There’s something cringeworthy as fuck about articulating the sexual filth we engage in.
We’re not talking about your standard foreplay with explanatory words, like fingering, wristies, gobbies etc which generally get grouped off into “everything but” anyway. No – we’re talking about the real nasty shit.
The kind of shit that makes you feel like a fahbulous cum-spraying master of the universe.
The kind of shit that makes you feel like your genitalia is a magical chamber/wand that can conquer all.
The kind of shit that actually involves shit.
The kind of shit that can’t be defined in layman terms ’cause, well, it would make your mother baptise you all over again.
Behold, we’ve rounded up a bunch off sex terms that’ll either get you particularly turned on/ make you write off sexual activeness altogether (Please note: Some of these below are highly fucked up and not created or encouraged by P.TV.):
DIRTY SANCHEZ
When two people have anal sex and one removes their penis/strap-on/foreign object and rubs all residue – poopy, spermy or otherwise – on the other party’s top lip. If ya hadn’t guessed, this makes for a solid man-made moustache. (For more on art that can be made via dick, check painter Pricasso making beauty HERE.)
TWITTERBANG
Banging someone with whom you’ve exchanged less than 140 words. GETTING. IT. DONE.
CLEVELAND STEAMER
When one person takes a dump on another’s chest, proceeding to sit down and roll back and forth like a fkn steam roller. Role play for the ages, sexually active ones.
ALABAMA HOT POCKET
Separating the vaginal lips/butt cheeks, taking a shit inside and then potentially having sex with the orifice afterwards. We’d recommend douching after this shitfight.
COSBY SWEATER
Muching something bright and colourful like Fruit Loops or a roll-up and doing a tactical vom on your partners chest. The end result should be nothing short of a messy, majestical rainbow.
MAUI MUDSLIDE
Y’know the word mudslide is going to equate to something truly dirty, and you’d be right. This one is the act of pooing your brains out on someone’s chest then penetrating so the shit slides down like a mudslide. Here in Aus, we like to think of this one as “The Stuart Diver”.
THE CONCOCTION
Oh my. Oh mee oh my. One for the artisanal that requires you to mix semen and menstrual blood to make a nice pink hue. Then you’ll paint yourselves just like you were in kindergarten again! Who knew sex could be such a hoot!
BLUMPKIN
Getting your shlong sucked while also taking a dump, all while patting on your back for your ability to multitask.
COLD LUNCH
FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. This one has a few definitions, each just as wildly NOT OK as the other. One’s when you deepthroat so hard that you regurgitate a lil’ bit of vom onto his peen, but still continue. The other’s when you vomit onto the person performing felacio. Lovely, no?
DOG IN A BATHTUB
Basically, trying to jam your ballsack into an opening. Apparently this term came from the difficulty of trying to keep your pet in the bath.
FELCHING
Unleashing the seamen from your demon and into one’s ass, then sucking it back with a straw. Wouldn’t want it go to waste now, would ya?
NINJA SEX
Doin the wild thang on mute while one or more people are in the room. Oh STFU, you’ve either been the penetrator, penetratee or passed out in the corner. It’s OK. YOLO etc.
KANYE WEST’D
Pausing mid-bang to talk about a past penetrator who was, simply put, better at sex than they are. Then, continue.
CLAM JAM
Female equivalent to a cock block.
CHOCOLATE PIZZA
Discovering hemorrhoids while eating ass, cause pepperoni – geddit?
HOUDINI
Giving anal and then spitting on the receivers back so they think it’s jizz. Then when they turn around you find a fun sprog zone somewhere on their face. Ca-ute!
BROWN NECKTIE
Think Pearl Necklace, but swap out the jizz for poo remnants, and lengthen your leftovers down the chest.
If you don’t know whether or not to cry or go get yourself some P in the V/B, join the fucking club. We’re so done.
