Some trends, like the princesses they centre around, just won’t die. In the case of speculation around the “disappearance” of Princess Kate Middleton, it seems there’s currently an insatiable hunger for 24/7 updates on her whereabouts, wellbeing, and whatever-the-hell else. This obsession from the press and public has resulted in the publication of some pretty bonkers headlines around Middleton.
If the conspiracies about Middleton’s disappearance weren’t weird enough, the unrelenting attempts from the Royal Family and Kensington Palace’s PR team trying to convince the world that all is well for the Windsors, have blown the weirdness scale off the charts.
From that botched photoshop released on Mother’s Day, to the suspiciously filmed appearance of Kate and Prince William outside a farm shop this week, it seems like the palace is doing everything it can to prove the princess didn’t die/get a BBL/appear on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
As a result of the Royal Family’s PR working on 9000% overdrive, there have been a LOT of headlines and stories about Kate, William, William’s alleged mistress Rose Hanbury, King Charles III, and Meghan Markle (of course), that wouldn’t usually get published — but in order to cash in on the Middleton click frenzy, have been.
And before you get all sceptical: yes. I am also cashing in on the click frenzy.
But I’m self aware, which means all my sins are forgiven and I can keep enjoying the view from this ground-level high horse.
So without further ado, here are some of the most bonkers Kate Middleton headlines we’ve recently spotted, and the whole “totally being alive” thing the palace say she’s up to ATM.
1. Kate closes a bar tab.
Like all Royals, Kate is a true hero of the working class. In that same stretch of truth, she is also very much alive and has 18 legs.
Proof of her camaraderie with the peasants she totally associates with was given when news dropped that she paid off the bar tab for her Irish guards as she missed a St Patrick’s Day event recently.
Considering the state of inflation and the cost of living crisis, $3,800 was probably only like four beers. Pretty quiet night for a St Patty’s TBH.
2. Kate works from home, like you!
You know how thanks to the results of the COVID-19 pandemic there’s that adorable perk that means nobody ever feels they can use sick leave anymore, and instead we all work from home in our frail state of recovery?
Well the Princess of Wales knows exactly what that’s like! Who says she’s not a working class hero?
Won’t lie, the “just like you” feels like it was accidentally copied and pasted straight from the Palace PR email chain.
3. Kate’s “special project”, oooooh.
Not only is Kate recovering from her “planned abdominal surgery”, but the palace is dying to let the world know she is also currently working on a “special project” that we should all be heavily invested in.
The project in question, unfortunately is not her application for Married At First Sight, but a campaign with the Royal Foundation Centre for Early Childhood’s Shaping Us project.
Though this is very wholesome and cute, I think we can all agree that it’s a surprise that Kate’s “special project” is not taking an online class in Adobe Photoshop.
4. Royal Family hiring a new comms assistant.
Speaking of photoshop, it appears that since the debacle around Kate’s Mother’s Day post, the Royal Family is currently on the search for a new communications assistant.
What an opportunity! Could you imagine working for the most rich and powerful family in England?
And if it’s such a high profile position, it’s fair to assume the pay is respectable… right?
Ahhhh, only $33K… to work for the literal Royal Family… sure.
Get outta here with that lowballing and offer some real money, or else that communications assistant is 100% leaking all your dirty secrets.
5. Straight from the source… Kate’s mates.
In journalism it’s always important to site a credible source.
And when it comes to Royal news, there’s nothing more credible than an unnamed friend of Kate Middleton’s, who says she is [INSERT VAGUE POSITIVE PULL QUOTE HERE THAT THE PALACE TOTALLY DIDN’T WRITE].
Bonus tip: if you need another source, remember that just because they live in a palace doesn’t mean they don’t have a nosey neighbour who’s wiling to spill the royal-tea.
OMG what’s that? I think I just heard from a source that Kate Middleton almost got hit by a falling tree.
How do I know? My boss told me it came to them in a dream.
6. What about the Archbishop of Canterbury? What does he think?
Remember when Queen Elizabeth II died, and there was four months of news headlines with stories that shared the perspective of people who had increasingly distant relationships to the Queen? E.G. That person who also had corgis, just like Her Majesty.
Well, come one, come all, here’s what the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby has to say about the whole world sharing Kate conspiracies.
