Picture this: it’s Wednesday morning, you’re driving to to work, and suddenly you’re slamming on the brake and swerving because a man in a dick and balls costume is jizzing all over the road. His name is Big Cum. My friend, you have been visited by the Jizz Man.

A video posted to Brown Cardigan this morning shows the ejaculating hog in all its glory, spraying over what looks like Barkly St in Melbourne’s Footscray.

I’m not too familiar with the world of realistic penis costumes, but this one looks legit. The colour is alarmingly realistic. The scrotum wrinkles in an all-too-familiar way. And the shaft and head – the costume’s crowning achievement, if you will – has quite a bend to it, but then so do many who cum amongst us.

You look at this image and think to yourself: sure is a penis.

penis puppet

Sir. SIR. It’s 10am, do you know where your penis is?

It appears to be the work of Snuff Puppets, the same group behind the big foot from the weekend. (Sadly, not THAT Big Foot. This big foot.)

They’re a Melbourne collective of puppeteers and puppet-makers, who take Shakespeare’s “all the world’s a stage” quote literally and perform on the street. Or the park. Or any public indoor or outdoor space, really.

“The penis escaped the workshop and went for a stroll!” Snuff Puppets told PEDESTRIAN.TV by email, which is coincidentally a very specific nightmare of mine.

It was part of their live-streamed show, another one of which is happening this Sunday 7pm. (Hey, you gotta plug where you gotta plug.)

Image: Brown Cardigan / Brad Shaw