One of the best parts about being born in Australia is having one thing in common with global superstar sensation and queer icon Kylie Ann Minogue.
Although I would argue (and have) that her sister Dannii Minogue’s song “This Is It” is the best thing to happen to music ever, Kylie’s discography is so chock-full of hits that it’s difficult to deny her legacy.
Kylie Minogue’s music really has a chokehold on so many people for so many different reasons — there’s something in that goldmine of a discography for everyone.
And so I wanted to let you know what your fave Kylie Minogue song says about you. This is the new astrology. Minostrology? Kylology? Danniitarius? It’s a work in progress.
Can’t Get You Out Of My Head
You love a safe choice. You love the classics. You go out on Fridays or Saturdays and stay in to relax on Sundays. Sometimes you get dinner with friends once a week. You order the burger with the fries. You go home at a reasonable time. You have sex once a week, missionary of course. Twice if you’re feeling “naughty” and looking to “spice things up”. Sometimes when this song comes on, you’re reminded of the you that could have been — lost to time like glitter in the wind.
In Your Eyes
You really love eye contact. In all situations. Stop staring at me!!!
The Loco-Motion
You have a ranking in your Notes app of all the train stations you’ve ever been to and definitely have your favourites. Whenever someone mentions Town Hall station in Sydney you get fired up. This is your chance to pipe up and give your fiery opinions!!! (It’s a terrible station, argue with the wall).
Love At First Sight
A real romantic, you are. You just love love — and I love that about you. Seriously, I love that you love love. It’s so lovely.
Get Outta My Way
You are capital G Gay (sorry if this is how you found out). You also have taste.
Spinning Around
Watch out binches on the dancefloor, here comes Miss Beyblade. Well, that’s what they call you when this song comes on. You have no idea how to dance but you sure as fuck know how to SPIN. Arms out, you’re out for destruction. Let it rip!
In My Arms
Dominatrix.
I Should Be So Lucky
When your crush calls you’re on your bed kicking your feet and spinning your hair in little circles. At night you listen to love songs and cuddle your pillow just dreaming of them. Hopefully one day you get to be with your crush. You should be so lucky.
All The Lovers
Orgy enthusiast.
Come Into My World
You know that Fever is Kylie’s best album and try to tell everyone whenever you can. It’s okay we can see you posting songs from the album all over your Insta. We’ve seen the pics of Fever on CD and Vinyl in your stories. Give it a break! We understand you have taste! Who are you proving yourself to? We’ve all come a bit too far into your world, my friend. Ease up!
Supernova
You’re lying, this is nobody’s favourite.
Dancing
Yeehaw! You were definitely born in SA, WA or the NT.
I Was Gonna Cancel
You’ve probably seen some dark times, and I applaud you for not cancelling all your plans and giving up. I also thank you for recognising how good this song is.
I Believe In You
God you are SO sexy.
On A Night Like This
You’ve seen one too many New Year’s Eve fireworks displays on TV where they always play this song. I mean, it’s a huge banger, but you already knew that, didn’t you? Once a year, you are at your strongest, like some wicked vampire. I fear you. On a night like this, people like you are out for blood.
Sexercise
I don’t know what’s scarier, the fact that you know this song or the fact that you like it above all others. Red flag.
Better The Devil You Know
Clear the dancefloor because those who understand how HARD this song goes WILL be dancing as hard as they can to it. “Better The Devil You Know” stans understand that Kylie Minogue put crack in this song, and that’s okay. For three minutes and 53 seconds, we become absolutely unapologetically feral. Deal with it.
Wow
You’re an extrovert, and you’re extroverted about it. You have boundless energy. If someone asked you to walk up the walls you’d sure as hell try, and more than once. Then you’d go home and practice in private for the next time somebody asks.
I Love It
Hello homosexuals, lovely to see you here.
Timebomb
A niche choice, but that says a lot about you right there, doesn’t it? You always like to take an unusual choice. You’re cool. You’re not like other girls. Look at you go, living life on the edge.
Slow
You have the best sex on the planet. You’re hot and you KNOW it.
Confide In Me
You also have the best sex on the planet. However, you’re hot and don’t know it. You have to embrace your HEAT.
The One
You’re an angel set upon the Earth to usher humanity to salvation. You are not real, but an ethereal deity with something to prove. This song reminds you of your home: heaven. It reminds you of your origins: a divine secret.
Your Disco Needs You
You miss the year 2000 so bad it hurts.
Red Blooded Woman
Sometimes you get a bit too wild on the dancefloor and it concerns everyone around you. Your friends want to dance with you, not get rocked around like a Himalayan pink salt shaker in an inner-city cafe.
No Favourite
You’re not cool, stop trying to be. Pick a damn song and stick with it. There are too many around for you to hate ALL of them.
Your Fave Isn’t Here
If your fave song isn’t here that means you’re a true fan of Kylie Minogue’s music. You have the brightest skin, sexiest bod and best taste in the game. You also give GREAT head, I don’t make the rules.
