Walmart Bans Your New Hero For “Crime” Of Drinking Wine From A Pringles Can

Some people are born great. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Some, a rare few, grab greatness by the scruff of the neck and shake down the thunder from the damned sky. Somehow, this might be a case of all three existing within the one person at the same time.

Walmart in Texas has issued a ban on an unidentified woman who, they claim, caused a disturbance in their parking lot.

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Police were called to the scene, which occurred on Saturday (US time) in the northern Texas town of Wichita Falls, where they located the woman at a restaurant a short distance from the Walmart and informed her that the ban was being imposed upon her.

Now then, the fun bits:

Walmart officials called the cops on the woman at around 9am in the morning, after initially spotting her at about 6:30am in parking lot.

The woman caught the eye of store officials because she was, we shit you the hell not, riding around on an electric shopping trolley while sipping wine from a Pringles can.

Let’s unpack that one real quick via the majesty of dot points:

  • Tear-arsing around a Walmart shopping centre car park.
  • Hoovering wine out of a probably not-watertight Pringles can.
  • At six-thirty in the damned morning.

Considering all that, the only logical conclusion to draw here is that she has had the cops called on her and a Walmart ban imposed for the crime of having too much fun. An illegal amount of fun. A simply criminal level of enjoyment.

Absolutely fanging around an empty carpark in a motorised cart while mainlining $7 shiraz out of an empty salt & vinegar chippies tube. There are Kings of unrivalled decadence that haven’t lived that well.

And yet do you reckon this magnificent Queen will get a damned statue? Unbelievable.