Good afternoon and a big ol’ what the fuck to Scott Morrison and Scott Morrison alone. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has revealed that on top of being PM, Scomo had FIVE more jobs to his name. FIVE!!!!

“This is a sad indictment of not just Mr Morrison, but all those cabinet colleagues of his who sat back and allowed this to happen,” said Albanese, per the Sydney Morning Herald.

“It’s undermined our democracy. It’s an attack on the Westminster system of parliamentary democracy as we know it. And not just Mr Morrison, but others, who were involved in this, need to be held to account.”

According to Albanese, these are the jobs Scott Morrison held:

  • Second Minister of the Department of Health from March 14, 2020.
  • Second Minister of the Department of Finance from March 30, 2020.
  • Second Minister of the Department of Home Affairs from May 6, 2021.
  • Second Minister of the Department of Treasury from May 6, 2021.
  • Second Minister of the Department of Industry and Science from April 15, 2021.

Add the title of Prime Minister to that lot and you have SIX jobs. What the fuck is going ON?

Morrison responded to reports of his secret jobs during a radio interview with 2GB (but of course — where else would he go?).

“It was a safeguard in terms of how we were making decisions, you know, at a fairly extraordinary time,” he said.

“I think sometimes we forget what was happening two years ago and the situation we were dealing with, it was a very unprecedented time.

“We had to take some extraordinary measures to put safeguards in place.”

And those safeguards were… your walnut head?

He also mentioned that not informing anyone of his secret roles may have been an “oversight”. The smartest thing the man has ever said, while also somehow still being the dumbest.

Something tells me this drama isn’t finished unfurling. Former Home Affairs Minister Karen Andrews is now calling for Morrison to pack his bags and leave Federal Parliament for good. I highly doubt she’s going to be the only one making such calls.

In case you missed some of the earlier Morrison tea, here’s all the information you need to know to get up to speed with this constantly unfolding drama.

If the words “Ministerial Portfolios” mean nothing to you, then you’ve come to the right place. Allow me to explain this whole thing in a way that makes sense and doesn’t make your tea go bitter. We want our tea to be slightly warm with key notes of honey and vanilla. After all, what is politics but a bunch of hot gossip, messy binches and piping hot TEA?

So what’s all the fuss about?

Well, News.com.au revealed that Scott Morrison had three secret jobs in addition to being prime minister during the pandemic. This tea was spilt on Sunday — we now know that the man actually had five extra jobs.

Yep, the guy who couldn’t even do the role of Prime Minister properly decided to secretly give himself five additional positions.

Very few people in government reportedly knew about this secret rendezvous. Governor-General David Hurley who swore Morrison as Minister of multiple departments is one of the people who did.

Why trust your own party when you can just do every job yourself?

Using his powers across these different Ministerial Portfolios, Morrison was able to have the last say in a multitude of decisions. However, people like then-Finance Minister Mathias Cormann had no idea that Morrison possessed such powers.

Naturally, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is pissed that his former arch nemesis Morrison pulled such a ridiculous stunt while in power and is looking to investigate all the fuckery.

“This is extraordinary and unprecedented,” he said on Monday.

“Let’s be very clear — Australians knew during the election campaign that I was running a shadow ministry. What they didn’t know was that Scott Morrison was running a shadow government.”

I would pay a healthy amount to be in the writer’s room when Albo’s team came up with that one.

“A whole lot of questions arise from this,” Albanese continued.

“What did Peter Dutton and other continuing members of the now shadow ministry know about these circumstances?”

“And how is it that the Governor-General could swear in Scott Morrison into ministerial portfolios without there being transparency there about that process? This is quite extraordinary.

“This is a Government of Australia where the people of Australia were kept in the dark as to what the ministerial arrangements were. It’s completely unacceptable.”

A spokesperson for the Governor-General sent a statement to News.com.au about the matter, claiming that what transpired was all good and fine in the conjunctivitis-filled eyes of the law.

Keep in mind, that means he thinks keeping secrets from the entire country is perfectly legal. Doesn’t make it right though!

“The Governor-General, following normal process and acting on the advice of the government of the day, appointed former prime minister Morrison to administer portfolios other than the department of the prime minister and cabinet,” the statement read.

“These appointments do not require a swearing-in ceremony — the Governor-General signs an administrative instrument on the advice of the prime minister.

“The decision whether to publicise appointments to administer additional portfolios is a matter for the government of the day.”

Unfortunately for all of us, the government of that particular day was Scott Morrison’s. This would explain why we knew diddly-squat until now. We pretty much only knew what Humpty Dumpty wanted to tell us.

Morrison released a statement on all of this wild tea on Monday, and it’s as avoidant as you’d expect it to be.

According to News.com.au, Sky News host Kieran Gilbert received the following text from our great and noble pudding prince.

“No, haven’t seen what he has said. Since leaving the job I haven’t engaged in any day-to-day politics.”

I swear this man has five mice controlling his brain via two broken buttons.

Need we remind you that Morrison is literally cashing in $211K from his role as a backbench MP?

Sir, day-to-day politics is literally your job. But that’s right, you missed the first week of Parliament because you were on holiday in Japan.

Maybe it was a Freudian slip. By admitting that he hasn’t engaged in “day-to-day politics”, even though that’s his job, he’s saying that he doesn’t do his fucking job.

It would be consistent with how he approached the role of Prime Minister, and consistency is key!

Well, that’s everything that’s gone down for now.

If you couldn’t be bothered reading everything, here’s the brief summary: Scott Morrison is just as fucked as he always was.

Image: Getty Images / Asanka Ratnayake