Deciding Which ‘Bachelorette’ Dude Will Win Based On Just Two Episodes Of The Show

The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette is merely two episodes into the 2019 season, but already I feel I’ve got a good gauge on who will win Angie Kent‘s heart at the end, versus who will crash and burn in a humiliating fire.

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We’re down to 16 contestants now, after two were booted, one (Jess, the worst) was asked to leave and one (Wazza, RIP) walked out because he simply couldn’t handle being a chicken.

There’s intruders on their way, but for now let’s just wildly speculate about the dudes left in the mansion!


Who the fuck is this? He’s gone.


This guy looks like a real estate agent who will tell you the house’s foundations are SUPER great and then you move in and the house sinks into an abyss. Bye.


This guy has only made it this far on account of the fact I remember him being the pig from the photo shoot.


Jesse looks like maybe bad news, like the guy you meet at ~the clerb~ and you have a cheeky dance floor pash, but then he reveals he’s like, a Trump supporter or that he likes going pig hunting on the weekends.


He’s only making it this far because he has long hair and therefore somewhat more of a stage presence.



Booting midway through the season for suuuuuure, Ciarran is peak Darwin, by which I mean – expat, probably works at that Crocosaurus Cove thing, still lives in a backpackers hostel even though he’s been on a visa for two years.


The final long-haired adonis who isn’t Timm goes around here.


This is around the time The Bachelorette abandons their token person of colour, usually. Like, how many seasons have we sat through where the top ten all look like convicts from 1788? Too many.


HEAR ME OUT HERE GUYS. I know Carlin’s the favourite right now. But while he’s the gentleman to end all gentlemen, does he have the chat to entertain Angie? I think not. I reckon he’ll get around top 7 and after a particularly boring date, be dumped like a spicy potato.


This is the bit where I start deciding Bachelorette people are frontrunners based simply on a “vibe”. Doesn’t Tom give you the vibe of “good dude, loves his dog, close to his mum and won’t gaslight you while fucking your best friend behind your back”? He’s not gonna win but I reckon he’ll go far.


Jamie is just too emotional, bless his heart, so the producers will keep him around much to Angie’s dislike until riiiight before shit gets super serious, so his feelings fully develop to the point where he goes to sleep imagining his wedding to Angie, and then BAM! You can pinpoint the second his heart rips in two.



Who is this? He looks like a cricketer and for some reason, I can imagine Angie with a cricketer. I have no other reason for him getting this high up in the list. Just those cricketer vibes.



That one penguin photo shoot scores Jackson Top 3, which is ridiculous but what did you expect from me, guys. I mean, what did you think was going to happen here – I’d be psychic? I’d actually know some things? Haha!



Already Matt has been named by Angie’s bro as the dude he likes the most for her, and Angie seems to vibe him too. Top 2, I’m calling it.



GUYS HE BROUGHT THE SPIRITUAL SUNFLOWERS. He’s hilarious. He’s hot. I can imagine Angie and Timm setting up in some beachside shack down from the Goldie and having 3 kids called like, Tommo, Sunflower and…. Bruce. He’s The Dude. No doubt about it.