I know, I know, a bunch of people have already come out and said they don’t want to watch all the biffos and back-patting that are sure to make up this year’s Ali Oetjen season of The Bachelorette.
Honestly, I mostly feel bad for Oetjen at this point: following up Sophie Monk‘s standout season would be toughhhhh. That lady’s an Australian icon, while Oetjen is just a lady who has had pretty bad luck so far on Bachie-related dating shows. But third time’s the charm! The last available charm!
Anyway, whether you want to watch it or not, that’s irrelevant: what we’re here to do today is to compile a list of your potential new thirst ‘Grams, if you’re into that. Here’s every dude with a shirtless pic, every one with a dog, all of it, it’s here on the internet for your perusal.
Let’s meet these fine, young gentlemen, arranged by state of origin, none of which are South Australia, Ali’s home. It’s already getting spicy, folks! Someone’s gotta relocate!
Here is doing a soccer jump thing:
And here he holds a babis who is not his babis (???):
This is Ivan, he is 29-year-old commercial painter from Victoria. He and my brother’s best mate have the same face and it’s unsettling. Anyway, he told Ten he wanted to try out his Dirty Dancing moves, and dude, gross. On Insty he also calls himself an actor and dancer.
Here he is dancing in LA to Cardi B:
And here’s what you actually clicked on this yarn for (abs):
Here is Robert, 29-year-old Victorian plumber who looks nice in a suit. He is waiting to meet “his Queen“. He owns property, which is either a good thing because that means he has his shit together, or a bad thing because Ali Oetjen doesn’t want to leave Adelaide.
Anyway, he’s shirtless here so…
Here’s a suit and tractor combo:
This is 28-year-old bank manager Taite from Victoria, who says he will “move for love“.
Taite loves a cold one:
And also getting his kit off:
Daniel, the first of three, is a 30-year-old personal trainer from Victoria.
A proud uncle:
And shirtless man with a dog:
Here’s Bill, a 31-year-old mechanical plumber from Victoria. He posts pictures of his festival life, his dog, his food and his books.
Look at him in his little suit:
Oh yes, that’s a hell of a festival shot:
This is the long-haired bloke Wesley, a self-described “shy” 31-year-old operator of heavy machinery from Queensland.
He wants you to know he plays guitar:
There’s also pics with kids and a motorcycle, but we settled on this one of him shirtless by the ocean:
Here is Damien, a 42-year-old retreat director from Queensland, filling out the older dude quota. He says he’s “single by choice” and wants a woman who is “into fitness“. He says on Insty that he’s a world record endurance athlete and adventurer, because apparently he paddleboarded 800 kilometres from the Gold Coast to Bondi in 2015, which fine, is very impressive. He also copped the cover spot on Men’s Health that same year.
He’s on a horse on the beach:
And here’s his sleek sleeve tat, wow:
This is Danny from Queensland, or Daniel #2 of 3, a 39-year-old chiropractic student and former cop.
He is a dad on Instagram, whether he has children or not. I like how it is mostly pictures of his fluffer while he pouts:
A classic fitness selfie here:
This is Pete, a 27-year-old commercial sales agent from Queensland. He doesn’t like “fast women” or “slow horses“, so he can fuck right off. But he does have this Instagram for his Newfoundland dog, Humphrey. He also demands an “active” woman.
Look, he’s shirtless with dogs:
Almost all of his pics are shirtless, but this one includes a mirror selfie. He really appreciates the power of the mirror selfie:
Here is Cheyne, a 28-year-old construction auditor from New South Wales, who will definitely talk about his Scottish heritage in episode one, because no one wears a kilt if they don’t want to talk about it. He is the other long-haired boy who apparently lived in NYC for a bit and appreciates the splendour of his local bowlo.
He is also a plant boi:
And he loves his dog. Strong contender:
Jules, a 24-year-old former infantry corporal from NSW, is too young to win The Bachelorette, but he has a fine moustache.
Here he is shirtless by the ocean:
And here he is guzzling Maltesers (#relatablecontent):
Say hello to Brendan, a 29-year-old events manager/aspiring actor from NSW. He is the first one to explicitly say he likes funny women.
Here are his headshots:
He did not get a job on Home and Away:
Finally, we found Charlie, the 31-year-old builder from NSW
He is significantly buffer than anyone could have suspected:
Surprise! He likes to surf:
Nathan is another dude from NSW, a 23-year-old carpenter I refuse to get invested in.
Gotta have a shirtless workout pic (!!!):
This is Ben, the joker with the kangaroo scrotum purse from the trailer. He is a 27-year-old air conditioning mechanic from the Northern Territory who doesn’t like the Kardashians.
This is how we know he is a member of the Sandgate Hawks Aussie rules team in Queensland:
Here he tries to drink tequila:
This is Dan, or Daniel nickname #3 of 3, a 32-year-old sports reporter from Western Australia, who has obviously returned to his neglected Instagram just for The Bachelorette.
He likes cricket/the Twenty20 Big Bash, which is objectively the worst form of cricket:
This is Todd, a WA sales rep, and the dude who turned up in a knight’s outfit.
He is one of those dudes who likes hipster barbers and having a laff:
Guys, he has a dog too, so he’s definitely a solid choice, Ali:
That’s it. Haven’t watched a second of the series yet (obvs) but can I just say Danny from Queensland and Pete are getting ousted first based on this round-up alone. Okay see you Wednesday.