Bill and Cathy Cambridge from playgroup are currently asking around during nap time if anybody has heard or knows of some well-priced Help available in April to escort them on their month long tour of the amenities on offer in the subterranean Commonwealth colonies. Somebody willing to feed, bathe, clothe and submit to every murderous whim of your second favourite petulant, toothless, incontinent member of the Royal Family, Prince George. The first being Beatrice.
According to a source ‘close to the couple’ at the Daily Mail, which surely exists and definitely isn’t a bottle of Worcestershire, George’s current nanny, Jessie Webb – who helped raise baby daddy Prince William – has reached the end of her blood contract, which she entered into with the stipulation that she would work for three months because, “Christ, she’s too old for this bullshit, so you clean up your own goddamn mess, you toothless ingrates.”
Because good help is just so hard to find in this day and age, Kate and Wills are now said to be discreetly looking for an extra pair of hands prior to their Australian sojourn – someone who knows the lay of the land; someone with style, with flair, and who looks great in red when everybody else is wearing tan – during which they’ll attempt to hide their disdain for your quant local customs and excellent dental hygiene on each stop of a “punishing schedule” expected to rob the Cambridges of their time and child rearing capabilities.
K8 Middleton’s personal hairdresser, Amanda Cook Tucker, is also expected to join the Royal Tour for obvious reasons, but Carole Middleton – a former flight stewardess who often “shows up at Kensington Palace without warning” – is not invited, also for obvious reasons.
via The Daily Mail
Photo: WPA Pool via Getty
