It’s episode 13 on The Voice Australia but it feels like it’s been on television for about three years now. Welcome to the live blog. Let’s get into it…
7:36pm: Darren McMullen wears purple suits full time now. Last week’s outfit was not a fluke.
7:37pm: Sorry Darren but you’ve just been one upped by Joel who has orange and black tiger stripes dyed into the sides of his head this evening :O
7:41pm: Okay, so now that I’ve partially recovered from Joel’s follicle abomination it’s time to get on with the eliminations. First up is Team Delta. Only two singers go through, the viewers’ choice and the mentor’s choice. Predictably the public’s choice was blind sweetheart Rachael.
7:42pm: It’s Delta time to decide who she will bring through to the next round. It was clear she was always going to choose Glenn because even before she announced his name, she was referring to her other contestants (the Russian and the boring one whose name I can’t remember) in past tense.
7:44pm: Elimination time for Team Seal. The Australian public chose Karise. Good selection, GP. Seal has now gone off on an hour-long spiel of bullshit about the rest of his contests that is basically incomprehensible. He has Emma Louise, Guy Sebastian’s brother and Fatai… And he chooses Fatai. That’s a bit of a surprise… We need to discuss this in the comment section after the show.
7:48pm: Darren McMullen looks so insanely tan tonight it is not even funny – it’s concerning. With his purple suit he looks one can of green hairspray away from an Oompa-Loompa. “He looks like a coil on the stove top on high,” says my boyfriend. HE DOES. Someone throw a pail of water on that guy please.
7:49pm: The first performer of the night is contestant from Team Joel, Prinnie. She’s wearing an extremely loud outfit including some tropical print We Are Handsome spandex leggings and a fluoro studded jacket. Her backup dancers are back(up) this week again too. The scene in front of me tells me I should be having the greatest moment of my life right now – with so much stimulation happening on stage, but the song is boring as shit.
7:54pm: Joel said “Prinnie, you know what’s great about you? You’re loud. Like me!” Yeah so true! Just look at his hairstyle tonight and her outfit. That’s exactly what I said before. Loud.
8:02pm: Diana from Team Keith has been given the difficult task of performing the beautiful Bonnie Raitt song “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. The first thing I notice is her boobs. They are almost falling out of that dress. Is that why Joel is shaking his head and heaving with emotion or is it just because Diana’s voice sounds lovely tonight? Hard to tell.
8:04pm: Delta says she loved the performance then Darren throws to Keith but Seal interrupts to give his two cents. Shut up Seal you hilarious stoned tool. Keith says that he could really feel the heartbreak in Diana’s performance. All in all the judges are stoked with her performance.
Sorry but Darren McMullen’s face just came on screen and it’s non-human colour gave me a proper fright.
8:11pm: Joel’s chick-weapon Lakyn is performing next and after being a complete dunce last week he better be on point tonight.
8:13pm: First of all, he’s wearing a ‘hi everyone I’m a nouveaux-hippie’ shirt which I’m not particularly enjoying, and secondly he’s singing “Friday, I’m In Love” by the Cure. While he’s certainly more lively this evening I find I’m not really listening to him. Like REALLY listening. “Friday I’m In Love” is such a romantic song, and this is just a good looking teen grinning. But forget my invalid opinion – Seal is having the best day of his life, clapping like a possessed person and beaming idiotically.
8:16pm: Keith, like me, wasn’t completely enamoured with the performance, but Seal was borderline-inappropriate in his visible enthusiasm for Laykn. As usual Joel was pleased with Laykn’s lacklustre effort because he has a pretty face and therefore has a pass to do whatever he wants.
8:23pm: Next to perform from Keith’s team is Brittany singing Silverchair’s “Straight Lines”. I’m not feeling confident about this I’m sorry to say…
8:25pm: This is terrible and you can tell Brittany is struggling with the big jumps between high and lower notes (or ‘intervals’ to use the proper music terminology). Her voice is no Daniel Johns-doing-falsetto, and she appears to be scared out of her mind during the entire performance.
8:27pm: Delta is telling Brittany that she didn’t do a great job, which is entirely true, and someone in the audience booed and JOEL CAME TO HER RESCUE and told that person to shut up. Love you Joely! Even with your stupid stupid hair.
8:28pm: I’m going to call it early: Brittany is gone next week.
