I feel like I’m slooooowly starting to remember people’s names on Bachelorette now, guys. Like I’m no longer calling them stuff like “baldy” and “rude fade” in my head. I know at least…. four names now. Harry. Pete (had to check my notes). Umm…. J…ason? Josh? Jeremy? Who is that one that Elly knew before the show, fuck.

Okay fine, 2.5 names. Whatever! Half these pricks will be gone in a week, so I’m sticking to my rule of forgetting names until the final 5. Let’s recap, shall we?

So first up, we’ve got a single date card. It’s for Pete (a name I know!) who is going out with Becky. They meet in that park with the ibis shit all over it that’s near The Rocks, sort of. Which is why it’s super funny when Becky’s like “I’m taking you on a drive!!” and they hop in the spon con car:

You know what else is sexy, Pete? POWER STEERING.

…. and literally drive over the bridge to do BridgeClimb. I cannot stress this enough, for anyone who doesn’t live in Sydney – The Rocks area is like, a 2 minute drive from the Bridge. Maximum.

So glad to be walking around and getting these legs moving after such a long drive

Meanwhile back at the Bachie mansion, this guy sucks:

We’ve got our first fuckboy, people!!!

Don’t even 100% know why he sucks yet, we just know he does coz the other dudes hate him. Flip back to the bridge, and someone’s forced Becky and Pete to dance awkwardly in their BridgeClimb onesies while this lady sings at them!

I should have demanded at least $1k more for this

Truly I have not seen a more uncomfortable display of forced affection in my life. It was like watching two horny pre-teens dance while the boy tries to hide his eternal stiffy and the girl tries to get broccoli out of her braces. That level of discomfort viewing.

Make it stop please I beg

Next thing we know the singing lady suddenly turns into a psychic and is telling Pete she feels like he’s the one and she’s backing him to win. Um, ok?? Anyway we’re left with this ominous foreshadowing that Pete might fuck everything up with some secret he’s gotta tell Becky. After the break, he sits down with Becky to tell the secret, obviously.

ok nothing good starts with “I’ve got to be honest with you”

Basically, Pete’s going through a divorce. He’s separated as of a year ago, but not officially divorced from his wife of twelve years yet. RED. FLAG. BECKY. But she sees it as honesty and feels he’s being genuine with her. Plus, she says she’s been hurt so she empathises with his situation. I’m not entirely sure that’s the same thing, unless those rumours she dumped her ex before the show are true?

Whatever the case, they have a couch kiss and he gets a rose. Over to Elly, who invites some guy to have a midnight swim at the Bachie Pad. He’s all blah blah you’re amazing and then they make out in the pool a bit:

Yes girl get IT.

Honestly he is not a mood for me but loving this energy from Elly. Making out with hot boys in the pool = vibe. Anyway, next up is a group date, with a twist. The two drivers are friends of Becky and Elly’s, so they’re spying on the bros. Hoooo boy, there is plenty to spy on. The bros are the most broiest bros there ever was. They spend most of the time singing Hakuna Matata or something and banging on about who got to kiss the girls the most.

Jesus take the wheel

They head to a wakeboarding park and a few of the guys give it a go. One is a professional wakeboarder and basically gives himself a hernia trying to show off his skills to the girls. After the dick swinging hour is over, Becky and Elly reveal the big secret about their drivers. The guys look nervous as fuck, and so they should be because when their mates tell Elly and Becky what they overheard, the girls are like:

Cool they’re dead

Mainly, the report back was that Pascal was a slut shaming piece of shit. He had an issue with the girls kissing heaps of guys (lol what). Before anything happens with Pascal though we have the cocktail party, featuring Harry making a final play to get Elly convinced he’s worth keeping on the show. She could NOT look less interested, honestly.

I would rather watch everyone wakeboarding badly again

Eventually Harry reads all the signs (finally) and excuses himself from the show. Again, Elly could not be less interested but now she also could not be more relieved, it seems.

Ok bye now

Meanwhile, Becky is pulled away by man bun. He tells her that he’s actually taking her aside to talk about Pascal, who sucks. He tells her that aside from the kissing comment, Pascal has also said, apparently, that he wishes they’d “picked better looking girls”. OHOHOHOHOHO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Becky storms over to Elly, who is having a convo with some poor cunt who gets shafted immediately, to tell her the news. Elly is fuming.

We have all made this face in the presence of fuckboy information

They decide to go have a chat with him. By which I mean, they decide to corner the bloke and rain down godly fire upon him, smiting him into the earth and then dancing on his ashes. It’s stunning.

Oh fuuuuuuck

Elly looks ropeable and is SUCH a mood, she’s like “please tell me how else you would be getting to know guys you might marry, please I would love to hear it you misogynistic prick.” Well she doesn’t really say THAT but it’s got that energy.

Becky is much more into the scorch-earth-with-a-single-look vibe:

I mean, I’M scared of her right now

In the end, they send Pascal home. He mutters the whole way down the drive to the car about it being bullshit. Lol this is what you get for being the worst, my guy!! After that fiasco, Becky and Elly return to the guys and tell them there won’t be a rose ceremony, on account of the unceromonious bootings.

Until next week!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and just realised one of the 2.5 men whose names she knows just went home. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter