Of all the absurd hills I’ve gladly chosen to die on, this one might be the most truly ridiculous yet. But I firmly believe in my heart of hearts that Chelsea Peretti, she of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and everything else under the sun, has unveiled herself to be a global outlaw who brazenly thumbs her nose in the face of all known Gods thanks specifically to her beyond-bonkers views regarding the eating of cake.
Don’t believe me? Observe the following evidence.
Over the weekend Peretti, in idle fashion as many do, posted a shot of how she consumes the dessert treat on Instagram.
Immediately: Alarm bells.
“Not that into frosting” what kind of murderous loose unit is “not that into frosting.” What kind of insane statement is that. What kind of unhinged, bloodthirsty, spine-bending series of words is that. Enjoying cake but despising icing is like accepting a sausage in bread fresh off the barbecue but declining a squirt of sauce. The two are a package deal; you should not get to pick and choose.
More to that, the complete stripping of the cake flesh from the icing skeleton is perverse; it’s like a butcher frenching a rack of lamb except I hate it.
Unsurprisingly, such an admission of absurd wrongdoing split reaction cleanly down the middle between those who will be shown to be on the right side of history condemning it, and those rogue supporters who are all now clearly on some sort of Government list.
Honestly, eating cake like this should be illegal https://t.co/KWszaN1H3c— Lucas (@TheLukinator55) September 16, 2018
The people on here agreeing with this nonsense: JUST DONT EAT CAKE! Have a muffin! Leave the cake to actual cake lovers! pic.twitter.com/Qq1OiyIeDh— Jason Chadney (@jason_chadney) September 15, 2018
This person doesn’t like cake. They like bread.— Colleen White (@ColleenW1230) September 15, 2018
Thank you. I hate frosting and we need representation and positive role models!!!— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) September 15, 2018
Thank you for speaking up on this issue. It has been neglected for too long. https://t.co/BQ312hDzGX— Belinda ???? (@_boolinda_) September 16, 2018
Is there such a thing as a good take? Bc this qualifies as such https://t.co/4MpdLjzB7R— Kaleena (@KaleenaRivera) September 16, 2018
Me too. The frosting is totally gross. I'm only there for the cakey bits— Alice Evans (@AliceEvansGruff) September 15, 2018
Frankly, I’m rattled to the core about this. Without frosting, cake becomes dry crumbs held together by the sheer forces of evil.
To deny icing is to deny yourself a little more. It is the blessed Cakeman giving you a bit extra.
Is this perhaps a shade too pointless an issue to waste time and energy on? Perhaps. But consider this: Cake is the only thing that matters. So really, covering this is the only right thing to do.