Deciding Which ‘Bachelorette’ Dude Will Win Based On Just Two Episodes Of The Show

The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette is merely two episodes into the 2019 season, but already I feel I’ve got a good gauge on who will win Angie Kent‘s heart at the end, versus who will crash and burn in a humiliating fire.

[jwplayer cYRrlbK0]

We’re down to 16 contestants now, after two were booted, one (Jess, the worst) was asked to leave and one (Wazza, RIP) walked out because he simply couldn’t handle being a chicken.

There’s intruders on their way, but for now let’s just wildly speculate about the dudes left in the mansion!

MITCH

Who the fuck is this? He’s gone.

HAYDN

This guy looks like a real estate agent who will tell you the house’s foundations are SUPER great and then you move in and the house sinks into an abyss. Bye.

SCOT

This guy has only made it this far on account of the fact I remember him being the pig from the photo shoot.

JESSE

Jesse looks like maybe bad news, like the guy you meet at ~the clerb~ and you have a cheeky dance floor pash, but then he reveals he’s like, a Trump supporter or that he likes going pig hunting on the weekends.

ADAM

He’s only making it this far because he has long hair and therefore somewhat more of a stage presence.

CIARRAN

Bachelorette

Booting midway through the season for suuuuuure, Ciarran is peak Darwin, by which I mean – expat, probably works at that Crocosaurus Cove thing, still lives in a backpackers hostel even though he’s been on a visa for two years.

ALEX

The final long-haired adonis who isn’t Timm goes around here.

NIRANGA

This is around the time The Bachelorette abandons their token person of colour, usually. Like, how many seasons have we sat through where the top ten all look like convicts from 1788? Too many.

CARLIN

HEAR ME OUT HERE GUYS. I know Carlin’s the favourite right now. But while he’s the gentleman to end all gentlemen, does he have the chat to entertain Angie? I think not. I reckon he’ll get around top 7 and after a particularly boring date, be dumped like a spicy potato.

TOM

This is the bit where I start deciding Bachelorette people are frontrunners based simply on a “vibe”. Doesn’t Tom give you the vibe of “good dude, loves his dog, close to his mum and won’t gaslight you while fucking your best friend behind your back”? He’s not gonna win but I reckon he’ll go far.

JAMIE

Jamie is just too emotional, bless his heart, so the producers will keep him around much to Angie’s dislike until riiiight before shit gets super serious, so his feelings fully develop to the point where he goes to sleep imagining his wedding to Angie, and then BAM! You can pinpoint the second his heart rips in two.

GLENN

Bachelorette

Who is this? He looks like a cricketer and for some reason, I can imagine Angie with a cricketer. I have no other reason for him getting this high up in the list. Just those cricketer vibes.

JACKSON

Bachelorette

That one penguin photo shoot scores Jackson Top 3, which is ridiculous but what did you expect from me, guys. I mean, what did you think was going to happen here – I’d be psychic? I’d actually know some things? Haha!

MATT

Bachelorette

Already Matt has been named by Angie’s bro as the dude he likes the most for her, and Angie seems to vibe him too. Top 2, I’m calling it.

TIMM

Bachelorette

GUYS HE BROUGHT THE SPIRITUAL SUNFLOWERS. He’s hilarious. He’s hot. I can imagine Angie and Timm setting up in some beachside shack down from the Goldie and having 3 kids called like, Tommo, Sunflower and…. Bruce. He’s The Dude. No doubt about it.

More Stuff From PEDESTRIAN.TV