It brings me extreme pleasure to announce the resident queen of transphobia J.K. Rowling has fallen victim to the wildest prank. A mischievous act that possibly no one else on God’s green earth would believe because even the smallest slither of self awareness would see you sniff this doozy out from a mile away. Rowling truly, legitimately and genuinely thought she was on a Zoom call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
But she was not on the blower with Zelenskyy. She was speaking to Vladimir Kuznetsov and Aleksei Stolyarov, a Russian comedy duo who prank under the name Vovan and Lexus. And they got her ass for nearly 13 fucking minutes.
Mere seconds into the call, the supposed president told Rowling he had to admit something.
“I’m a big fan of your work,” he said.
Rowling smiled and held her hand against her chest. The woman was touched by this endearing sentiment. As she sat there, gazing into the screen with that blank fluoride stare and her hand on her heart like she was about to break into the American national anthem, the fufu Zelenskyy asked: “What are you doing?”
The interview is full of absolute slappers, such as the prank patrol telling Rowling that Tchaikovsky — the Russian composer she listened to while writing the Harry Potter series — was gay, news to which she sagely nodded at and said: “Yep. Yep.”
Or whether sanctions should be imposed on Aleksandr Kuznetsov, the Russian actor who played Helmut in Fantastic Beasts: The Secret of Dumbledore. Rowling’s reply? “I will certainly talk to people and see what we can do.”
The TERF gun seemed to want to accomodate to all of Zelenskyy’s requests. She said she would look into changing Harry Potter’s “Z” shaped scar, which looks like the symbol the Russian Armed Forces use on their military vehicles, into the Ukrainian trident.
“I will look at that,” she said.
“It might be good for me to do something with that myself on social media because I think that will get into the newspapers.
“I didn’t know they were doing that but it’s something that I can address personally.”
J.K. Rowling fell victim to a hoax by someone tricking her into believing she was on Zoom with the president of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky.— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) June 23, 2022
The prankster told Rowling that Ukraine would write “Avada Kedavra” on its missiles and promised to name libraries in Ukraine after her. pic.twitter.com/dBhFLzmYVT
The fake president deadass even invited Rowling to read Harry Potter to the soldiers in the Azov Regiment, a Ukrainian paramilitary group full of bookworms who like to read German literature and also used to decorate their headquarters with swastikas.
Possibly the most astounding part of the interview, however, is Rowling’s sheer excitement when she hears the news that Zelenskyy had ordered Ukrainian soldiers to write “avada kedavra” on the missiles they yeet into Russia.
“I love that joke,” she said.
“I really do.”
Like the true Potterhead he is, Zelenskyy even established an Order of the Ukrainian Phoenix, which recruits wizards and witches who use special spells to help the Ukranian army. And the supreme leader of the TERFs got to meet them! JoJo, you’re siriusly so riddikulus for this.
According to The Rowling Library, Vovan and Lexus have also successfully gagged Elton John and former U.S. president George W. Bush, so can you really blame Rowling for falling for the prank?
She would have felt so special knowing the Ukrainian president — who is currently embroiled in a horrifically violent war against Russia — set aside time specifically to chat with the woman who once revealed that witches and wizards of yore used to take dumps on the floor at Hogwarts.
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