA LITERALLY EXPLODES
Toadie’s a bit cursed on the wedding front, but this explosion took the cake. Legit, his wedding to Sonya explodes and characters Rhys and Priya are killed, while Sonya ends up in a coma for 5 days.
The explosion cause? A gas bottle. Seems pretty low key for Neighbours but I’ll give it to them as a batshit plot line purely because Toadie had already had his first wife Dee die via driving off a cliff, and realising Steph Scully doesn’t love him mid-ceremony for his second wedding.
SUSAN MISCARRIES HER DAUGHTERS SURROGATE BABY AND HER SON-IN-LAW DOESN’T REALISE COS HE’S LISTENING TO HIS IPOD
So firstly, Susan – Libby Kennedy’s mum – offers to be her surrogate. This seems… odd. Right? It’s weird? I can’t imagine a doctor even approving this? Like Susan isn’t a spring chicken is she. A fucking babe, hell yeah. But surely almost hitting menopause.
Anyway, her and Libby’s partner Dan have a tiff, Susan walks after him but Dan has his iPod on. Susan falls, calls to him, he can’t hear, and she miscarries the baby.
LIBBY SLEEPS WITH TAJ, HER STUDENT
Look, Taj was 18 and they VERY much stressed this during this plot line, but hey it’s still fucking hectic that Libby, his teacher, literally BONES HIM. It obviously doesn’t go well and she has some big regrets but still. SEX. WITH A STUDENT. AT 6.30PM ON AUSSIE TV.
DECLAN NAPIER MOVES ON FROM WIFE BRIDGET’S DEATH QUICK-SMART WITH KATE KENNEDY
Was this just an excuse for me to put a fan made compilation video in this article again? Yes.
But also, this plotline was wild because one of the shows well-loved couples – Didge (lolll) and Declan, ended after Didge died of a blood clot. Fans were in uproar when Declan moved on with Kate Ramsay in record speed, but eventually the pair became another well-loved couple.
Just goes to show when you cark it on an Aussie soapie there’s NO mourning period.
DELTA GOODREM’S ‘BORN TO TRY’ IS LITERALLY RELEASED WITHIN A PLOT
I was in like… Year 10? I think? When Delta Goodrem was on Neighbours. It was the BEST. She had a full-on love triangle going with Taj and Jack, but most importantly, the entire presence of her character Nina was to use her as a vehicle to release Delta’s first single, ‘Born To Try’, which Nina “writes” in the show. INTO IT.
