The depths America, as a nation, is willing to sink to are immeasurable. Finite, yet boundaryless. Like an ever-expanding ball of Marshmallow Fluff. Whenever a new limit is reached, it is soon exceeded by some new unthought-of horror. To that end, we regret to inform you that the supposed land of the free has now decided to invent “Mayocue” and “Mayomust.”
Heinz US, in an apparent attempt to get everyone to just hurry up and fucking die, has announced the imminent release of the pair of portmanteau condiments, following on from the allegedly “successful” launch of the previous product “Mayochup.”
Again, real words being spoken by real human mouths right now.
Thanks to the fans of Mayochup, our saucy family is growing! Which flavor mashup are you most excited to dip into?
— Heinz US (@HeinzTweets) March 5, 2019
At least the combination of ketchup and mayonnaise kind of makes sense. But pushing those limits and further is lunacy.
Mayonnaise and barbecue sauce? What kind of burnt-tongue moron wants their eggy spread to taste like a greasy grill?
And mustard – MUSTARD – with mayo. For when regular, bog-standard mustard is simply too spice and must be watered down.
More to that, the branding. Mayocue I can kind of follow the logic of, but Mayomust defies all belief; two front halves of words ruthlessly taped together. How on earth they managed to land on that while passing over the far more obvious Mustardaise or Mayota… actually I see what they’ve done there now.
Regardless, if this is the road we’re travelling down, where does it all end? If we’re openly willing to put barbecue sauce or mustard with mayo like wanton assholes then what’s the end game here? What aren’t we willing to callously fuse together with mayonnaise?
Soyo Sauce? Moyster Sauce? Mayolognese??
Hell, why not go all out. Why not fuck the whole thing up completely and get Guy Fieri to put out a signature line of Mayonkey Sauce? We’ve come this far, why simply step off the edge when you can swan dive?
In conclusion, mayonnaise sucks and I hate it. Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.