Stay with us on this one, folks. It’s a real wild ride: Prominent YouTube personality/conspiracy theorist/filmmaker Shane Dawson has issued one of the most truly baffling public apologies of all time, insisting that a four-year-old story on an episode of his podcast in which he gleefully admitted to dry fucking and cumming on his cat was actually, in fact, a lie.

Dawson appeared on Twitter this afternoon virtually out of the blue with the multi-tweet apology, which began with the absolute barn-burning line “I didn’t fuck my cat.”

Please, we insist, stay with us here.

The whole shebang stems from a 2015 episode of his Shane and Friends podcast in which he, rather apropos of nothing, drops an extremely detailed and rather graphic story about, well… dry humping his cat and jizzing on it.

I mean, not to cast aspersions or anything but that’s the kind of free-wheeling yarn you’d only really get from someone who lived the experience.

Regardless, Dawson today insists that the story was “fake” and based on a “dumb awful sketch idea” (what) that he had at one point back in the day. Sure thing m8.

This sorta thing has bitten Dawson on the ass before: In January he issued an apology video after clips from an old podcast episode in which he referred to a six-year-old Instagrammer as “kind of sexy” resurfaced.

Today, however, it’s the cat fucking yarn.

He assures you all he absolutely did not fuck, and definitely did not cum on, his cat.

Didn’t happen.

Y’know.

Probably.