There’s nothing as glorious as something that’s so shittily done it somehow doubles back on itself and becomes great. And with that in mind, I’d like to introduce you to my new favourite Instagram, dedicated to creating absolutely dogshit versions of things into terrible cakes for people. It’s called ShittyBakes and I love it with all of my heart.
Shitty Bakes came to me the other evening while I was scrolling through my feed and found that my footy club’s skipper Dyson Heppell got a giant, borked cake made in the likeness of a jar of Mayver’s peanut butter.
Fucken just look at the optics on this thing. Heinous, and absolutely gorgeous.
I needed to know more; who the fuck made this cake? How am I only knowing about it now? Why the fuck didn’t I know about this before my birthday two weeks ago?
There’s seemingly no order too tall for the bloke at the helm of ShittyBakes. The selection of completed creations ranges from everything from a Tassie Devil that looks like it’s had a stroke to a Nike jogger that looks more like a lump of fondant with laces.
Seriously, look at that face.
And what in the fuck is this? I love it.
The ShittyBakes insta bio holds an important disclaimer that these cakes are “all for the looks, NOT for the taste” which is…worrying. To say the least. But maybe it’s like those old school wedding cakes covered in fondant so thick that they’ll last for years in the back of the freezer or your Nan’s pantry? All for the photo op and definitely not for munching on.
The Aussie cake maker already has some high-end clientele down in Melbourne, with a couple of AFL players getting their own wonderfully-cooked cakes for their birthdays, including this one for another Essendon player, Dylan Shiel.
(Yes, the fact that I’m a lifetime Dons supporter is 100% the reason why I found this incredible culinary account, thanks.)
Anyway, please enjoy all of my absolutely favourite ShittyBakes cakes to date. I can assure you that I’m wildly pissed off that I didn’t know about these cakes until after my birthday, but I’m already planning something totally fucked-up to order for my 30th next year.
