Remember Tim Robards from Australia‘s first-ever The Bachelor? I have a bone to pick with him.
If you’re a die-hard bachie fan like myself, you’ll remember that he was given the opportunity to take his final three contestants – Anna, Rochelle and Ali – on overnight dates way back in 2013.
Just as they do on every season in the U.S, he opened an envelope with a key to the contestant’s chastity belts fantasy suite where they would have the opportunity to bump uglies spend alone time off-camera. He decided to take the honourable human route rather than the I’m-only-human root and decline on the offer with all three of the hopefuls (poor Ali, homegirl was roaring for it).
From that point on, never again did we ever see the v. sexy, v. necessary fantasy suite card on an Aussie Bachelor / Bachelorette.
“I think I did the guys in because I was the first one to say ‘no overnight dates’ and they followed suit so I think I’ve screwed it up for everyone,” he told Daily Tele once upon a cockblocking time.
Tbh I’m fucking off it – something brought to my attention yet again when Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins and Sophie were macking on in the pool during an episode last week. That’s dry (but wet) humping right there.
We saw the same sexy pool and spa scenes with the likes of Blake Garvey + forehead penetrator Jess, as well as Matty J and Georgia Love. These couped up civilians clearly wanna bang. But it’s only natural, right? If you’re going to commit to someone at the end of this – potentially for life – it’s common decency to try before you buy… or ask for a refund. Unfortunately, both Badge and Sophie was denied this privilege.
Before you protest that sex doesn’t define a relationship, hear me out. What if Badger sends Brooke home tonight, only to later find out she’s what his sex life had been missing all these years? What if he likes to say “You dirty bitch, you dirty whore” as he climaxes, and rumoured winner Britt don’t like that? We’ve all seen Sex And The City, and, while we all know that many of that show’s storylines are crocks, we also know that they’re very real possibilities.
Aside from the sex though, these overnight dates are about spending alone time together off camera. Sure, they’d probably smang, but they’d also have the opportunity to find out a bunch of other potentially deal-breaking stuff in the process. Britt’s pretty prim and proper, I’d bet money that she builds up all her farts for the day and lets them rip overnight. It’s not exactly the kind of thing you talk about while riding camels on the beach, you know?
This isn’t all about discovering things about the contestants, either. I’m sure they wanna know how Badger’s curly mop head looks in the morning, whether or not he’s prone to a butt sweat pimple (no judgement here), whether or not he takes up the entire bed, or if he too has farty parties in his sleep.
It’s clearly worked a treat in the U.S. The show has aired more than triple that of Australian iterations, with countless marriages and babies to prove that meeting one’s D is integral to life-long commitment.
We could be wrong. Three-ish dates over a coupl’a weeks could be just what these bachies need to make such a huge decision. But, again, a huge thanks to Tim Robards and Channel 10 producers for keeping their suitors and contestants blue, one ball + vaginal lip at a time.