Prime Ministers. You want ’em? We’ve got ’em. 30 to be exact, counted them myself. But what do they smell like? Well, my good friend, you’ve come to the right place. Please, let me guide you through exactly what I believe every Prime Minister of Australia smells like. This is the knowledge you needed to have.

Why have I pursued this lofty task? Well, we’ve all sat there and wondered what celebrities smell like, right? Well, I’ve just applied that natural curiosity to the Prime Ministers of our country. Sure it’s chaotic, but trust me, you’ll agree with a good majority of these educated guesses.

On top of this, the trend of ‘Here’s what I think X smells like’ has been taking off on TikTok, so I thought I’d give my hand at it after being inspired by some hilarious users.

So yeah, here’s what every Prime Minister probably smells like, from Edmund Barton to ScoMo himself.

Edmund Barton

Getty Images: Universal History Archive.

I just know this man smells like cheese. I just know it. Honest to God, I know. Not even bad cheese just like, an overwhelming amount of cheese. An unnatural surplus, if you will.

Alfred Deakin

Getty Images: Hulton Archive

Alfred Deakin for sure smells like smoke. I don’t even mean cigar smoke, I mean genuine ‘I’m coughing up my lungs’ smoke. Thick, black smoke. Almost as if he had emerged from a fresh cloud at every appearance.

Chris Watson

Source: National Library of Australia

Desperation.

George Reid

Source: Library of Congress’s Prints and Photographs

Man smells of wax and cigars. An unhealthy combination of the two. The kind of smell where you’d hope one force sets off the other, but instead they combine into a ghastly concoction.

Andrew Fisher

Getty Images: Topical Press Agency

I’m trying to decide between English breakfast tea and fresh tennis balls. I feel like the true scent lies somewhere in between, but either way, it must be known, this man does not smell bad at all.

Joseph Cook

Source: Crown Studios

Rainy Sunday afternoons. Some may say he just smells damp but I’d like to counter this argument. Fuck that noise. It’s a far more pleasant scent I believe.

Billy Hughes

Source: National Library of Australia

Peanuts. Don’t fight me on this one. I’d even go as far as to say peanut butter, but I shan’t be too controversial.

Stanley Bruce

Getty Images: Bettmann

Now the easy answer here is ‘smoking pipe’, but nay, that is what he simply wants you to think. It’s a mere cover-up to the true smell. Stanley Bruce for sure smells like mustard. Hand on the Bible. Mustard.

James Scullin

Source: National Library of Australia

This dapper dad smells like new car. You know the smell, that’s him. On off days he gives off the smell of car oil or petrol. Either way, his scent is strictly vehicular.

Joseph Lyons

Source: National Library of Australia

I want so badly to say electricity. So bad. I know, I know, electricity does not have a smell, but surely you get where I’m coming from right? It’s just a vibe. It’s either that or plain toast.

Earle Page

Source: National Library of Australia

Custard!

Robert Menzies

Getty Images: Jimmy Sime

I just get the vibe that Menzies smells like campfire and gun powder. Leaning more towards gun powder though.

Arthur Fadden

Source: National Library of Australia

Homophobia <3.

John Curtin

Getty Images: Bettmann

I honestly get the feeling that Curtin smells like Hydralyte water. Yeah, I’m pretty certain about this one.

Franke Forde

Source: Australian Department of Information

Baby if homophobia wasn’t already taken I’d use it again, but honestly I reckon Forde smells like anchovies. That really raw odour of fish.

Ben Chifley

Source: National Library of Australia

Stale crackers. You know exactly what I’m talking about, and I’m sure you can see it too.

Harold Holt

Getty Images: Keystone

Ocean breeze.

John McEwen

Source: Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade

The inside of an old cupboard or wardrobe. Like something is going old in here but you just can’t figure out what. Dust and mothballs fill the air. That kinda smell.

John Gorton

Getty Images: Keystone-France

I hate to be simple here but the man smells like coffee, and you know it.

Billy McMahon

Source: Australian News and Information Bureau

Bricks and cement. Do not contest what you know is the truth.

Gough Whitlam

Getty Images: Central Press

Easy one. My guy here smells like wet metal.

Malcolm Fraser

Getty Images: David Austen

Officeworks. That kind of smell that’s like paper mixed with enthusiasm. Business with hints of fun. Briefcases mixed with freshly mopped aisles. You sense it too? Cool, good to know I’m not crazy.

Bob Hawke

Getty Images: Patrick Riviere

It would be un-Australian to say anything but beers. A nice cold one on a Friday arvo.

Paul Keating

Getty Images: Tim Graham

This is a tough one for sure, because there’s no real smell that Keating 100% gives off. But hey, imma say ink. Definitely smells like ink. But beneath that is complete olfactory neutrality.

John Howard

Getty Images: Hanna Lessen

Soy sauce. This knowledge came to me in a dream. I will be accepting no further questions at this point.

Kevin Rudd

Getty Images: Michael Gottschalk

The messy crown prince of Twitter beef himself, Kevin ’07. As much as I love him to death, I have to say sweat. But like, sweating for a cause, y’know. Perspiration from running a campaign against Murdoch. Still sweat, but not pungent sweat. Anyway, I’m gonna move on.

Julia Gillard

Getty Images: Kelly Defina

Citrus. Something lovely. Like zesty lemon, I think.

Tony Abbott

Getty Images: Don Arnold

Onions. Next question.

Malcolm Turnbull

Getty Images: Don Arnold

Okay, I’m going to get very specific here. You know when you’re lining up at the bank, and there’s just that bank smell wafting through the air. It’s like a mixture of money and impatience. Yeah. Turnbull smells like the line at a bank.

Scott Morrison

Getty Images: Daniel Leal-Olivas

A difficult one for sure. My gut says olives, my brain says radishes and my heart tells me garlic. One day, I will unravel the truth, but today is not that day.

Image: Getty Images / Don Arnold, Central Press