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A lot of people have asked Melissa and I to trawl through years of Dolly Doctor submissions, and we can absolutely confirm that there are some fucking wild questions there.

Obviously this is the big one, folks. The Big Kahuna of dive ins that we’ve been doing. Bigger than shithouse fashions, bigger than frankly horrifying Spill A Secret entries, and all the unknown blokes who featured in the Dolly Mag pages. So let’s rip the strip off the side of those sealed sections and get stuck into it.

COURTNEY: I have to admit, Dr Melissa Kang (who was the official Dolly Doctor in the mid-00s) was excellent with her guidance. Some of the questions sent in were really tough, and some shouldn’t have been published, but she seemed to approach all of them with this air of understanding and gentleness. We stan.

MELISSA: She was so sensitive! Like I’ve said in past Dolly pieces – it was 100% not all bad back then. So many of us got our sex/life education from those pages, so I’m glad at least Dolly Doctor was consistently giving out supportive advice.

COURT: There was also something so sacred about taking your Dolly Mag to your room as soon as you got home and tearing off the side of the secret section. Like it was the naughty part of the magazine, and I remember people fully ripping the perforated bit AT SCHOOL which was like, a huge move.

MEL: I definitely got a lot of advice from Dolly Doctor, but I also remembered the questions being total chaos. Like I knew going into this re-visit, we’d be finding some alarming stuff.

COURT: Some of them are just so blissfully naive I just want to swaddle these precious little clueless babies and put them in my pocket. Like this one who’s clearly learning what it’s like to be horny for the first time.

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COURT: Nervous feelings! Hot vagina! You’re just on the horn, sweetheart!

MEL: Omg, Ally you angel. Wait until you have sex, then you’ll really know the meaning of “wet and gross”. Sorry, but it’s true.

COURT: The rest of your life will be wet and gross, sorry.

MEL: Speaking of learning about vaginas, how’s this thigh-clenching moment.

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COURT: Oh boy. There’s just…so much to unpack here. Ellie, did you trim your nails? That’s my first question. Secondly, you do not need a pap smear if you have a mazz. Truly if we had to have a pap after every mazz, I’d be pouring all my money into doctors visits.

MEL: The term “ripped myself” when discussing vaginas makes me want to lie on the floor and cry.

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COURT: This has ruined me. God, I truly hope that Annie from QLD absolutely did not listen to her friends.

MEL: SQUEEZING! GENTLY TOUCHING! I mean they’re not entirely wrong, but I can also see this going so, so badly.

COURT: Squeeze the dick and also the balls. Just give ’em a good squeeze, like you’re trying to find a ripe avocado.

MEL: Squeeze them really, really hard until you hear a pop.

COURT: GOD.

MEL: That’s when you know you did it good. Alternatively, lightly brush it with your fingertips like it’s a baby rabbit.

COURT: And that, my dear friend, is how you give a guy a handy.

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MEL: This one is so funny to me, because how many teen girls had crushes on their friend’s brother. All of us.

COURT: Hahahaha God that’s a doozy.

MEL: You just know Beejay ended up pashing the brother and ruining the friendship, because as much as we were always saying “hos over bros”, One Tree Hill style, we were really bros over hos at all times.

COURT: 100%.

MEL: Also, if we’re divulging – how often did you go to a friend’s house because they had a hot brother you were hoping to seduce in your Kmart cat pyjamas. I’d always pick my BEST pyjamas, by which I mean the ones with the sausage dogs all over them.

COURT: I genuinely can’t think. Not even like, my brother’s friends because they were also my friends? South Coast didn’t give me much, I’ll tell you that for free.

Back on periods for one (1) minute, do you want to see the entirety of Dolly Doctor summed up in one picture

MEL: A. HUNDRED. PERCENT.

COURT: Did…this person put their tampon up their butt? What other hole IS THERE?

MEL: I hope so, because the only other option is the urethra and that is too much for my mind this morning.

COURT: Physically impossible.

MEL: Here’s one where I was like, hoooo boy I have some THOUGHTS.

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COURT: First of all, that bitch. Hahahaha. This has stumped me entirely. What if her sister pretended to be her! What if he comes up to her, thinking she’s her sister???

MEL: Imagine having a twin in high school – competition enough – then having her kiss your ultimate crush? She knew what she was doing.

COURT: Like, SURELY she would have known, right? Ultimate dog move. But also, teenagers are horrible at the best of times. So I’m honestly not surprised. Ultimate payback would be to pretend to be her and just be really cold to him so he loses interest.

MEL: Omg, I hope that happened. Imagine all the evil shit you could do if you were an identical twin.

COURT: I’d just act out The Parent Trap scene for scene.

COURT: Ok so I know it’s early and we’ve only had one coffee so far today, but here’s one that has thrown me. If I had to read this, then you all do too. I’m so sorry.

