A British ghost has been scaring walkers by telling them to “fuck off” and I have to confess: it’s me. I’m the ghost. This is all I want from the afterlife.

None of that Conjuring shit, thank you! I have no interest in being an ooky spooky poltergeist. But if death is anywhere near as annoying as life, you best believe I’ll be spending it swearing at people who irritate me.

The story of the ghost comes from Somerset in England’s South West. England is already the spookiest country on earth (I mean, look at the Royal Family) so why am I not surprised?

Just imagine it: you’re on a lovely, moonlit stroll through the rolling English hills, when out of nowhere someone yells “fuck off” at you. I’m obsessed, truly.

According to the Daily Mail, a “woman in white” has been spooking walkers at a spot called Dead Woman’s Ditch. Guys, c’mon, the clue is literally in the name. Let her vibe in her ditch.

Sadly (but honestly, not surprisingly), the ditch is named after a woman called Jane Walford who was murdered by her husband in 1789.

See, this is why I’m team ghost. I would like a feminist retelling of this story where the woman in white takes vengeance on terrible men, a bit like Rosalie in Twilight but with more swearing. I will be casting Kristen Stewart, famous communicator with ghosts, in the lead role.

Apparently, the swearing spectre was first spotted a couple of years ago. Then she took a brief vacation, perhaps to go travelling or haunt a gorgeous five-star resort. That’s 100% what I would do if I was a ghost. Why haunt a gross old spooky house when you could haunt a Las Vegas hotel and spend your afterlife watching drag queens and burlesque performers?

According to local publication Somerset Live, ghost-hunting husband and wife duo Christine and Dave Thomas first started investigating the potty-mouthed apparition back in 2020.

I’m absolutely obsessed with the concept of a ghosthunting couple. This is the pinnacle of romance and you can’t convince me otherwise. Move over Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy.

They are clearly the main characters, we can all just stop trying.

Christine told Somerset Live that the “nasty, evil spirits” told her to “fuck off”. Maybe they’re telling you to fuck off because you called them evil and nasty? Ghosts deserve respect too.

While some locals reckon the fuck off ghost is legit, others have questioned it. One local told the Daily Mail it’s “probably just a Bluetooth speaker hidden in the bushes”. Now where’s your sense of whimsy?

That being said, I can see The Inbetweeners parking a UE Boom in a ditch and getting it to tell people to fuck off. Whether it’s a proper spooky ghost or just some pranking teens I have one thing to say: icon behaviour.