Hello friends. it’s Bachelorette time! You get to go on this adventure with your friend Hannah! (Mel is on holiday and Josie needs a break – maybe she’ll make a guest appearance later). I am so sorry. It’s okay though, because today we have asides from my flatmate, Fitzy, he loves Bachie.

Alright, let’s wade into this together and try not to fall asleep because 18 men emerge from limos one at a time and that shit takes time.

We get to look back five years ago to Ali Oetjen‘s romance/heartbreak with the OG Bachelor Tim Robards where she spoke German and did tricks, before saying “I’m really falling in love with you and everything about you.” No Paradise footage.

The preview of the season is all shirtless dudes and chariots and boxing and paddleboarding, and Ali will never give up on finding true love. She tells Osher she found everlasting love and then she cries a lot in a purple gown and does this mean the holiday finale is going to be real spicy???? I hope so.

Anyway, our narrator Osher is very handsome in his suit. And she’s all gorgeous in the matching red dress and red shoes. He loves love, y’know?

Hot bloke after hot bloke comes out, Ali’s “hormones [are] firing“, and look I can only speak for myself but I see one hot bloke and I get the sweats. Swing your sloppy seconds my way, Ali.

First limo, OMG. Who’s it gonna be? It’s Charlie, the guy who’s meant to win! Stop saying ‘amazing’, Charlie. He literally made her a journal and wrote something in the first page. I groaned out loud.

My flatmate: He’s like the kid at school who was always asked to read aloud, but had a stutter and struggled, and the whole class felt real bad for him. He’s worked on his reading since then.

Ali said “That’s really thoughtful,” but I don’t know if I believe her.

I hope this is a Jarrod pot plant pissing saga 2.0, but with journal vandalism.

Robert is wearing a very bright suit and Ali calls him a “stallion“. I’m sick of the presents already, but this man with a lilt, has brought her his family’s homemade tomato pasta sauce.

Fitzy would like to date Rob because he likes cooking too. Fitz is a straight male. Ali meeting his Italian fam would make good telly.

They’re going to make sausages together which is the weirdest innuendo I have ever heard.

She pops the pasta sauce and asks if she can feed him some and no, please don’t do that, Ali. Now she has to finish the pasta sauce she’s put her hands in within three days.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Already We Have A Tense Rivalry, A Dance Crew & A Daddy

Feed me, mummy. 

Ivan has the music of a villain. He is a tall man who dances. His present is a private dance lesson, presumably with the hope she will keep her around to use it. Collective cringe at the suited hip hop dancing, and then he leaves very quickly.

Nathan calls her a “fuckin’ banging chick“, and I am now calling him Buff Zac Efron. He definitely seems like a jerk, and turns up with Jitters the giant teddy.

Fitzy: *yawn* He’s not even worth writing about as the ‘douchebag’ character.

He admits he likes to party. He is definitely just here to hang out with the BOYZZZZZ and get on the piss, and Ali knows it.

The man-wifey music is on for Bill. He has a disconcertingly young face for a 31-year-old. Ali fancies him immediately because of his looks and also his smell. Ten sets up Bill’s confession as a trans reveal, and it’s just that his real name is David. That’s no good. No gift??? He seems sweet and cute because he’s nervous.

Dude on segway is definitely an arse. It’s Jules!  Fitzy doesn’t like his moustache.

Channel Ten are speeding this up to get rid of the numbers, here’s Daniel, here’s long-haired Wes, here’s Brendan and his perfect hair. Here’s Danny, here’s the kilted Cheyne, here’s kangaroo scrotum pouch Ben. Now we’ve got Taite and he’s dapper. Look, old man Damien picks her up and tries to take her to his limo? That’s gross, don’t do that Damien.

“They’re all so tall and handsome.”

The intense dance music for Paddy gets an “Oh Jesus” from Fitzy. Soccer skills are not what I want to see rn, but if he could keep fucking it up that’d be great. Does he interrupt her mid-sentence to talk about his gym and read her a poem? Make it stop. He is one of those people who spent two weeks in the UK and puts on an English accent. Everyone who calls her “fit” straight away needs to be kicked out immediately.

Bros meeting bros now. Paddy is “flying” (is he on MDMA?) and wants to stir shit, lying about kissing her. He’s yuck. Go away now. The dudes are not interested. Nathan hates him the most but I think they’re the same person?

OMG, Todd can’t get into and out of the limo easily because he’s in a suit of armour and it’s probably plastic from that sound of him scooching to let the others into the limo. It’s meant to be a gag moment and tbh he’s handsome and I hate that’s my first thought.