Thank you Justin for telling me it is unhealthy to feed on a media frenzy. I only saw this article because you felt the need to talk about her.
Guess you and I are as bad as each other now, mate.
7. Kate’s Easter plans.
Shout out to this one from The Cut for not messing around and getting straight to business.
Want to know what Kate Middleton’s Easter plans are? This headline says you should wonder no more.
Only problem with the article is that it doesn’t actually say what her plans are.
10/10 for direct approach. 0/10 for execution.
8. Kate and William’s “hidden message”.
If the folk at news.com know anything, it’s hidden messages. Or at least, how to find hidden messages in things that don’t have them.
Which is why, thank your lucky stars, they got a PR expert in to reveal what the hidden message was in the filmed footage of Kate and William at a farm shop.
Describing the stunt as a “masterclass in crisis communications”, apparently the hidden message was… that Kate is not dead.
Way to spot what was hidden in plain sight news.com. Just amazing work.
(Did you spot the hidden message there? Hint: it was sarcasm.)
9. Blake Lively and Kim Kardashian’s backlash.
What do you do when your Kate Middleton headline needs more clicks because her name isn’t enough?
You double down and throw in another celeb! Blake Lively, get over here!
And if that fails, throw in a third! Any Kardashian ought to do it.
Sprinkle in some spice about “backlash” for “comments”, and you’ve got yourself a viral story.
Ahhh yes, the backlash to the backlash to the thing that’s just begun. That funny feeling truly never left.
10. Proof Kate and William have “lost it”.
There’s nothing juicier than “proof” when it comes to Royal news. If you can find truly empirical fact that the couple who will one day be King and Queen have “lost it” then that’s a juicy take, worthy of a headline.
Lucky for you, the word “proof” actually means your own personal opinion.
11. I relate to Kate.
This one is an absolute favourite of mine. It’s a genuinely well done piece about relating to the traumas that come from being a public figure and having your health and wellbeing become a figure of public speculation.
However the “I know what she needs” absolutely sends me. And for that, it is included on this list of Kate Middleton headlines.
12. Piers Morgan’s crucial two cents.
There truly is no more trustworthy or intellectual commentator on the royals than shock-jock Piers Morgan — AKA the guy who got rejected by Meghan Markle and never got over it, so launched a media witch-hunt against her.
Let’s see what good old Piers has to say about Kate Middleton’s health, because we love it when he shares what he thinks about women.
Ahhh yes, “too healthy”. Thanks for that one, champ.
Not like you would have said something absolutely vile about her if she dared appear in public and looked too unhealthy.
13. Stanning the alleged mistress.
Rose Hanbury went public to deny rumours that Kate’s disappearance was because she had an affair with Prince William.
These rumours went from local hush hush secret to global speculation after comedian Stephen Colbert made jokes about the saucy allegations on his late night talk show.
A few days later, we get ourselves some Rose Stan-bury’s amongst the typical Kate Middleton headlines.
Love a hot take, especially if it’s siding with the person who was essentially just thrown into worldwide media spotlight because of an unsourced accusation.
14. Diana’s former butler shares his thoughts.
If you want to know what’s happened to Kate Middleton, you need to go straight to the source.
And that source is the former butler of the deceased princess who is the mother of the husband of the person in question.
Which is exactly what Melbourne radio station Fox 101.9 did.
As much as I want to criticise the obvious grasping at straws, it’s far from the worst instance of an Australian radio station has called up a royal correspondent.
15. What does Kate HERSELF actually think?
Okay, no more joking around about having distant sources, this one is real.
The team at ET wanted to find out directly from Kate and William how they feel about the quagmire of memes and conspiracies they are deep in at the moment.
Which meant they booked an EXCLUSIVE interview with none other than Kate and William…
… ‘s royal expert.
… Who spoke to another unnamed “sources”.
WHAT AN EXCLUSIVE!!!
Fun fact about royal experts: they are glorified mouthpieces for the Palace, and can only say what they have been instructed to say.
All in all, congratulations to the Palace. This was only 16 of the nine billion Kate Middleton headlines I could find.
You’ve successfully distracted the entire world from whatever important thing is actually happening, and made us talk about this privileged rich family once gain.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go off to a source of information I can actually trust:
Facebook and TikTok.
[Image Credit: Getty/Vanity Fair/Page Six.]
