We’re into our second week of Bachelorette Australia and it’s already such a god damn treat. They’ve cast it super well, in my opinion — from Angie Kent, who is an utter delight, to the actual guys who have very entertaining personalities.
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You’ve got Timm, a spicy bitch who lives for drama (same), Jamie your token Stage 5 clinger and there’s even a SEXY INTRUDER tonight. Like I said, a treat. As always, myself (Josie) and my colleague and recapping cohort Mel have dissected the entire episode from start to finish, so please settle in and join us.
MEL: So we get straight into it with a very extravagant date – Angie’s taking Jackson on a fucken helicopter ride just to have a picnic. I live for this level of OTT from these shows, even if it’s heavily sponsored by TOUCHDOWN HELICOPTERS again.
Her main reservation with Jackson is that at 25, he’s the youngest on the show. I find that age such a LOL since Matt Agnew (who was older than Angie) had basically a Year 12 class as his Bachelorettes.
MEL: Agree! I get her hesitation though, 25 is like “are you wise beyond your years or still playing Goon Of Fortune at house parties”. Also Angie doesn’t seem like a party girl so she’s prob double wary of anyone still throwing ragers. But Jackson’s striking me as the mature kind of 25, and they have such a spark — loved when she gave him his rose and then grabbed him for a kiss. Big mood.
MEL: Jamie is WAY too invested. He needs to sit down with some calming meditation music flowing through his AirPods (he absolutely has AirPods) and breathe this one out. It’s been about two seconds and he’s acting like Angie is his ex-wife of 20 years who tragically divorced him for his apprentice. No, mate. You barely know the woman, calm down.
JOSIE: He’s also acting like this is his one and only chance at finding love? Like mate, you’re a man. You can have your fifth kid at age 61 like Alec Baldwin just did. Just take a breath and try to go with life’s natural journey. I feel stressed just watching him but also I cannot look away?
MEL: I will never look away. So then nothing of interest happens and BAM! We’re on a group date, and the intro is an adorable little foxy terrier being very smart and jumping through hoops and so on. I am HERE. FOR. THIS. Turns out it’s Bachelorette Dog Show, and all the boys are set up in teams to lead a rescue dog around an obstacle course. But! There’s a twist! All of a sudden a new dude emerges with about fifty dogs – Ryan, a rescue dog guy who ~coincidentally~ knows Angie from the outside.
JOSIE: I adore how pissy all these grown Bachelorette men get over one (1) intruder. It was even more pissy than the women got over, like, 7 intruders on Bachelor last season. The ego levels are out of control! It’s so fun to watch though. They’re all so off it that Angie and Ryan have DMed in the past. I mean, I would be too, Ryan’s one of those hot bald guys who looks hotter bald (see: Bruce Willis). And he is a Dog Guy so you know that every woman in his radius wants to marry him. AND we’ve seen past connections work to people’s advantages before (see: Matty J / Laura, Sophie / Stu).
MEL: I am very much calling it – Ryan for top two. But yes, all the male egos get bruised into eternity which I get but I also feel like, it’s so early to be this pissed off about this stuff. Anyway Ryan gets paired with Angie, and of course they do well with their dog because they’re both Cesar Milan, Dog Whisperer types. But in surprising and completely rigged areas, it’s Ciarran and Scot-With-One-T who win with Rusty, the best dog in the world besides my own dog Millie.
JOSIE: That dog was so fucking cute, was I crying a bit just over his cuteness? Maybe. Also I was deeply pleased that Rusty was such an overachieving dog, because I have Ciarran in the office sweep and when his team won, Angie picked him rather than Scot-With-One-T to have the solo time.
MEL: I feel like Angie’s nice and communicative with these guys, I liked that she told Scot she loved both of them but she hadn’t spoken more than a couple of words with Ciarran before, so she wanted to get to know him. Their date is the same Bachelorette setup of Aldi cheese/cheap champers, and Angie says she’s worried Ciarran’s just here to have fun and not for her. But he surprises her by being quite interesting and mature. I extremely loved his openness – he just point blank tells her he danced in a g-banger for a gay bar and got a nose job because he didn’t like his side profile.