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COURT: NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

MEL: Oh. My. God.

COURT: It’s bad no matter what way you look at it. It’s sex with a minor AND incest. A side note though, I wonder how many people learned what ‘Anonymous’ meant simply from reading Dolly Dr.

MEL: This is definitely one of those “how did they publish this” moments. Oh my god, I always thought “Anon” was a person. Weirdly I understood that Anonymous was not, so how my brain didn’t connect them, I have no idea.

COURT: Omg ANOTHER ONE. WHAT IS HAPPENING???

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MEL: How did your magazines have so much incest? Wait, are cousins incest? I think it’s more frowned upon but legally ok? I don’t know.

COURT: These were both published in 2005. What on earth was happening between May and July in 2005 I swear to God.

MEL: A spike in incest, it seems.

COURT: This one isn’t even anonymous. I hope Kristie is alright.

MEL: This is a great example though of how Dr Melissa and counsellor Louise Remond was always so gentle in their responses, because I’d be like “WHAT THE FUCK, KRISTIE! STAY AWAY FROM THE COUSIN PEEN!”

COURT: hahahaha

MEL: Actually, cousin love made an appearance in mine too.

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COURT: Oh, bless.

MEL: I’m just thinking of my own boy cousin who used to hold my head under in the pool until I had to pretend to be dead, so.

COURT: Oh…Hahaha.

MEL: The concept of having a crush on your boy cousin is insane to me, but at the same time – like the Dolly Doctor said – it’s likely because poor “Worried” just hadn’t interacted with many boys yet, bless.

COURT: Yeah it’s like, you just have these older male figures in your life who you look up to, right? So maybe their feelings eventually developed out to like “I want to be with someone who has the same energy as this relative I was close with.” Like how there’s that saying of you end up “dating your father”. Which explains why I’m obsessed with a good moustache.

MEL: It’s cute, actually. Unless you have sex with them, then it’s very, very un-cute.

COURT: Crush = sweet and cute. Incest = not good, yucky.

MEL: Do you want some chaotic no condom energy?

COURT: Do you even have to ask?

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COURT: UHHH. UmMMMM. I feel like I’m that Larry David gif right now.

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MEL: Okay, so there were a LOT of questions centred around condom use. From boyfriends who “didn’t like them” or “couldn’t use them” (fuck off) to stuff like this. But this one was by far the most alarming because – wait – you GOT pregnant and realised it was because of the no condom use, but then you just kept doing it?? Wat??

COURT: If you’re not going to use one type of contraception, USE ANOTHER. Sweet mother of Christmas, these kids are fertile as all hell. I’m STRESSED.

MEL: I’m SO STRESSED. And like no judgement because they’re fucking kids. If anything, it shows sex education in school was not doing its job properly! But then again it’s like she learned the hard way, then just returned to learn the hard way again? Oh man.

COURT: Literally, fucking kids. Kids that are fucking. And also like, the fact that she’s scared to tell her partner because he “didn’t take it well the first time”? Absolutely not. He is just as much a guilty party here, sorry. I wonder if they’re still together. I quietly hope not – OR they finally had that kid and settled the fuck down.

Ok here is a couple that I was like “oh God, don’t admit this in a national youth magazine my good friend.”

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MEL: Oh god oh god oh god. The worms. I can’t with the worms. No judgement, as a little kid I totally had worms. But I hate them so much, as a concept.

COURT: Ok so full disclosure, I had nits when I was a kid. Like, they just WOULD NOT go away. I remember it really fucked up my self-esteem and I’d end up sobbing in the shower every time I thought I’d gotten rid of them and they’d come back.

MEL: Nits are the fucking worst, they’re so hard to get rid of. I had them in primary school but not high school, I can imagine it would be soul-destroying in high school! I can’t get past the worms wriggling in the poo.

COURT: I’m not, but I feel like I should be now? No good. Should be banned from existence. The worms. Jesus Christ. Ok here’s one that makes me want to wrap them up and put them in my pocket.

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MEL: SIMONNNNNNN. Oh, my god. Give him the best friend award.

COURT: Openly admitting that he’s not good with feelings, and just wants to help out his friend who’s clearly either a) finally getting her period and her emotions are all over the shop or b) going through some Real Shit at the moment.

MEL: Simon is definitely a feminist now and also just silently goes and gets the ice-cream when his partner has PMS.

COURT: We stan. Another sweet baby angel who I hope has learned some very important lessons here:

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COURT: I feel like this would make for an incredible plot line for an episode of Big Mouth.

MEL: An excellent question. God, it’s so wild how little we knew about our bodies. I say this all the time, but learning about sex really didn’t start until I HAD sex and just figured stuff out as it happened? How wild is that?

MEL: Another great question – I actually still don’t entirely understand what comes out of that cavern, to be honest. There’s a lot going on in there.

