Welcome back, friends! Back to incest town! How The Bachelorette hasn’t sensibly split these dudes into the Elly and Becky camps yet is beyond me. It’s getting WEIRD, guys. Anyone who is currently here and hasn’t got their heart set on one sister and one sister only is officially entering a weird zone I don’t want to think about. DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD, TEN.

Anyway, this ep starts off with the first single date. It’s with Elly, and Fraser cops it after wowing her on their photoshoot. Old mate sitting next to him is like HAHAHA YOU CHANCER, HAHA GOOD ONE MATE HAHA WATCH OUT I’LL SHANK YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!

HAHAHA JUST JOKES MATE HAHA WATCH YOUR SHOES BUT MIGHT PUT NAILS IN EM

He’s veeery “this is a competition and I will WIN” about it, I’m sure that will go well for him in the future when he has a total breakdown and starts throwing furniture through windows. Anyway! Fraser and Elly head to the Blue Mountains, then collapse in fits over this “scary” experience – the scary experience literally ANY Blue Mountains tourist does on their first trip up there. I’ve seen small babies on this thing.

wow fear factor 1/10.

Except it does actually get fucking terrifying, because next thing we know some producers are shoving Elly and Fraser out the side of the suspended car thing onto a hanging swing.

WHYYYYYYY JESUS

So they’re hanging over the abyss, just casually chatting like they both haven’t sharted their jumpsuits in terror. Then, in truly chaotic areas, Fraser leans over precariously to kiss Elly.

Honestly, could not think of a worse spot to kiss except maybe a public bathroom

It’s so stressful it’s anything but romantic. But then they head off to have a bev and that’s DEFINITELY romantic. These guys have HEAPS of chemistry. It’s radiating off them even in pics, look:

Ok he’s won, everyone go home

If Fraser doesn’t win I’ll be shocked! Shocked, I tell you. Anyway, after the ad break we’re treated to a group date filled with humiliation, just like we love. Basically, the boys walk into a room to Elly playing some Year 8 piano song while Becky stands awkwardly over her shoulder like some sort of boarding school matron. The whole thing is weird.

“Pick up the tempo or you shant have any gruel at tea time”

They explain how they performed heaps as kids, and now will make the guys perform for their LOVE. They have a series of props and make the men race to grab the ones they want. Then, everyone heads off to practice, with Elly and Becky doing the rounds to check in.

Nothing of note happens, except for when Becky chats to that guy with the really bad undercut. He’s all “yeah man I don’t plan the future, just having a good time with da bros here on Bachie” which is proooobably not how you’ll win someone over, mate. Becky is like:

I’d rather eat a bowl of cockroaches than spend another minute with you

Eventually it’s time for the show. The rest of the Bachelorette boys are wheeled in to watch for added humiliation. Notable performances are this guy and his demonic ventriloquist dummy:

Oh good you touched it, now the curse is for life

Which seems to terrify Becky:

Thanks I hate it

And Joey, who does a masterful interpretive dance with ribbons:

Now this is the shit we came to see

In the end, Becky chooses ventriloquist man as the winner, probably because this fucked demon baby possessed her to do so:

I will bathe in your blood by midnight

And Elly chooses Joey. Next thing we know, they’re off for special one-on-one time, and by that I mean the producers LITERALLY have them sitting on roadie crates in a storeroom. We’ve officially reached rock bottom with the Bachie dates, people. We are now phoning it in.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Before we have time to get over that absolute abomination, we choof off to Elly and Joey’s date, which is marginally better as it’s a) on stage and b) involves some fairy lights.

Looks more like a funeral but I’ll let it slide since there’s an actual couch

Anyway, both girls kiss their dudes and have a lovely time. Then, it’s time for the cocktail party. There is a LOT of bro energy, and when Undercut sits down with Becky, it’s clear he is just here for a good time not a long time.

He basically tells her he plays life by ear, which is kind of fine I guess – like sure, planning isn’t very sexy. But also you’re on a reality show about getting married and having babies. Get a clue, dude.

“don’t you like me messaging you at 6pm asking if you wanna hang tonight?”

Becky is less than impressed with the convo, and even LESS impressed when Undercut bro-hugs his bro who is next in line to chat up Becky. Honestly at this point, I was shocked she didn’t grab him by the ear and hurl him into the bushes.

GO GET HER, YOU CHANCER HAHA!          

So, thought Becky would boot undercut? You thought wrong! Surprisingly (not really, since I can remember about two names at this point) all the dudes who go home are forgettable no ones. And FOUR people leave! Madness.

Tomorrow night it’s some sort of covert ASIO operation where drivers are gathering intel on the dudes. Good stuff.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and has dated about 20 versions of Undercut. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter