Ahh, Valentine’s Day. The most romantic/depressing time of the year, depending on your current relationship status.

To all those who are already loved up, congrats etc but move your ass the fuck on. This article is aimed directly at singletons who are desperate (but not too desperate, have some self-respect) to lock in a date for tonight.

Am I dating expert? My god, no. Do I have some good ideas? Debatable. Should you listen to me? No. Will you? Of course.

Now, given there’s not much time, here are some lightning-fast ways to ensure you’ll be awkwardly making small talk with a potential love interest on V-Day.

Hit Up Past Lovers

Why rub one out to an ex when you can just reconnect with them?

I’m going out on a limb here by saying there are probably people out there who remain friendly with their exes and don’t, you know, douse the bridges in gasoline and set them on fire.

For those of you who aren’t self-destructive, why not extend an olive branch to an old flame? Ideally, it’s an ex that doesn’t despise you and finds you to be an okay person, but anyone will do, really.

If I was you, I’d start with a simple “how have ya been?” and go from there. Shoot your shot.

Chat To Multiple People On The Go

Dating truly is a numbers game.

I can’t recall exactly who did this, but I know a story of a dude who was messaging upwards of 15 people at the same time. Those are some odds I can get around.

So, just start messaging your little heart out. You’re bound to stumble across someone who finds you attractive.

Construct a brief, punchy message that you can send out in bulk if you want any chance of a date.

Template below:

“Why hello there [insert name], care to join me for a light brunch on Friday? It’s the only day I’m free because I’m super busy and important. Signed with much love and concern, [your name].”

Brilliant. Genius. Inspired.

Plus, by casually mentioning you’re free on a Friday, you’ve locked in a V-Day date without explicitly saying so.

Join A Club

I’ve come to realise that people are generally attracted to those who have aspirations/life goals of some variety.

And let me tell you, it’s never too late to start. I’ve even gone to the effort to compile a list of clubs that might tickle your fancy:

  • Book club
  • Fight club
  • Penguin appreciation club
  • Penguin hating club
  • I’m still pissed off about the ending of Dexter club
  • Club sandwich club
  • Golf club
  • Golf club club
  • Knitting club
  • Bitching about everyone you know club
  • Reliving traumatic experiences club
  • Nightclub club

There truly is a club for every occasion. Now go forth and find your penguin-hating soulmate (I hear that particular club is actually held on Valentine’s Day so this could not have worked out any better).

Pluck Up The Courage To Talk To Strangers

Every 90’s romcom to exist has given me false hope that one day, a stranger will come up to me, tell me I’m pretty and we’ll get married two days later. So far I’ve had a total of zero marriage proposals.

But, why wait for someone to come up to you, when you can be the one to go up to them?

Next time you’re making that undeniable eye contact with someone in the street, actually go up and introduce yourself. Worst-case scenario, they politely decline to speak to you.

No, I’m lying. The worst-case scenario is for them to call their bikie mates to beat you to a pulp.

The chances of that happening are quite slim, though.

Work On Being A Better Person

If you’re unlucky in love, perhaps you can take the opportunity to look inward.

Do you have a tonne of bad habits that could be fixed? Are you self-destructive? Do you have poor people skills? Sort that shit out (you have until the end of the day to change your entire personality) and then see how you go.

The one month I quit smoking, I noticed people were much more inclined to sit next to me on the train, presumably because I didn’t smell like an ashtray.

The only difference here is that you only have to not smell like shit for one singular day.

Image: Love Actually