Okay. *Takes a deep breath* MAKE THIS SHOW EEEEEENNNNNDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I swear it’s been 84 years since we started watching Elly and Becky tag-team The Bachelorette for 2020. I don’t want to watch anymore. I just want to see who wins and then go to sleep for another 84 years, ok?

So with that sentiment, let’s recap so we can hurry along to the good shit. This episode wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t the best. It was tepid. As this entire season has been. But I like to think you’re here reading this because you CBF watching it and dealing with the ads. Then, we’ll all tune in for the finale and wonder how we spent at least 6 months ingesting Bachelor content this year.

Okay so the first thing we cop is Becky and Elly sitting together having a chat about meeting all the dude’s families. Boring! Moving on, the first guy we visit is Joe and honestly:

bachelorette
OHMYGODADOGOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Just marry this one Elly, he has a DOG. I don’t care about anything else from this episode except for this dog.

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I mean, good work producers I am IN.

Eventually, after we enjoy copious dog content, they head off to meet Joey’s family. Because they live in Newy, they can do an IRL meet up but not hug, which makes for some beautifully awkward waves and strained smiling.

Then we cop a shot of this guy:

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Yessss serve us that stink eye, son!

I already love him because he clearly has NO interest in pretending to be stoked about this whole situation. He tells us he thinks it’s weird Joe went on the Bachelor to find love, and if they already knew and liked each other, why are they ON THIS SHOW.

PRRRRREAAAACH!!!

Eventually, he has a chat with Elly and grills her on whether she feels strongly about Joe. Because we TOTALLY know (right??) that Elly sees Joe as her matey-mate but is stringing him along for the purposes of our investment, we aren’t surprised when she stammers through a politician-esque statement that says nothing, before breaking down in tears. This guy (!!!) just looks like this:

Honestly, give him his own show

Eventually, as with EVERY BLOODY INTERESTING FAMILY CHARACTER ON THESE SHOWS, he simmers down and is all, I think you’re great, I hope you pick Joe. Damn.

Joe and Elly say goodbye and have a very platonic looking kiss.

I swear there’s no chemistry here, right???

Over to Becky, who is meeting Pete’s family. Pete is the one who is absolutely going to win. They have to do it via Zoom because his fam aren’t in NSW, and it’s as awkward as you’d expect. At one point his friends ask becky if she’ll move states for him, and she’s sort of like… no I would like him to move for me, actually.

She explains to us that she’s moved for love before and the guy ended up being a douche. Fair call, Becky! Why should SHE have to move for HIM anyway?

STAND YOUR GROUND, BECKSTER

In the end it’s all very FINE, everything is FINE, Pete is FINE they kiss, bye. Over to Shannon, whose family (friends?? No fucking idea) live in NSW so they can head to their very white house, where everyone has dressed tonally for the occasion.

Is this a cult

While chatting to these people who may/may not be Shannon’s brothers, but also may be his friends, but also may be rent-a-crowd, Becky has a revelation about her feelings for the guy. In short, she does not like him!

Just gotta get through another hour of this small talk then I can dump him

She literally tells his mates/brothers/cult siblings who are like:

Ummmmm you coulda decided this before I bothered to put makeup on and hire a dress for this occasion

Eventually, she paces outside Shannon’s house (!!) waiting to dump the guy. I cannot believe they’re making her dump the dude in front of his HOUSEEEEE this is madness! This is the best bit of TV this show has produced so far.

The entire thing goes down like a Neighbours finale episode. In fact, it would not shock me if Shannon is picked up as the plucky newcomer next season who is all bravado, but then reveals his sweet side when he falls in love with his opposites-attract co-worker.

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Gotta give it my all if I’m gonna make the TV soaps

Weirdly, Shannon – who I had long felt was one of those bro dudes who is nice ENOUGH but definitely harbours a strong testosterone-fuelled ego that would not cope with a dumping from a woman – is probably the most level-headed dude we’ve seen so far. He takes it really, really well. He’s respectful. Understanding of Becky’s situation. Doesn’t turn around and try to convince us that he never liked her anyway.

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Who knew this guy would be the wokest dude of the bunch?

He’s so lovely about it, in fact, that I kind of wish she’d kept him around. Bye, Shannon – one of the only names I’ve bothered to remember, now gone.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and would also like a role on Neighbours. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter