Roadtesting The Arcwave Ion: A Terrifying Dick Robot Designed To Make You Cum Like A Cannon

Contributor: Jack Mehoff
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Male masturbation. A touchy subject, am I right folks? Though sex toys designed for women are a fairly well-versed and refined subject, on a mainstream level male editions tend to be largely mired in gimmick and shame. Discussing male sex toys tends to evoke the same handful of genres: Weird rubber mouth you can cram your hog into, weird rubber vagina or anus you can cram your hog into, plastic or metal rings your hog may or may not fit into, plastic hog-restricting cages, and so on and so forth. The kind of thing that, in your head, you find on a bottom shelf of a truckstop’s titty mag stand, or on the wall of a seedy sex shop slowly collecting dust. Masturbating – jerking off, cranking the hog, janking the bepis, giving yourself the old Christmas Handshake – is a topic mired in taboo and shame for the average man. It’s something done in silence, in solitude, as quickly as humanly possible; a basement-standard itch the scratching of which conjures images of the depressed and lonely. And that’s shitty! It fucken sucks a lot! There should be no barrier for men to know thyselves a little better through the patience and joy of a special wank; one given the time and space to blossom from a mere ugly tug of the trouser noodle to something revelatory and expansive. So with that in mind, here’s an honest review of the Arcwave Ion.

Most of everyone with even a passing interest in this particular genre of entertainment will be well aware of the Womanizer: The gamechanging clitoral stimulator that may well be the closest thing to an actual magic wand ever created by humans.

The company behind that particular piece of magic is now moving into the male realm, launching the Arcwave Ion here in Australia earlier this week.

To say it’s an intimidating piece of weaponry is something of an understatement. Looking slightly more like an attachment for a sniper rifle rather than something to flop the schlong up in, the Arcwave Ion is a weighty apparatus comprised of a surprisingly solid motor base, and a silicone sheath attachment into which a stiffy can be placed.

That intimidation factor, however, is significantly mitigated by the Arcwave Ion’s housing; each unit comes complete with a sleek, borderline-elegant charging unit that would not be out of place on any stately bookshelf. The untrained eye could easily assume it to be the container for a bottle of small batch whiskey.

Utilising the same “Pleasure Air Technology” that the Womanizer does, the Arcwave Ion comes with some rather strict instructions:

  • Use plenty of lube
  • Resist the urge to thrust
  • It will take a few uses to get the hang of

Pleasure Air Technology, in this instance, refers to a small vent or jet through which the Arcwave Ion’s engine unit pumps gentle but rather very bloody good air waves up into the frenulum – which, for those of you who skipped anatomy, is the bit on the underside of your old mate’s head that makes you see God if you accidentally ding it while rubbing one out manually.

The silicon sheath is remarkably comfortable, once you get past the sheer hilarity of the squelching noises that a well-lubed dick makes when being eased into it. And the machine itself is designed to start automatically once you make contact. Though this can make finding the right spot a bit of a journey; with all things worth doing, practice makes perfect.

Arcwave Ion – $299.99

The product itself recommends edging as the best form of usage. For a lot of users, that’s going to be a process requiring a certain amount of time, as the Arcwave Ion possesses rocket-like power that makes it hard to do anything other than hurtle towards the finish line like Usain Bolt with jumper cables attached to his ass.

But much like Womanizer, the Arcwave Ion has gamechanging potential; to shift the perception of male masturbation away from utility and hilarity to something far more constructive and healthy, and also to expand the knowledge base of any pleasure-seeking bloke.

Which, ultimately, makes the Arcwave Ion a great thing.

And after trying it out a few times, I can first-handedly tell you: It’s an extremely great thing indeed.