Lush Cosmetics have just released their annual Valentines Day collection, and you bet your sweet ass there’s penis emoji soap and a literal butt massage bar.

Valentines Day is a totally made up holiday that I’m convinced is designed to make me feel like a total Grinch for not going absolutely bat shit crazy over roses and chocolates. But the one thing I can absolutely get around is a good ol’ aubergine bar of soap.

The limited edition collection comes with your usual bath bombs and shower gels, but then they’ve upped the ante with a few stand-out products.

First and foremost, we’ve got the “aubergine” soap bar. Maybe it’s for your vegan cousin, maybe it’s a purple penis. Who knows?

lush valentines day aubergine

There’s an oddly sensual video on the Lush website of this bad boy getting all lathered up, if you’re into that.

And no aubergine in your shower could be complete without a peach to go with it. Bound to make your butt peachy clean, this soap bar is worth the $13.95 for that joke alone.

lush valentines day peach

Both the aubergine and the peach also come in bath bomb varieties, in case you want to spice up your evening bath with a floating penis or booty.

The other highlight of this collection is the “Naked Attraction” massage bar, which is a literal butt. No, not a peach. A straight up butt crack.

lush valentines day massage bar
Shake, shake, shake… shake, shake, shake… shake your booty.

Massage bars are a strange concept to me, but if you can convince your significant other to give you a solid rub down, why not really test how much they love you by handing them a handheld butt?

Romance.

I am a total sucker for a bath or shower product, so you’d bet your ass I’m about to stock up on aubergine bath bombs for every night of the week.

lush valentines day eggplant bathbomb

Everybody loves the eggplant (aubergine) and peach emojis. Whether you’re showering solo or having a romantic bath with your significant other, sexy fruit-themed bath products are just fun.

It’s 2020 and horny fruit energy is the only sort of bath vibes you need.

Image: Instagram / Lush Liverpool Spa