What To Expect From ‘Big Brother’ 2012

Big Brother the morality-barren social experiment where narcissism is celebrated and 78 per cent of televised man-hugs happen, will return to Australian screens on Monday, 13 August. So what can we expect from the new series which, after a four year hiatus, has warned us to “expect the unexpected”? Here’s what we know so far…

(1) 14 housemates are confirmed and are currently in “lockdown”.
According to BB12 blogger Little Sister: “these people are not wannabes chasing the glow of the spotlight. They’re not entering the Big Brother House in an attempt to exit with an underwear endorsement… They’re competitive and their eyes are on the prize.”

Ah hah. So based on that information we can also ascertain that (2) The Housemates are LIARS, which makes the next piece of confirmed information make sense…

(3) All housemates have a “secret”. It’s one of the big hooks in the Channel Nine promos and is supposed to be a fresh take on the Big Brother formula, but it’s pretty similar to so-called “twists” of other seasons (“secret relationships” like mother-daughter housemates Karen and Krystal, and those hateful Logan Twins).

At this stage we can only guess what this season’s secrets will be, but I’d bet one hundred dollars that there will be a transgender person, an annoying vegan, and a “mole” who producers plant specifically to stir up trouble.

(4) Sonia Kruger is the host. I have to admit I’m kind of psyched about this. Sonia Kruger seems like a delight and she’s very natural and conversational on camera. She’ll be far more tolerable than the sartorially-challenged Gretel Killeen, or the short-lived Kyle and Jackie O combination – a more hateful duo you’d be hard pressed to come up with, had I not recently referenced those fucking Logans.

(5) The new Big Brother logo is hideous. Get it? It’s like an eye with a camera lens in it?

(6) Confirmed: There’s a pool and hot tub! Photographic evidence was discovered on the Official Big Brother Facebook page:

The hot tub in particular is a very necessary structure that plays a vital role in the Big Brother architecture, both literally and figuratively. Without the hot tub I dare say there would be no Jess and Marty, and the world would have been deprived of compelling conversation like this:

Big Brother premieres on Monday 13 August at 7pm. Join me right here for the Big Brother Live Blog. It’s time to go… NORMAL STANDARDS OF HUMAN BEHAVIOUR!