BREAKING: Former Prime Minister, Health Minister, Finance Minister, Home Affairs Minister, Treasurer and Industry and Science Minister Scott Morrison has added a seventh job to his list of sneaky careers: Minister of Gaslighting.

Morrison held a press conference on Wednesday, seemingly to address the fact that he secretly appointed himself at least five extra ministerial positions during his tenure as Prime Minister. I say seemingly because his entire speech was a long, pointless waste of time.

Let me recap for you.

Morrison fronted the media and immediately began talking up his term as PM. Hun, this isn’t what I would have led with, given that you and the Liberal Party got completely spanked at the 2022 Federal Election. If you were that shit-hot as PM, surely you’d be enjoying a continuous 1000-year reign, a la sentient fossil John Howard.

Anyway, I digress. As we’ve seen Scott Morrison doing in interviews all week, in his presser the former PM used the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse for all the dodgy ministerial shit he pulled.

The situation was very real. It was very serious,” he said, somewhat dramatically. “Events changed hourly, if not even more frequently than that. Meetings were constant. There was a procession of these and engagements.” Meetings were constant? Events changed hourly? Sounds like the average day in the life of an online journo, mate.

Morrison then doubled down on the high drama of the time, adding: “The prospect of serious loss of life, of disruption to civil society, of the collapse of our economy, as we were seeing in other parts of the world, was real.”

He then tried something new, introducing a somewhat Shakespearean “storm” analogy, which in my opinion as someone who did at least one semester of Shakespeare studies at Newcastle Uni, didn’t really land.

“As we sit here now in the relative calm seas, or perhaps from the safety of the shore, and we look back at a time which was a raging tempest, people can be led to make judgements out of context. But the context was very real.”

The safety of the shore??? Morrison, Gaslight McGee, whatever your name is: you fucked off to Hawaii while we were burning. Pretty sure you were the one that was on the shore.

Honestly, most of Morrison’s speech was classic Morrison waffle, but from what I can tell he pointed the finger at the Australian public and the media for their unrealistic expectations of him, using that as the catalyst for his secret ministerial hijinks.

“There was a clear expectation established in the public’s mind, certainly in the media’s mind, and absolutely certainly in the mind of the Opposition, as I would walk into Question Time every day, that I, as Prime Minister, was responsible pretty much for every single thing that was going on, every drop of rain, every strain of the virus, everything that occurred over that period of time.”

Morrison then used that whinge as a springboard into why he decided to secretly give himself these ministerial powers. Basically, it’s all our fault because we expected too much of him wah wah wah.

“With an understanding of the expectation of public responsibility singularly directed at the Prime Minister, I believed it was necessary to have authority, to have what were effectively emergency powers, to exercise in extreme situations that would be unforeseen, that would enable me to act in the national interests,” he said. “And that is what I did in a crisis.”

Sorry, but we’ve all lived through this same pandemic. It’s been stressful as fuck, but as far as I can recall I didn’t take it upon myself to swear myself in as the CEO of Pedestrian Group. Fuck, if I knew that was something you could do, I probably would have.

Lightly touching on the fact that he did all of this authority-adding IN SECRET, Morrison said: “The fact that ministers were unaware of these things is actually proof of my lack of interference or intervention in any of their activities, and that I honoured the basis upon which I sought those powers.” It’s giving “Babe you didn’t even notice I was cheating on you, so why are you mad?”

Anyway, Scott Morrison’s speech continued for a good five to 10 minutes of self-defensive bluster. He dropped pointless comments like: “[I] did not exercise those powers. And I had the power, though, to act if that was necessary”.

There was also the classic: “I sought to pursue the national interest on that basis, not for any personal advancement, but to get Australia through one of the worst crises we have faced since the Second World War”. Yes, you’re a regular Winston Churchill. Go off king.

So the TL;DR is this: Morrison insisted he swore himself into these ministerial positions for our own good, he never used the power but he could have if he wanted to. And it was all our fault because we had such high expectations of him and it was a crazy time, you guys!!!

Morrison then opened it up to questions from the media and I was absolutely cackling that this was the first one: “Why did you deceive the Australian public and Treasurer and Finance Minister about this?” Morrison’s answer? “I don’t share that view.”

Lol. It became clear to me watching that no, Scott Morrison wasn’t going to resign from his cushy Parliament gig because Scott Morrison as always is shifting the blame and wriggling out of any admission of wrongdoing.

Like I said, dear readers: a long, pointless waste of time. Kind of like his term as Prime Minister.

Image: ABC