Birthday cakes are soft, sweet, and commemorative of a special occasion. That should make them one of the least threatening foods around, right? WRONG!
Sometimes things go horribly, horribly awry, and the end result is a cake that 100% looks like it’s just cursed three generations of your descendants to a life of crippling awkwardness and overly-sensitive skin.
Anyway, enough about my family history.
In January this year, some cursed cake connoisseur decided to start rounding up the worst of ’em on Twitter. It’s like reading through the catalogue for a bakery run by all the worst people you know.
Buckle up, scroll down, and – if you dare – dig in.
If you could visualise Cardi B yelling “CORONAVIRUS”, it would literally by this cake.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 26, 2020
And for our more sophisticated friends, we have the ~COVID-19~ cake. Magnifique.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 23, 2020
Some of them start with cartoons as inspiration and then mix in a tablespoon of cursed energy.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) January 3, 2020
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) February 25, 2020
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 11, 2020
While others are cursed because they’re simply too accurate.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 19, 2020
The military cakes are particularly threatening and pretty fucken problematic too. Fuck off back to Alabama, Chris.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 22, 2020
Meanwhile, even the apologetic cakes have extremely threatening auras.
Oh, a Karen cake
— ‘Spiritual’ Mantis (@Yabadab35631124) May 25, 2020
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) January 25, 2020
(I needed the below cake a few years back).
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 3, 2020
Others are welcoming… but still kind of threatening somehow.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 24, 2020
Some are just plain rude. An asterisk wouldn’t go astray here, guys.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 12, 2020
This one could’ve been wholesome in another universe.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 22, 2020
While this one is threatening in every universe.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) May 28, 2020
But the one which, uhhh, takes the cake, is Spongebob in his final form.
— cakes with threatening auras (@threateningcake) February 25, 2020
If you listen carefully, you can hear the world’s most depressing “hip hip, hooray” tolling in the distance.