JOSIE: Okay so I’m completely biased because if he wins I get 90 bucks but I also really loved Ciarran on this date. He was super open about that stuff and when it was just the two of them, he was not being a show pony at all. Also it was very intuitive of him not to go in for the pash because of her reservations – I really don’t think she would have been against it, but it seemed important to him to prove that he’s there for more than a good time. And I think Angie really appreciated that too.
MEL: I think so too, I could tell she was genuinely impressed he kept things G-rated, and not like “WTF dude why didn’t you make a move”. Meanwhile, the few that didn’t go on the dog date are sitting around in purgatory wondering where everyone has gone. Did they fall into a sinkhole? I wish. Instead they were just on their long-ass date, and all come barrelling in – including Ryan, much to Jamie’s deep, heartbreaking dismay.
JOSIE: It was so funny because all the guys from the date had come to terms with Ryan’s presence and the others, like Carlin and Jackson, only seemed mildly ruffled by it. Meanwhile Jamie looked like he’d just been told the world had ended outside the Bachelorette mansion and it was now officially the End Times. MATE. Another overreaction.
JOSIE: Timm-With-Two-Ms was really serious about this pact and everyone else totally bought in. What about when Jamie was like “But what if I need, like, 5 minutes with Angie…” and that other guy is like “NO!”
MEL: Omg everyone was just shitting on Jamie every time he tried to make a case for why he needed to speak with Angie, it was almost TOO mean. Except he is so infuriating even to me as a Bachelorette viewer that I can’t help but eyeroll along with the guys, too. In the end he convinces himself it’s OK to dog the boys because he’s only there for Angie, and emphasises this to-camera by using finger commas while saying I’m not here for the “bro code”. Just amazingly dorky.
JOSIE: The so-called “bro code”. Amazing stuff. So Jamie does dog the boys and plead with Angie to go chat with him, which upsets Timm on a deep personal level, and by deep personal level I mean it invokes a reaction like: “Oi nah hey what a dog hey can’t believe he’d do that hey”.
MEL: Timm is PROPER dirty about it, but not as dirty as Haydn who threatens (!!!) Jamie by saying “mate, if you thought you were having a bad time in the mansion now, you’ve just put all the boys offside”. I envisage tomorrow’s Bachelorette episode being a lot of Jamie walking into common areas and being met with smunty tea-sipping men who eyeball each other over their Earl Grey knowingly.
JOSIE: Lucky for Jamie, all this shit is going down unbeknownst to Angie, who is more miffed that Mitch didn’t come on the group date because the poor delicate soul twisted his ankle. She makes the point that he still could have come and sat out the actual running with dogs bit for the chance to see her since they all have such limited time together, which is a fair point I think.
MEL: Hard agree, Mitch’s excuse was tepid at best. He then reveals his real reservations – he feels a group date isn’t enough quality time, and is concerned she doesn’t consider him a hot contender. He asks for her to boot him at this rose ceremony if she isn’t gonna take him through to the end. Mate, are you high? Why would this woman know after TWO WEEKS and a handful of time for dates that you’re a top 3 for her? I cannot with how much ego rules Bachelorette in comparison to Bachelor. The guys just can’t handle “losing”. Angie is not about this at all.
JOSIE: Another Bachelorette episode, another epic Angie takedown. She’s so upfront which I really, really like about her. She says she hates that Mitch has turned the Bachelorette into a competition because it’s not that for her at all. YES GIRL YOU TELL HIM.
MEL: At the rose ceremony, she whittles it down to Haydn, Mitch and Kayde aka Fake Zac Efron. I really thought she was gonna boot Haydn, who has had about 1.5 seconds of screen time, and Mitch – but it turns out it’s Kayde and Mitch getting the old heave-ho.
JOSIE: Poor Fake Zac Efron, destined to run alone, Baywatch-style, along the beach for eternity.
Love Mel and Josie in recap form? Then why not listen to them in podcast form! Check out their mystery / true crime podcast All Aussie Mystery Hour right HERE.
