Prime Ministers. You want ’em? We’ve got ’em. 30 to be exact, counted them myself. But what do they smell like? Well, my good friend, you’ve come to the right place. Please, let me guide you through exactly what I believe every Prime Minister of Australia smells like. This is the knowledge you needed to have.
Why have I pursued this lofty task? Well, we’ve all sat there and wondered what celebrities smell like, right? Well, I’ve just applied that natural curiosity to the Prime Ministers of our country. Sure it’s chaotic, but trust me, you’ll agree with a good majority of these educated guesses.
On top of this, the trend of ‘Here’s what I think X smells like’ has been taking off on TikTok, so I thought I’d give my hand at it after being inspired by some hilarious users.
So yeah, here’s what every Prime Minister probably smells like, from Edmund Barton to ScoMo himself.
Edmund Barton
Getty Images: Universal History Archive.
I just know this man smells like cheese. I just know it. Honest to God, I know. Not even bad cheese just like, an overwhelming amount of cheese. An unnatural surplus, if you will.
Alfred Deakin
Getty Images: Hulton Archive
Alfred Deakin for sure smells like smoke. I don’t even mean cigar smoke, I mean genuine ‘I’m coughing up my lungs’ smoke. Thick, black smoke. Almost as if he had emerged from a fresh cloud at every appearance.
Chris Watson
Source: National Library of Australia
Desperation.
George Reid
Source: Library of Congress’s Prints and Photographs
Man smells of wax and cigars. An unhealthy combination of the two. The kind of smell where you’d hope one force sets off the other, but instead they combine into a ghastly concoction.
Andrew Fisher
Getty Images: Topical Press Agency
I’m trying to decide between English breakfast tea and fresh tennis balls. I feel like the true scent lies somewhere in between, but either way, it must be known, this man does not smell bad at all.
Joseph Cook
Source: Crown Studios
Rainy Sunday afternoons. Some may say he just smells damp but I’d like to counter this argument. Fuck that noise. It’s a far more pleasant scent I believe.
Billy Hughes
Source: National Library of Australia
Peanuts. Don’t fight me on this one. I’d even go as far as to say peanut butter, but I shan’t be too controversial.
Stanley Bruce
Getty Images: Bettmann
Now the easy answer here is ‘smoking pipe’, but nay, that is what he simply wants you to think. It’s a mere cover-up to the true smell. Stanley Bruce for sure smells like mustard. Hand on the Bible. Mustard.
James Scullin
Source: National Library of Australia
This dapper dad smells like new car. You know the smell, that’s him. On off days he gives off the smell of car oil or petrol. Either way, his scent is strictly vehicular.
Joseph Lyons
Source: National Library of Australia
I want so badly to say electricity. So bad. I know, I know, electricity does not have a smell, but surely you get where I’m coming from right? It’s just a vibe. It’s either that or plain toast.
Earle Page
Source: National Library of Australia
Custard!
Robert Menzies
Getty Images: Jimmy Sime
I just get the vibe that Menzies smells like campfire and gun powder. Leaning more towards gun powder though.
Arthur Fadden
Source: National Library of Australia
Homophobia <3.
John Curtin
Getty Images: Bettmann
I honestly get the feeling that Curtin smells like Hydralyte water. Yeah, I’m pretty certain about this one.
Franke Forde
Source: Australian Department of Information
Baby if homophobia wasn’t already taken I’d use it again, but honestly I reckon Forde smells like anchovies. That really raw odour of fish.
Ben Chifley
Source: National Library of Australia
Stale crackers. You know exactly what I’m talking about, and I’m sure you can see it too.
Harold Holt
Getty Images: Keystone
John McEwen
Source: Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade
The inside of an old cupboard or wardrobe. Like something is going old in here but you just can’t figure out what. Dust and mothballs fill the air. That kinda smell.
John Gorton
Getty Images: Keystone-France
I hate to be simple here but the man smells like coffee, and you know it.
Billy McMahon
Source: Australian News and Information Bureau
Bricks and cement. Do not contest what you know is the truth.
Gough Whitlam
Getty Images: Central Press
Easy one. My guy here smells like wet metal.
Malcolm Fraser
Getty Images: David Austen
Officeworks. That kind of smell that’s like paper mixed with enthusiasm. Business with hints of fun. Briefcases mixed with freshly mopped aisles. You sense it too? Cool, good to know I’m not crazy.
Bob Hawke
Getty Images: Patrick Riviere
It would be un-Australian to say anything but beers. A nice cold one on a Friday arvo.
Paul Keating
Getty Images: Tim Graham
This is a tough one for sure, because there’s no real smell that Keating 100% gives off. But hey, imma say ink. Definitely smells like ink. But beneath that is complete olfactory neutrality.
John Howard
Getty Images: Hanna Lessen
Soy sauce. This knowledge came to me in a dream. I will be accepting no further questions at this point.
Kevin Rudd
Getty Images: Michael Gottschalk
The messy crown prince of Twitter beef himself, Kevin ’07. As much as I love him to death, I have to say sweat. But like, sweating for a cause, y’know. Perspiration from running a campaign against Murdoch. Still sweat, but not pungent sweat. Anyway, I’m gonna move on.
Julia Gillard
Getty Images: Kelly Defina
Citrus. Something lovely. Like zesty lemon, I think.
Tony Abbott
Getty Images: Don Arnold
Onions. Next question.
Malcolm Turnbull
Getty Images: Don Arnold
Okay, I’m going to get very specific here. You know when you’re lining up at the bank, and there’s just that bank smell wafting through the air. It’s like a mixture of money and impatience. Yeah. Turnbull smells like the line at a bank.
Scott Morrison
Getty Images: Daniel Leal-Olivas
A difficult one for sure. My gut says olives, my brain says radishes and my heart tells me garlic. One day, I will unravel the truth, but today is not that day.
