Through choice, faith, or sheer circumstance, stacks of Australians will sail into the new year while avoiding Christmas festivities almost entirely. I’m one of them. I’m just not invested in it, nor have I ever been: my childhood featured no tinselled trees, no gifts exchanged in honour of the young Messiah, and my status as a six-year-old Santa truther was shockingly unpopular at school.
I don’t feel particularly left out of secular Christmas traditions. You can’t miss what you never had, I guess. That said, I’ve developed a few strategies over the years to patch over the hole that is December 25, and I may as well share them with you.
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Volunteering
Growing up, Christmas meant two things to me: church services and can drives. Organised religion left me cold, and my skepticism towards the existence of Mr. Claus translated pretty well to other supernatural beings, but my family’s church also happened to be heavily involved in community outreach. Sourcing donations, packing hampers, and distributing them to those in need was very fulfilling for young me. It was the closest my family got to a Christmas tradition, now that I think about it.
While there are definitely opportunities to volunteer on the 25th, a lot of the work kicks off in early and mid-December. While The Smith Family has just wrapped up its Toy & Book Appeal, which delivers good gear to kid nationwide, you could check in with The St Vincent de Paul Society, Foodbank, and Uniting, who have varying needs across the country.
It’s worth noting that many well-known charities actually have a stack of help over Christmas Day itself, and Melbourne’s Sacred Heart Mission actually makes a point of asking for help around Christmas. You should definitely give your local charity or outreach organisation a buzz though, just to make sure.
I am jumping ahead of myself here, but you could also consider shaking down your mates for funds to donate to the Country / Rural Fire Service, or your nearest emergency services branch. If you’re in NSW, perhaps the easiest way to do it is to throw some cash here:
NSW Rural Fire Service
Bank: Westpac
BSB: 032-001
Account No: 171051
They’ll appreciate any financial support they can get, considering the fact one of the most flammable nations on Earth largely relies on a volunteer firefighting force.
Another nice thing to do would be to check in with your local aged care home to see if there are any residents who’d benefit from a friendly chat on Christmas Day. Speak a dialect other than plain old English? Even better: you could enjoy a spiritually fulfilling afternoon with someone who doesn’t often get the chance to shoot the shit in their first language. Check out Volunteering Australia if that’s your bag.
“Friendsmas”
If you’re like me, you left your hometown (a small South Australian outpost called Adelaide) and kicked off your adult life elsewhere (in this case, Melbourne) with few contacts to keep you grounded. The upside to this situation is the likelihood you occupy a sharehouse with similarly listless, rootless heathens. If distance, expenses, or some kind of ancient curse also keeps them from seeing their family for Christmas, you may as well throw a “Friendsmas” lunch. Buy a slab, consult your Facebook rolodex, and corral as many mutuals as possible to an agreed location. What’s the worst that could happen: alcohol-fuelled longing for those nearest and dearest to you, while surrounded by people you simply don’t know quite as well? Come on, now. Put on the Christmas hat and get really worked up over card games or the conspiracy section of Netflix. It’s better than it sounds.
Similarly, if you are visiting Australia from abroad, it’s a good idea to scope out Facebook groups to see if your compatriots are planning any big public get-together nearby. Teeing up with folks who get it is always a pretty decent time.
Literally nothing
If you are even more unmoored from sentimentality than I am, and if you happen to have the day off, take the opportunity to do fucking nothing. Christmas Day is one of the only times all year in which simply saying “yeah, sorry, I have plans!” is a believable cover for laying naked and staring straight through the ceiling. Perhaps you could practice your astral projection, or teach yourself how to lucid dream. Wistfully gaze out the window, tune in to the faint warble of Paul Kelly a few doors down, and contemplate your mortality. The world – which can be as small or as big as you wish it to be – is entirely yours, baby.
Start your own religion
There’s nothing keeping you from declaring December 25 a holy day in your own religion, the rituals and customs of which you can decide as you go along. Perhaps December 25 coincides with some heretofore ignored astronomical event, the observance of which requires your full attention between the hours of 6am and 9pm – or as long as it takes for everyone else to knocked unconscious by a heady mixture of eggnog, cheap sparkling, and as many shellfish as the human body can endure. The different strands of Christianity are basically all different riffs on the same source material anyway, so there’s precious little keeping you from schisming your way into a brand new theology. Cheers!
Work
I mean, that’s what I’m doing.
See you on the 25th, you grubs.
Oh, one more thing: if you’re sour at me for my anti-Christmas views, you’re going to love my take on Easter.
