Let’s be honest, Award Ceremonies aren’t about rewarding creative talent. No! They’re about embarrassing celebrities through a shame-cocktail or shocktail of live television, seemingly endless liquor and crushed pride. Nominees become begrudging losers, begrudging losers become douche bags and douche bags become animated GIFs. Animated GIFs that express the most tenuous of human emotion with startling accuracy and brevity. Plus they’re fun to look at (the GIFs). So without further ado here are some hilarious Golden Globe moments worthy of GIF status.
Celebrities are alcoholics because celebrities are also human beings. What else you gonna do when you’re that rich? Work? Puh-lease. An Education’s young star Carey Mulligan goes so far as to sneak a bottle of Vodka into an event with infinity alcohol just in case they don’t have the brand she likes? While Mariah Carey puts the ceremony in Awards Ceremony with a short declaration of why anyone turns up to these things in the first place. 50 Cent shouldn’t of gone with “love you like a fat kid loves cake” but “love you like Mariah Carey loves Champagne“. Which is to say more than you love your husband/wife/family/kids.
Also, what’s up with Julia Roberts? Tom Hanks is all like “pipe down J-Ro”. Then she’s all like Natalie? And everyone is confused and yelling and incoherent. Despite the general awkwardness and terrible NBC jokes, the most nonsensical video of Julia Roberts is still that time she played a jewel thief impersonating HERSELF (Julia Roberts) in Ocean’s 12.
Michael C Hall won the Best Actor In A TV Series (Drama) Globe for the gloriously diabolical “Dexter” and despite being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma which probably explains the hat, the most cynical of pundits are suggesting that losing nominee Bill Paxton uttered the phrase “I got beaten by the cancer card”. If this is the case Bill Paxton is evil. If not, lipreading cynics are going straight to hell. Either way Cancer was, is and will continue to be terrible.
Chloe Sevigny (or Chloi Sevigny according to a now-fired Golden Globes title writer) ripped her dress on the way to the podium thanks to a now-fired Golden Globes usher who stepped on the trail of her frock. According to reports neither of the ill-qualified monkeys will work in the industry again. The industry being Miscellaneous Award Ceremony worker not Hollywood.
NO FEIGNED HAPPINESS FOR OLD WOMEN
Writer/Director Nora Ephron (Julie and Julia), as Vulture rightfully points out, breaks the only two roles of losing nominees. Feign surprise or if humanly possible jaw-clenched grace AND pretend like you didn’t concoct a speech weeks beforehand because the caliber of nominees means a win is almost impossible. Ephron does neither. But in her defence she lost against The Hangover featuring Mike Tyson.
“I’m King of the World” or shit just got Avatar’d.
