Hold on to your butts, babies, ‘cos we are just one week away from the premiere of this year’s season of The Bachelor – and all things considered, it’s shaping up to be one of the most bonkers yet.
A 3-minute trailer released tonight promises a whole shitload of crazy (and like… romance and kissing and stuff) in the season to come. Here are the top 10 batshit moments from the preview, and what a parade of derangement it truly is.
1. “As-tro-fizz-issist?”
Always good to kick the show off with someone not knowing how to pronounce the occupation of the man she’s ostensibly trying to woo!
2. The phrase “I’m just gonna put my hands in your bathwater for a minute”.
Someone give a medal to the producer who contrived this opportunity for one lucky contestant to cover Matt Agnew’s supple body in some kind of mud scrub and then suggestively plunge her hands into the barrel of water in which he’s inexplicably sitting.
3. Aerial silks makeouts.
Don’t… don’t do that. You’re up so high.
4. Ferraris! Stunt planes! A ship with lights on the bottom!
Love is all about ostentatious displays of wealth, I mean affection, and if the preview’s any indication then this season has bucketloads of it.
5. “She said you were a disrespectful pig.”
UM EXCUSE ME, BLONDE WOMAN #4, WHO DID, WHY, AND HOW DARE THEY? If this is the stuff they’re teasing us with, I simply cannot wait to see the full event. Drama! DRAMA!!!
6. The boy is SASSY.
And by sassy I mean it sure seems like he – at the very LEAST – kicks one (1) gal the hell out of the mansion and tells the rest of them that the night had been a “tremendous waste of time”. What is this? Some kind of self-respecting man who’s not turned on by a bunch of TV-addled women savaging each other to the best of their abilities? I am not prepared!!
7. TEARS
There are a lot of them. Also the prerequisite “Sorry babe but someone’s gotta tell you everyone’s been talking about you behind your back 🙁 soz” conversation. So selfless of them to bring that up in a crowded gathering! Bless!
8. Possible sex on the actual beach.
Don’t. Do… not.
9. “Oh fuck, hello.”
Oh I’m sorry! Did the Bachelor, who you are purportedly vying for the affections of, interrupt your direct-t0-camera monologue about how you’re not changing for anyone, despite the fact that you’ve signed a contract with a reality TV show that requires you to at minimum play up your worst qualities and at maximum invent a completely new personality? SORRY.
10. Simply too many declarations of love.
How long does it take the average person to say “I love you” in a relationship? ‘Cos it sure seems like everyone’s dropping the big three words as soon as Matt takes his shirt off. Which, y’know. Can’t blame ’em really.
Phwoar. Watch the whole, mad thing right here:
[jwplayer cYRrlbK0]
