Every person I’ve ever slept with can be categorised into three groups of dirty talk.
If you’ve been someone who’s experienced a sexual encounter with me, you probably hated reading that first line, assuming that this must mean our sex was the same as what came before and after it – but that’s not what I’m saying at all.
Every experience varies greatly, but when it comes to getting vocal between the sheets, I’ve always found people land in one of three very distinct yet broad categories – whether it’s within a one-night stand to a three-year relationship. I’m also hetero, so without pointing any fingers, I’m also talking about men.
I can never pick what type of bedroom-talker they’re going to be while we’re engaging in date small-talk or even having a mack in public, but once they’ve mumbled, moaned or whispered that opening line of dirty talk, it becomes fairly obvious to me which group they’ll be housed into.
It’s like I subconsciously transform into The Sorting Hat from Harry Potter or something.
I will not shit on the walls ray
So without further ado, let’s meet these conversationalists.
1. The Gasser Upperer
This is absolute God-tier, IMO. The people are skipping the queue and paying $0 entry fee at the pearly white gates. They’re throwing out compliments left, right and centre – and it only makes that I want to start doing tricks and shit for them. Gas me up any day of the week. It goes a little something like this:
Them: “Fuck your body looks insane when you’re doing that.”
Me: “Oh my god, I will suck you off dry as soon as you start saying that shit to me. Even if I find you dead-ass not my type on paper.”
I don’t think people realise how much you can turn someone on by telling them how soft their skin is or that their head game is the best you’ve ever had.
In the moment, I personally couldn’t care less if whatever they’re saying is actually true or not (probs not), but trust me when I say, there are people (me) throwing it back with this type of encouragement.
2. The Territorial One
You know this person.
“Whose pussy is this?” is their go-to and they are what I like to call the Ego Talker™. We know them well and these humans love, love, love to know that it (ze pussy) is theirs. I’ll go out on a limb and say you’ve probably heard the classic, “You’re my little slut” (which presents the need for a deeper conversation, but that’s a story for another day), however, let’s all take a moment of silence for those who cop the “future” talk.
I run the podcast Good Bitch with my co-host, Jodie Clarke, and one of our listeners revealed a sexual partner got off from some kind of ~commitment~ dirty chat.
“He got off really fast if our dirty talk was more about our future together. Like, he’d always be like, ‘Tell me you’re my wife’ and then he’d would come immediately,” they shared.
You can listen to that full Dirty Talk episode here, but this future talk mid-coitus is way more common than anyone wants to admit.
I’ve got to hand it to those who’ve asked to be my future baby daddy during cowgirl. Ambition is hot.
3. The Silent Witness
I’ve come across this human twice in my life and don’t wish this experience upon anyone.
Picture this: It’s pitch black, you’re having sex and they put it in. You’re like, “That feels so good!” to which you get no response. Met with absolute silence.
HELLO? ARE YOU STILL IN THE ROOM?
I’m so confused by this character – what are you thinking about? Where are you mentally right now? I need answers, and would’ve never written back to your DM had I known I’d be having sex with a mime.
Vocal preferences in the bedroom are wildly diverse and, don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to judge – just here to share. The more we talk about different types of dirty talk in the bedroom, the less shocked we’ll be when it comes our way. Lord knows in the early days it was complete silence alongside a few encouraging and sometimes-faked moans. But we’re older now – wiser.
No matter your personal style of bedroom communication, read the room and gas your partner up, either verbally or physically. Someone once told me that “No matter how bad you think you are at dancing on a dancefloor, you’ll always look worse not dancing.”
Translation? If someone says something to you in the bedroom – please reply. It’d be rude not to.
Jules Rangiheuea is the co-host of podcast Good Bitch. You can listen to the full episode about Dirty Talk here, and follow her and co-host Jodie Clarke on the ‘gram here.