Eight bros and one good time gal found guilty of having the fucking sickest time of their lives were arrested for being the most visibly drunk pests amongst tens of thousands of inebriated teens who converged on the Gold Coast over the weekend, as this year’s annual celebration of boozing youths with nothing but souvenir singlets to gain and everything to lose, Schoolies, kicked off its Havaianas and fell asleep inside the fluorescent mouth of a kind stranger on the main beach.
On the bright side, the nine school-leavers arrested on Saturday night for alcohol and public-nuisance offences pales in comparison with the twenty arrested on the first weekend of last year’s festivities. According to The ABC, nine Schoolies were also nabbed for drinking in a public place, a fraction of opening weekend 2012’s forty-seven; three were also arrested for minor drug offences, and a staggering fifty-one Toolies were arrested on fifty-seven charges, mainly for being public nuisances.
In related news, two Schoolies have been evicted from the septic bacchanalian cesspit The Islander after partaking in a spot of ninth-floor balcony jumping, something Police Superintendent Des Lacey has described as “not on.” Health officials are today also warning of an STD epidemic following a spike in sales of the morning after pill and a decline in the use of prophylactic contraceptive devices.
“There are actually 500 unplanned pregnancies each year [at Schoolies],” one exceptionally bright 17-year-old whose future I won’t further tar by repeating her name here is reported to have told the Telegraph.
“And I didn’t come to Schoolies to plan one.”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