COURT: It’s true. Mystery liquids. Wet and gross (not gross, normal and fine.) I remember when I first learned about squirting and I was like….”do you just piss yourself or…?”

MEL: Don’t even talk to me about squirting, I still don’t understand it.

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COURT: Blessed Katie. I hope she figured it out, and realised that you absolutely do not need a man for that. Actually she probably found out without the help of her boyfriend because we all know men just hazard a guess and hope for the best. My personal white whale is a man who knows what the hell he’s doing. Am I right, friends? (This is where everyone hoots and hollers.)

MEL: Orgasms were SUCH a mystery to me as a teenager, and I would hear words like “you see stars”, and “it’s an out of body experience” which I took 100% literally. Then when I had a sex-induced orgasm I realised I’d been having them since I was a teenager.

COURT: Hahaha absolutely. But also it made me realise that there are 100% different levels of orgasms depending on what’s happening and how you’re feeling. Like, if you’re super into it and super into your partner, it’s like the planets align or some shit.

MEL: TOTALLY. I actually love the energy of this girl wanting to sort her own sexual experience out, not just have sex because her boyfriend wants to – which appeared a lot in these pages in the 00s.

COURT: Ok so there’s all these sweet naive ones but then also fucking TERRIFYING shit like this.

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COURT: I am SO ALARMED.

MEL: Oh, my god. That is not a letter for Dolly Doctor, that’s a letter for ASIO. I can’t believe the cops hadn’t done anything!?

COURT: Also like, what’s the time frame between sending a letter in and having it published? Is this person ok? There is truly not enough closure in Dolly Doctor. I need to know how everything turned out with all of these questions.

MEL: I need follow up information the following month.

COURT: That’s our elevator pitch for Dolly Doctor. Keep tabs, and follow it up. Give these people the closure they need.

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COURT: Omfg.

MEL: Iconic question.

COURT: I mean, as a teenager that’s a legit worry! But also looking back after being sexually active for like 10+ years and you’re like LOL NO.

MEL: To be fair, once a guy (overshare hour) touched his dick then fingered me during sex, and I was like wait can I get pregnant and/or get an STI from this. Like, I was thinking this AT it was happening, because of course, I was.

COURT: Just entirely vacant in the moment with that guy because you’re too busy worrying about what you’re going to name your Fingerbang Baby.

MEL: His name would be Fingerbang. Obviously.

COURT: Sweet little Fingerbang Mason. Also, can we just quickly acknowledge the cut off one up the top there talking about BLEACH and ASBESTOS in tampons?!? Good lord, I worry.

MEL: Just imagining a tampon made entirely out of asbestos fibres. Look, in the past, I would not be surprised.

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COURT: Can someone please get Kiera some Metamucil? Jesus Christ.

MEL: I’m currently eating mushroom risotto, so thanks for this mental image Courtney.

COURT: You’re welcome. I wonder how long it was before Kiera found out she has IBS.

MEL: Ok, so love the Mum energy here. Also, here is a concern I always have – have you ever smelled someone and they’ve got a pooey waft around them?

COURT: Omg.

MEL: I swear that’s because they haven’t gone to the toot recently. I must investigate, but I live in fear that one day it will be me.

COURT: I would have assumed it’s because they just didn’t wipe properly?

MEL: No I think it’s a pores thing. Like your poopy comes out your pores.

COURT: Mel I don’t know if that’s medically possible.

MEL: This is entirely speculation with no facts behind it, by the way.

COURT: But it does bring a new meaning to ‘shitty skin.’

MEL: Anyway! Moving on – I’ve saved the best, most thigh-clenching, squeal-inducing question for last. A little treat for you.

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COURT: !!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHH.

NO NO NO NO NO.

MEL: I have clenched so tight my vagina has fused shut. NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO.

COURT: God I have vivid memories of reading this and recoiling in horror.

MEL: Your vagina is cancelled, Scared QLD.

COURT: “I have long fingernails” – that has me clenching.

MEL: I need to know so many things. Firstly, where is the bleeding from, your vagina or your wee-hole? This changes things.

COURT: There is just so much going on right here. Say it with me now, Scared from QLD: TRIM. YOUR. NAILS. Also not having her period for ages tells me there’s something else afoot here.

MEL: Well, how MUCH nail came off? Like the whole top bit? A small chunk? Basically is the nail in there, wedged into her cervix, blocking her period or not?

COURT: I literally just retched.

MEL: Well see I imagined it was being blocked by the nail. Which makes me want to die.

COURT: Once again, not sure if that’s medically possible. But everything about that is bad. To me.

MEL: I would be a terrible Dolly Doctor. My answer here – run screaming to the hospital, push all the old people and those with broken limbs out of the way, demand to be put under before anyone even inspects you.