We’re back for week two of Farmer Wants A Wife and hoo boy, now we’re talking. After two episode of a relatively drama-free show, the producers have really turned it up a couple of thousand notches tonight.

Before we start, you might want to refresh yourself on the names and faces of contestants because I’m warning you, shit is quite literally about to hit the fan. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

We kick off with Farmer Harry getting cozy with Stacey on the couch while the other girls are sleeping, where he makes a sneaky booty grab. *cue Finding Nemo “he touched the butt” reference*

The calm before the storm.

Over on Neil’s  farm, they have a literal mudfight, where he refers to the girls as a “threesome”, which instantly gives me the heebie jeebies.

But despite the fact that they’re on a dating show and absolutely knew what they were signing up for, Megan gets upset that Neil is flirting with the other girls. ??? Do you understand what show you signed up for?!

Further south in Tasmania, Nick is getting the girls to chuck fertiliser over his crops.

It prompts Naomi to clarify that despite being on Farmer Wants A Wife, she has precisely zero plans to do any of the usual farmer wife duties, but she also lets us know that she’s got a cute pair of Stella McCartney overalls and honestly, good on you girl.

I’m just here for the wine.

Meanwhile, all this fertiliser talk has reminded Liz that she’s here for one thing and one thing only: babies.

She pulls Nick aside and absolutely grills him on whether or not he wants kids. At this point, I’m unsure if she wants a husband or just a sperm donor.

I am once again asking for you to put a baby in me.

Nick then tells her that he wouldn’t mind giving his “sperm” (his words, not mine) to the right woman. And with that, I vomit in my mouth.

But none of this even compares to the absolute dumpster fire that is Farmer Harry’s situation right now.

Harry’s initial frontrunner Madison pulls him aside to announce that she’s leaving. Yep, she just straight-up yeets herself out of the farm.

She cries a little, and maybe talks about her last break-up more than I care to here. But honestly, I’ve gotta give it to her for being emotionally mature enough to realise she’s not ready. I’m sad that she’s out of the show but proud of her for making the decision herself. We stan (and also cry).

Me crying when they put guac in my burrito even though I specifically asked for NO GUAC!

She tells the other sister wives that she’s decided to leave, they all pretend to care while secretly being stoked that their biggest threat has yeeted herself out of the race for Harry’s heart.

no, wait, come back

Meanwhile in Innisfail, Farmer Sam seems to be recreating a scene from the iconic 2003 film Holes, only without our boy Shia LaBeouf (sadly).

Shia LaBeouf, where you at?

Nothing else happens for Farmer Sam because, well, we simply don’t care for his storyline that much.

Meanwhile, Farmer Alex takes the girls for a swim down by the river, where he reveals himself as a budgie smuggling bandit.

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Tony Abbott, that you?

He has a sweet moment with Henrietta (my favourite), only to ruin it by putting his foot in his mouth by saying she’s not his type because she’s not blonde?! Dude, you called yourself a “love virgin”, you don’t have a type.

But he tries to backtrack by saying, and I quote, “looks aren’t everything.”

Somebody needs to take this man to A&E to surgically remove his foot from his mouth.

*regrets going to the middle of bumfuck nowhere for a guy who says she’s not his “type”*

Ughhh, now we go back to Sam’s house in Innisfail. I’ll give you one guess what they’re doing. Go on, take a wild stab in the dark.

Yep. They’re making pasta.

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you’re right mum, maybe i should just marry nonna.

They’re making pasta with his mum. But not *just* his mum, Nonna is there too. It’s a whole bloody family reunion. I hate it here.

In a truly unexpected move, he asks his mum who is the best at making pasta. She says Nonna, of course, and honestly at this point I reckon he should just quit and stick to making pasta with Nonna forever.

Finally, it’s time for the other farmers to head to Innisfail for the dinner party. The girls head straight to the pub (ahh, remember the pub?) while the guys go back to Sam’s house for a bit of a chinwag. He greets them by saying “bonjourno”, you know, in case we forgot that he’s Italian.

The girls are quick to spill the tea on Madison, namely, Ashleigh, who gets straight to the ~drama~ before she’s even had a chance to get a drink.

hoo boy, do I have a story for you.

Fast forward a moment until the farmers (and Nat) arrive, and we’re struck by the biggest bombshell of the whole season: Madison (yes, that one) has had a change of heart and wants to come back and give it another shot.

if you’re fucked and you know it, chug your beer

Ash says “good riddance, we’re done” as if she’s somehow been wronged by the man who is simultaneously dating four women. Stacey is CRYING!! She says she’s got such a special connection with Harry and honestly, if your connection is so strong, Madison returning won’t impact it.

Hoo boy, there’s a *lot* of insecurity up in here.

