Oh my sweet Jesus in a handbasket on wheels, why is this episode of The Bachelorette TWO HOURS LONG. I can’t remember a time from before this episode. I don’t recall what life was like back then. I think we used payphones and drank Tia Maria.

I’m just getting straight into it because there is so much to get through FUCK. Okay. I can do this. We can do this, together. This is really the time when you need a recap, right? I’ll cut all the boring shit out for you.

So. We start with a group date – it’s painting! Please, God give us an Abbie Chatfield self-portrait masterpiece!

PUT IT IN THE LOUVRE, COWARDS

But no. This time, it’s a representation of Brooke – it was her idea, a way to see who knows her well. Very nicely done, Brooke. We get the usual boring stuff that’s really fucking obvious, like paintings of literal words describing Brooke (looking at you, Millie/Enrique) but then we also get Konrad, who almost steals Abbie’s crown:

Hmm not Louvre level but NSW art gallery? I’ll allow it.

It’s stunning. It’s majestic. But it also gets Brooke going with the tears because it turns out Konrad’s been listening, and includes plenty of notes in his art relating to things Brooke has said during their time together. She feels he actually knows “real Brooke”, and picks him for one-on-one time.

It… does not go well. It starts off great – the two clearly have amazing chemistry, as we all would with the earring-wearing magician. He’s sexy! But then Brooke asks what they would look like as a couple. What would they do? Etc.

Konrad is like “well I quit my job before coming on the show lol and now I just wanna ~find myself!~”. Yep. Brooke is like:

ah yes, that chestnut

She tells us that she’s a pretty realist-type person and would like some actual reality checking from old Magic Man. Does he… have a plan? Literally anything, my dude? Turns out no – there are some record awkward silences from him as she attempts to even have him say “travel” or “be an influencer”. It clearly leaves a bad taste in her mouth.

But on to the final solo date! It’s Darvid and Brooke, and the poor guy can’t cop a normal date with this woman. First, it’s jettisoning themselves off a cliff face for tea, now it’s stomping on grapes in a winery. WHY. JUST GIVE THEM TEN BOTTLES OF WINE, IT’S ALL ANY OF US WANT.

make it stop

Afterward they’re drinking wine which I sincerely hope wasn’t anywhere near the foot grapes.

Notes of tinea

Brooke says she loves that they don’t take themselves too seriously, but also that they CAN be serious together. They have a pretty intense convo in which Brooke reveals her fear of not being enough for someone, which is totally heartbreaking. She cries, he comforts her, and they have an epic pash. It’s clear Darvid is a front-runner.

Then we have a cocktail party! Midway through an episode, this is bloody chaos! Konrad and Timm in a Wig do sort of sideline commentary like it’s an 800m Olympic sprint, talking about who is a frontrunner vs. who is in trouble at the Bachelorette rose ceremony. They reckon Holly and Darvid – in. Everyone else, uh oh.

Konrad tries to convince Brooke that actually, he does have a plan for their lives. He goes through a detailed weekend involving brekkie burritos and walking their dogs, but Brooke isn’t an idiot – she meant LIFE, dumb dumb! Konrad then says he’s totally going to be successful, but Brooke wants something more solid.

good luck with your blog

In the end, it’s Timm in a Wig and Millie Iglesias who go home. I’d be sad but honestly this show has gone so fast I barely remember their actual names.

Now! It’s time for hometowns! First up is Konrad, which is over Skype because COVID – that damn virus loves ruining Bachelorette for us. At least this season we didn’t have any of those awful bathtub zoom dates. I will shudder forever thinking about that.

Anywayyyy, Konrad’s family are the best. His artist parents are exactly what you’d expect – mildly unhinged in the best way. But when they are left alone with Brooke, his dad tells her very candidly and emotionally about a huge heartbreak Konrad had. Like – he breaks down crying because Konrad was so totally destroyed by it. Which is obviously so endearing in terms of father-son relationships, but not exactly painting Konrad as a ready-to-settle-down-again dude.

SHUT UP DAD YOU’RE KILLING MY GAME HERE

Brooke’s worried about hurting him, naturally, but they still have a big pash outside. Maybe Konrad’s back in the game? You know who I reckon totally isn’t in the game is Jamie-Lee, our next hometown. This is IRL with two of her mates, and yes – of course one is terrifying and grills Brooke relentlessly.

I dream of being the terrifying friend on a reality dating show

Of courseeeee Brooke wins them over – does anything else ever happen on this show? Just once I want to see someone’s friends/family have a total meltdown and scream that the Bachelorette/Bachelor isn’t good enough for their perfect child/bestie. Anyway, I still don’t reckon JL is in for the finals coz their kisses are SO TEPID.

Seriously, it’s the chemistry of a squashed snail

Next it’s time for Darvid’s video chat. His mum is very interested to know if Brooke will move to Brisbane – where Darvid has a thriving business (as a magician, just admit it) but it’s clear Brooke reeeeally doesn’t want to, given she only just moved to Melbourne.

No I’ve changed my mind, I want to be Susie

She does eventually say she “understands” Darvid has a life built up there while she’s really in a position to move, but that’s not really a “yes”, is it. Still, it placates Magician Mum and all is well.

Holly’s turn is a TRIP. First, her mum is terrifying – in that strong, take-no-shit way. She draws out of Brooke that Brooke will almost certainly go back to Perth eventually since it’s her home country and she even feels the pull of it now, when she just moved to Melbourne. This is news to Holly, who doesn’t really want to move across the country.

But the big clanger comes when Holly’s mum whisks Brooke away and tells her Holly DOESN’T WANT KIDS. At most, she wants one.

She confronts Holly about it who is like:

hahaha whaaaat chhhhhhhhhh sorry can’t hear you you’re breaking up chhhhhhhhh

But says some stuff about compromise and so on. She also says she totally doesn’t see herself living in WA. It certainly looks like the end of their love story, but Brooke breaks down crying to-camera, saying it’s one of her strongest connections and she doesn’t know what to do about it.

In the end, and to ALL our surprise, Brooke boots KONRAD. Which I mean, was probably a good decision since Brooke is ready to settle down/is settled down and Konrad is definitely going to have the entire female population of Australia in his DMs. And you know what? I love that for him. You have your no-job fun times, Konrad!

Melissa is a freelance writer and would like to see Holly’s scary mum get her own show where she is some terrifying life coach. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.