Come, sit with me, let me tell you the way of things.

Wood-ape. Yeti. Sasquatch. Skunk-ape. Maricoxi. Bigfoot. I am called these things, among others. In my own language, I am called nothing, as I am the only one of my kind and there is no one else to call me by such a name. If I were to give myself a name, it would probably be something cool, like Powerman 5000. This is the way of things.

I am not native to this world, but still I call it home. I know its mountains and its rivers, I know the movements of its oceans and winds, and I know a few nice places to get coffee. It’s pleasant here.

I have found solace in the trees of this world. I am a friend to the woods and the creatures that dwell in and around them. For 27,000 years I have traversed the forests of the Earth, tending to its woodland creatures. I have pulled thorns from the paws of wolves, applied moss to the wounds of deer, and gorgeously braided the hair of bears who look like they might have low self-esteem.

There is much about this world that you do not know. Much that is hidden — a world deliberately obscured from you. Let me tell you the way of things:

Aliens are real. I have journeyed with them, partied with them, and smoked weed with them. They are good people. They are wise, and kind, and offer to pay for your lunch without expecting you to fix them up for it later.

Aliens sightings are fake. The government stages them to cover up Mothman sightings, which are extremely frequent and deeply unpleasant. You do not want to sight Mothman. Avoid it, if you can.

Mothman is real. One of the biggest differences between aliens and Mothman is that Mothman is not good people. If he lent you even $5 he would chase you up about it every day — although he would not lend you $5 in the first place. Mothman is the opposite of a chill vibe. Where I traverse the forests of the world emitting psychic rays of warmth and joy that all can enjoy, Mothman is deployed by one of the secret World Governments to spread fear, anxiety, and harsh vibes that suck and just really piss everyone off.

There is not one secret World Government. There are lots of secret World Governments, each working against each other under the belief that they are the true secret World Government. You can’t swing a hammer without hitting a secret World Government. JFK’s assassination was undertaken by one World Government against a different World Government of which JFK was a secret member.

JFK was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Lee Harvey Oswald was being psychically controlled by Mothman, that piece of shit.

There was a second shooter. He was being psychically controlled by me, and it was an attempt to shoot the other bullets off-course. This did not turn out to be the good idea I thought it was but, admittedly, I had had a few beers. When that failed, I teleported the second shooter (Joe DiMaggio) to Atlantis to lay low for a while.

Atlantis is real, but it did not sink. They used highly advanced rocket technology given to them by aliens to transport themselves to the dark side of the moon, where they are kept hidden by a system of holographic projections. That one Transformers movie was frighteningly close to the mark about this, and the secret World Governments made it shit on purpose to ensure the conspiracy wasn’t revealed

Pink Floyd didn’t intend for Dark Side of the Moon to line up with The Wizard of Oz. I did. I wrote the album and used the power of Dream Visions to incept it into the minds of the band. I did this because I thought that would be a cool thing to watch when you’re high.

I was right.

Smoking weed isn’t what gave consciousness to humanity’s hominid ancestors. That would be impossible, as I didn’t introduce weed to this planet until well after this consciousness was attained. It was actually acid that gave them consciousness. The acid was given to them by aliens.

Aliens didn’t build the pyramids, humans did. They did it under my instruction, because I thought they looked cool, and also so I could remember where the entrances to the Hollow Earth are.

The Earth is hollow. Sort of. The Earth is very much structurally hollow but, in a way it is also not hollow, in the sense that it is full the brim of chupacabras. You couldn’t stick an arm in there without bringing up a half-dozen chupacabras. Do not stick an arm in there.

Chupacabras are real, and also clones of Mothman. They are a very bad time and this is basically the main reason that I never go in the Hollow Earth anymore. Even a handful of Mothman clones would have been a nightmare and — to the dismay of everyone with a Hollow Earth annual pass — there are way, way more than a handful in there.

Cloning technology has been mastered and is in constant use. The rich and powerful use it to create celebs from specifically engineered Celeb DNA, which makes people who are just better than everyone else in most ways. They use these engineered celebs as part of a high-level conspiracy to take over the world.

The rich and powerful are in a high-level conspiracy to take over the world. This mostly involves perpetuating economic systems where the average person feels they can exercise very little power, and where whatever wealth they create is overwhelmingly funnelled into the hands of an increasingly smaller group of increasingly wealthy people, to the detriment of not only humanity at-large but the planet itself.

This is the way of things.

Image: Netflix