Furious at their inability to sell tattoos as ads on the arms of players, the AFL has instead pushed ahead with another iteration of the AFLX; a bizarre fantasy sandbox version of the game where dev mode has been turned on and absolutely all modifiers are being cranked to absurd levels.
The one-day exhibition event that is costing the league the amount of money required to either pay AFLW players fairly or to fold the failing Gold Coast Suns and give the license to Tasmania revealed its latest rule variations in a thoroughly confusing video last night.
10-point supergoal ????
2x 10-minute halves ⏰
Launch zone ????
Gatorade game changer ????
— AFL (@AFL) February 4, 2019
Ah yes. Super Goals, Launch Zones, and the Gatorade Game Changer™. A player that, for the last five minutes of each game, will be able to score double points. This will no doubt be denoted by putting the player in a large Gatorade bottle mascot costume or by replacing the ball with a Gatorade bottle or by the player having to shout “GATORADE!!!” before kicking or whatever.
I, however, don’t think that goes quite far enough. Why settle for merely the kind-of ridiculous when complete absurdity is within arm’s reach?
Therefore I absolutely implore the AFL administration to consider the following additional new rules for this year’s AFLX tournament.
TRIPLE THREAT MATCHES
Let’s address the obvious omission: Why stick with the boring, tired, old two-team format when injecting a third team into the mix could bring in so many more advertising dollars?
Picture it now: Three teams vying for the ball at all times on a traditional two-goal field. Any team can use any goal at any given time. Better still, begin the game with two teams and have the third team enter the field at precisely Four-N-Twenty minutes. Call it Pie Time. It’ll go over great.
REPLACE STADIUM GRASS WITH TRAMPOLINES
Trampoline parks are cool, right? The kids love that shit, don’t they? Liven up the clearly dull and boring green grass of yore by turning the Etihad Stadium surface into one giant trampoline surface. Trust me, it’s a great idea. You can go ahead and ignore all the calls from the clubs sooking about how “all our players did both their ACLs.” The revenue this will generate will more than cover any lawsuits.
DO SOME OF THAT FORK KNIFE SHIT
To capitalise on that Forknife game our grandchildren can’t stop maxing out their parent’s credit cards on, each player runs onto the field clutching cutlery and the coin toss is replaced with a flossing contest (contact Oral-B re: possible ad partnership). We are the AFL and that is what we believe the game is.
HALF TIME TRIBAL COUNCIL
Crank the drama up to 11 by forcing players to vote one of their own off the team between halves. The team with the lead at the break gains immunity. Those trailing must identify the weak link and cut them off at the legs. Watch alliances build and players search for hidden immunity idols in the first half before the siren goes and the lights dim.
Not a single one of you can tell me watching Jeff Probst snuff out Patrick Dangerfield‘s torch wouldn’t 10,000% whip ass.
EVERYONE GETS A PAINTBALL GUN
This one’s fairly self-explanatory: Every player is sent out onto the field armed with a paintball gun. During the game they are allowed to shoot opponents with the paintball gun. Also the ball and goals are done away with altogether in favour of dilapidated buildings and other associated hiding places. It’s just paintball now. That’s the rule. Laser tag guns are, under this proposal, completely unacceptable.
MARQUEE SIGNING: A YETI
Each team is permitted to sign one yeti or associated abominable snowman to their playing roster, the salary for which will not count against any team’s Total Player Payments cap. This is due to the league’s desire to increase overall excitement in the AFLX, and because the required Yeti salary of “a pile of Bharal meat” is hard to quantify in human dollars.
Teams will be required to cover costs for any and all recruiting trips to the Himalayas. Due to cardiovascular limitations, the giant snow apes are only permitted to play as goal-line defenders.
Those are just some of the rules I have in mind to make the AFLX the true pageant of the insane it clearly wants to be.
Now to sit back and await the AFL’s positive response.
Nobody call me. I need to keep the line free.Image: Getty Images / Michael Dodge