Dan gets to meet Ali first though with his lamb. He seems nice and asks Ali to feed the lamb. He wants babies.

I am laughing out loud at the limo cutaways, why isn’t Todd saying anything? It’s not that funny but I need award light relief, especially when his shoulder comes off.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Already We Have A Tense Rivalry, A Dance Crew & A Daddy

We are the knights of Ali.

Pete is already too confident and do we need another jerk who just comments on her body/”nice arse“? We don’t. I know we need the cunts for good telly but puh-lease.

Todd finally gets to approach. Is he nuddy under there? Sadly no.

Our first “Holy moly guacamole” of the season! She wasn’t expecting Todd.

Fitzy says he looks like the bloke from Shrek. Fitzy is bringing the good content.

I love dad jokes, this guy wont win but I’d like to win him. He’s being a bit of a suck and I can’t tell if the full heartbreak disclosure is sincere or not.

Todd’s immediately got a beer, but he’s struggling to sit in his suit. Paddy remains a prick.

They’re all saying they fancy her and think she’s beautiful but Paddy goes too far and it’s gross. There is too much testosterone here.

We get Osher back! He introduces himself to everyone. Already they love their best mate Osher, they’re so excited to meet him, and it’s actually very sweet. There’s a lot to like about that.

WHAT DOES THE PINK ROSE MEAN? The wild rose a la Kylie Minogue/Nick Cave, a one-time wild card play that allows you to swap himself into a single date someone else has been invited to. It’s MAD. I love this dangerous date-stealing power.

There goes the bro code.” Gosh within a day we got the word “bro code” in.

Alright, cocktail party o’clock. Sappy speech from Ali.

When it’s time for one-on-one chats, she’s already wearing Robert’s jacket for warmth. Bill and Taite go for the cut-in, Bill gets rebuffed and Taite swoops.

It’s a competition for chats. Charlie to Damien. Todd to Pete. Paddy to Wes. Daniel to Nathan. Brendan to Ivan. “Like a pack of wolves, mate.”

This is less a masculine-fuelled contest and more like a kindergarten class, all the kids going “MISS, MISS, MISS.”

Pete tells Paddy that Nathan doesn’t like him, mainly because he wants to see two identical dudes go at each other. We immediately get a confrontation and old man Damien is intervening. Nathan pushed him back for no clear reason and Damien takes Paddy away before an all-out brawl kicks off.

Jules has a Vanns band tattoo on his arse – the band he tours with – and shows her.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Already We Have A Tense Rivalry, A Dance Crew & A Daddy

I don’t regret the butt screengrab.

Ali already has a wee crush on Bill, and she’s right to feel that way, he seems lovely and handsome. The jacket thing is so gentlemanly and lovely every time.

The dudes really don’t like Paddy. He is the season’s rude-arse villain. Damien, the season’s dad, is going to tell him off about the way he talks about Ali being disrespectful.

Ivan starts to dance and starts a dance crew with Bill and Rob. They make a dance routine for Ali. The rest of the mansion is embarrassed for them because there’s no music and the other two did not get enough time to learn the moves.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Already We Have A Tense Rivalry, A Dance Crew & A Daddy

The set-up for a new Magic Mike.

A nice little moment with Charlie now – who is both nervous and confident. It’s actually a really nice chat and the winner’s music is playing and yeah, we’ve got a clear frontrunner here. Cheeky hand on knee, that’s nice.

Wild rose chat, Paddy will never get it, surely Ali knows he’s a jag-off. Charlie and Bill are very likely candidates. A lot of dudes watch her walk past them with it. It goes to Bill! He’s a good communicator! Quick peck. And wow, that’s very soon.

Fitzy: “Fuck Dave/Bill, whatever the hell his name is.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Already We Have A Tense Rivalry, A Dance Crew & A Daddy

Is it too early for a pash?

Fitzy likes Rob, Daddy (Damian) and Charlie. And Ivan the tall guy is a loveable goof.

Two are being ousted at this rose ceremony! Bill’s pink one counts as a rose. Bye Brendan and Ben, we hardly knew ye.

There is no good reason for Paddy and Natha     n to still be on here except producer interference. That is my strong opinion. I cannot wait for them to leave. Their shit isn’t even good spicy relief, it’s just shitty. Nathan stands next to Paddy and Nathan whispers ” Poor woman.” Paddy: “Because you’re a joke.”

UNTIL TOMORROW, LOVEBIRDS.

Image: Network Ten