BREAKING: Former Prime Minister, Health Minister, Finance Minister, Home Affairs Minister, Treasurer and Industry and Science Minister Scott Morrison has added a seventh job to his list of sneaky careers: Minister of Gaslighting.
Morrison held a press conference on Wednesday, seemingly to address the fact that he secretly appointed himself at least five extra ministerial positions during his tenure as Prime Minister. I say seemingly because his entire speech was a long, pointless waste of time.
Let me recap for you.
Morrison fronted the media and immediately began talking up his term as PM. Hun, this isn’t what I would have led with, given that you and the Liberal Party got completely spanked at the 2022 Federal Election. If you were that shit-hot as PM, surely you’d be enjoying a continuous 1000-year reign, a la sentient fossil John Howard.
Anyway, I digress. As we’ve seen Scott Morrison doing in interviews all week, in his presser the former PM used the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse for all the dodgy ministerial shit he pulled.
— Belle Lightfoot (@Bel104) August 17, 2022
Morrison then doubled down on the high drama of the time, adding: “
Honestly, most of Morrison’s speech was classic Morrison waffle, but from what I can tell he pointed the finger at the Australian public and the media for their unrealistic expectations of him, using that as the catalyst for his secret ministerial hijinks.
Morrison then used that whinge as a springboard into why he decided to secretly give himself these ministerial powers. Basically, it’s all our fault because we expected too much of him wah wah wah.
“You couldn’t understand this because you haven’t been the Prime Minister” is a hell of an explanation for baffling secret Ministries
— Kym Chapple (@kymtje) August 17, 2022
Sorry, but we’ve all lived through this same pandemic. It’s been stressful as fuck, but as far as I can recall I didn’t take it upon myself to swear myself in as the CEO of Pedestrian Group. Fuck, if I knew that was something you could do, I probably would have.
Lightly touching on the fact that he did all of this authority-adding IN SECRET, Morrison said: “The fact that ministers were unaware of these things is actually proof of my lack of interference or intervention in any of their activities, and that I honoured the basis upon which I sought those powers.” It’s giving “Babe you didn’t even notice I was cheating on you, so why are you mad?”
Anyway, Scott Morrison’s speech continued for a good five to 10 minutes of self-defensive bluster. He dropped pointless comments like: “[I] d
strange argument: everyone said i wasn’t doing enough so i secretly took on a bunch of powers and didn’t do anything with them
— Tiger Webb (@tfswebb) August 17, 2022
So the TL;DR is this: Morrison insisted he swore himself into these ministerial positions for our own good, he never used the power but he could have if he wanted to. And it was all our fault because we had such high expectations of him and it was a crazy time, you guys!!!
you’ve got to hand it to the liberal party, they excel at appointing leaders who would be the absolute worst person at the pub on any given night
— ed (@macaulaybalkan) August 17, 2022
Morrison then opened it up to questions from the media and I was absolutely cackling that this was the first one: “
Lol. It became clear to me watching that no, Scott Morrison wasn’t going to resign from his cushy Parliament gig because Scott Morrison as always is shifting the blame and wriggling out of any admission of wrongdoing.
Like I said, dear readers: a long, pointless waste of time. Kind of like his term as Prime Minister.