J.K. Rowling Says Witches & Wizards Used To Shit On The Floor At Hogwarts

Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling won’t stop messing with the Harry Potter universe until she has tarnished everything you used to love, so it should come as no surprise that, in a recent update to Pottermore, it was revealed the witches and wizards of old used to drop steaming hot turds right on the floor of Hogwarts.

I wish I was making this up or being hyperbolic, but I’m not – this is real, folks, so strap the fuck in.

Apparently, Friday was National Trivia Day in the US, but instead of squeezing out some harmless nugget of information like “Narcissa Malfoy is gluten intolerant” or something, Rowling decided to reveal the following information about where witches and wizards used to take dumps:

“Hogwarts didn’t always have bathrooms. Before adopting Muggle plumbing methods in the eighteenth century, witches and wizards simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and vanished the evidence.”

This begs a number of questions – would the witches and wizards of old just pull up their robes and squat in the hallways of Hogwarts? Does this mean they weren’t wearing anything under there? Were Snape, McGonagall and the rest just running around commando the entire time? Was Dumbledore‘s ageing wizard peen just, like, flapping around in the breeze when he gave all those stirring speeches? Also, what’s the incantation to make wizard poop vanish? It is turdus disappearus? WHY would you even make us think about this stuff, J.K Rowling?

The update was actually part of a new Pottermore story by Rowling about the origins of the Chamber of Secrets, so if you want to read a riveting explanation about how the plumbing at Hogwarts works and have your childhood favourite sullied even more, then I guess today’s your lucky day.

Anyway, Harry Potter is ruined now, so have a nice day, everyone.