8:30pm: Team Joel are performing soon. Will they be singing a Good Charlotte song? I can hardly contain myself…
8:32pm: The ad breaks are really long tonight… So… Will Team Joel sing “Lifestyles Of The Rich and Famous”?…
8:35pm: No! It’s “Dancefloor Anthem”, a Good Charlotte song that I don’t know by name but as soon as the chorus starts I’m pretty sure I’ll know most of the words.
8:36pm: I cannot stop laughing at Joel for some reason. He looks so much like a giant baby. Those big white sneakers and wearing sunglasses indoors at night… Mate we get it! You’re a famous rock star! Alright! Geez!
8:37pm: Highlight: SEAL being busted by the camera singing along and clearly not knowing the words.
8:42pm: Now that I’ve calmed down can we talk about how great that performance of “Dancefloor Anthem” was? Just kidding. I’m too busy having a piece* of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate with almonds.
8:44pm: Keith’s acoustic guitar slinging sweetheart with the vertical hair, Adam, is up next to sing/play “Romeo and Juliet” by Dire Straits. Put your hand up if you were born in 198- and know every word? *Raises hand*
8:46pm: This Adam guy is charming and has that little tear in his voice akin to the singer from Counting Crows (also named Adam, I believe?!?). I don’t think he really pulled it off to be honest. Like Seal said “It’s an iconic song and you can’t sing it like Mark Knopfler if you aren’t Mark Knopfler.” Keith thinks he sang it like Adam Martin and it was just fine.
8:52pm: Another lengthy ad break including a trailer for Rock Of Ages. How shit does that look? HA HA HA! How ridiculous!! LOL! Stupid Tom Cruise without a shirt on!
(Seriously though, is anyone else secretly looking forward to it immensely?)
8:54pm: Sarah De Bono, Joel’s redhead belter, is going to sing “How Will I Know?” the Whitney Houston classic (RIP). This girl looks like a living, breathing Powerpuff Girl with all her colourful styling but can she handle Whitney?
8:58pm: Camera One, Delta’s up! Can we get a zoom down there? Camera three, we’ve got Keith singing along word for word, get a close up. My boyfriend and I are pretending to be the show producers. All the judges really loved Sarah’s performance which was very energetic and natural and charming. And the girl can sing. That was the best of tonight so far.
9:05pm: Crowd favourite Darren Percival is next. He is wearing a very urban black leather hoodie in the studio rehearsal. Personal brand confusion.
9:06pm: Have you noticed Keith has dainty hands and fingers?
9:08pm: Thankfully for Darren Percival’s performance he has changed back to a normal, non ‘street’ black dinner suit. He’s singing “I Believe (When I Fall In Love With You It Will Be Forever)” originally by Stevie Wonder. Seal did a high kick. The crowd is going ape for him. “He could fill casinos with that voice,” says my boyfriend knowingly. All the judges were up out of their chairs grinning like fools. Darren P has got some serious fans in the house tonight!
9:10pm: Joel says “Darren, I don’t want to make you cry but…” then goes on to say several things that are exactly what will make Darren cry, like he’s the only person with a voice “like that” in Australia. It’s a Darren Percival love-in.
9:18pm: Next for Team Joel is Ben who’ll be singing an Avril Lavigne (spelling? whatever.) song dedicated to his brother who died tragically young.
9:20pm: I like how Ben has a very open face and doesn’t seem awkward about expressing emotions on stage. He did a nice job tapping into that tonight. Delta is the first judge to speak about him and mid-way through her adjudication she gets a bit tongue tied and Joel starts poking fun at her and saying ‘oooh!’ in the vein of ‘Delta and Ben sitting in a tree’. Joel is too amusing.
9:23pm: Once off stage, Ben gets told by Seal that he did a good job because it’s a girl’s song. HAAaa HAAAAAA! Classic backhanded compliment, Seal style.
9:30pm: Finally tonight is the group song from Team Keith. The crowd goes ballistic when Keith appears on stage wailing on the geetar! I wonder if Nicole’s in the audience tonight… This has been one of the most tolerable group efforts so far. Keith is a sweetheart from Caboolture and his team is a likeable bunch. Joel loves it.
9:33pm: Alright guys it’s time for me to sign off for the night. What did you think? My favourite solos were definitely Darren Percival and Sarah De Bono. My favourite judge who adores touching people was definitely Seal. The most hilarious performance was Joel in the Team Joel group song. And that’s a wrap. Until next week…