Harry is quickly whisked away to talk to her and decide if he wants to give her another chance. As you’d expect, her fellow sister wives are NOT happy.

He walks in to find Madison, who has that “oopsie, I fucked up look” we’ve all given when we accidentally put diesel in our unleaded cars.

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I bet you’d thought you’d seen the last of me.

They talk it out, she has this *super* mature moment where shr admits she didn’t let her walls down and ultimately regrets it. He says he’s not sure he can let her back in.

At this point, I’ll throw hands if he doesn’t give her a second chance after she’s had the maturity to admit she made a mistake and walked back in here to try to make amends. I’m warning you Harry, do not break her heart.

Harry walks back in alone, my heart drops. He didn’t, did he?

But then, the camera pans out and Madison walks in. The other contestants literally cannot hide their shock.

what the fuuuuuuuck

There’s a whole heap of emotion, but then we have Ashleigh AND Stacey storm out in an absolute dummy-spit. I hate it. It’s *so* rude.

me when they fuck up my dinner order.

Poor Karlana is just awkwardly sitting at the table alone. Honestly, props to her for being an adult about it. She clearly isn’t stoked about Madison coming back, but ultimately, do you *really* want to win knowing you’re still second best to Madison? I sure as fuck don’t.

“We can’t ALL walk out,” she jokes.

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when ur friends go to the toilet together but somebody has to mind the table

Obviously, Harry has to go out and do damage control. At this point I bet he’s glad he’s a sheep farmer because he’s literally out here wrangling his future-wives back into the dinner party like a herd of sheep.

Ash tells Harry that he “clearly likes” Madison and uhhh… duh? That’s why he invited her on the show? But he *also* invited you, so maybe if you stop freaking out about the other girl you could win his heart with your own personality.

She then says she’s “too old for this shit,” and good lord, there is *so much* fragility in this show. I simply do not understand why you’d put yourself through the absolute shit show that is reality dating shows if you’re not confident in yourself. That is a recipe for disaster and we’ve seen these fights play out on TV enough times now to know that.

I’m too old for this shit, but I’m also not leaving

Despite having the biggest dummy-spit of all time, she doesn’t decide to leave.

Meanwhile, Alex is inside defending his “not my type” comment to Henrietta, giving the ultimate backtrack by saying that he meant she was too good for him. Good save, my dude, good save.

After putting out one fire, Harry goes to talk to Stacey, who is concurrently having a breakdown.
Honestly, she’s so attractive and he very clearly likes her, I have zero idea why she’s so insecure about Madison. If these girls stopped being rude to her, they could easily win Harry’s heart too.

He literally begs her not to run away from him. Its super dramatic.

for fucks sake, i *just* wrangled the other girl in.

Inside, Marnie tells Nick and the girls that she was conceived in the back of a pickup truck and honestly, it’s a smidge TMI.

But FINALLY, Harry and the girls all come back. They’re SUUUUPER distant to Madison and it all unfolds in a little bit of a fight. Madison says they’re all being a bit childish but they sure as fuck don’t think so. At this point, I reckon Madison should get a lock on her bedroom door because they look like they’re about to rip her limb-from-limb.

Madison says that “it’s not like [she’s] replacing anyone,” and honestly, she’s not wrong.

cool your jets, bitch.

I AM SCREAMING! ISN’T THIS MEAN’T TO BE THE NON-DRAMATIC REALITY SHOW?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!

But although Harry’s drama is cooling off, Alex’s shitstorm is just beginning because Karlana (Harry’s unproblematic queen) tells Jess that Henrietta kissed Alex. I know, it sounds like a game of Chinese whispers.

Jess immediately says she doesn’t care, then bawls her fucking eyes out and tells Alex that she’s “not going to fight for [him].” Uhh, sorry Jess but it sounds like you’re a wee bit upset.

I’M FINE!!!!

So far, we’ve learned that at least half of these girls don’t understand the premise of a reality TV dating show. But alas, here they are, on a reality dating show. *sighs*

FINALLY it’s time for the farmers to pick their solo dates.

Alex obviously chooses Henrietta, Nick chooses Emma (who has had very little airtime but seems confident and unproblematic), Neil chooses Karissa despite promising Megan that he’d give her more time, Sam chooses Emily and Harry chooses Stacey in what I can only assume is damage control.

HOOOOO BOY, that was a lot to unpack.

As it currently stands, my predictions are:

Harry: Madison.

Alex: I’m rooting for Henrietta but I still think Jess will win.

Sam: ??? If he stops inviting his mum on dates, maybe I’ll care enough to make a prediction.

Neil: Justine, she’s had next-to-no airtime but I just have a hunch.

Nick: Sorry Marnie, but I think I’m rooting for Emma now.

If you’re confused as all hell after this wild episode, you can refresh yourself on the contestants (and where to find them) here.

Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.