Tonight we witness the last evening of performances on The Voice with the final four contestants Sarah De Bono from Team Joel, Karise Eden of Team Seal, Rachael Leahcar with Team Delta, and Darren Percival representing Team Keith, delivering clutch vocal punches to accrue the hearts of Australians and their votes. All four have delivered some terrific performances but hopefully they’ve saved the best for last. Oh boy It’s going to be emotional!

You know what’s not emotional? Press conferences. Especially if you’re Joel Madden. In the footage below he sits on the panel at a media junket for the final four, managing to look the closest physical personification of bored I’ve ever seen. Oh Joely, I’m going to miss your absurd behavioural tics when this is all over…

Alright everyone. We’ve all come a long way together. Let’s batten down the hatches and bunker in for the second last night of The Voice.

7:28pm: Five minutes until the show starts, according to The Voice‘s Twitter account, so I’m just watching the final minutes of The Block while trying to stay out of a food coma after draining a pho soup in an unhealthy timeframe. Oh wow look what I’ve just seen:

7:32pm: This intro has emotional classical music and heaps of slow-mo footage like a Bruce McEvaney Olympics montage. They’re also playing “Crazy” by Seal. Jesus. How many times do you think they played that song during the series? I’ll be poleaxed if Seal doesn’t release a Greatest Hits album after the show finishes.

7:36pm: Finally the show is starting and, as usual, Darren McMullen is dressed in a violet suit. I’m pretty sure it’s actually blue but when offset against his extraordinary tan it reads purple. Seal is wearing a white suit with, what appears to be, capri pants for bottoms. Good lord.

7:40pm: “Sarah De YOLO!” says Joel Madden excitedly. He has a Roman Numeral one painted onto the side of his head tonight. I’m kind of excited about seeing him sing with Lionel Richie. Mainly because of Lionel Richie.

7:42pm: Human kewpie doll Sarah De Bono will be performing first tonight. “If she had blonde hair she would seriously look like the female Smurf,” observes my boyfriend. Smurfette is singing a Tina Arena song “If I Didn’t Love You”. Joel is “one hundred per cent confident” in her.

7:45pm: The wind machine is on full blast tonight. Sarah looks pretty in her solid gold choker and based on Joel’s accelerated toothpick chewing she obviously has his approval, but this performance is leaving me a little cold.

7:73pm: Delta thought Sarah sounded great but implied the song choice wasn’t great, at which point Joel interrupts and accuses her of psyching him out. I have to agree with Delta on that one. Joel, who actually has ‘I LOVE YOU’ painted on his head (as pointed out by a tweeter) and not a roman numeral, is all “we’re the best and Sarah is a fucking star” tonight.

7:55pm: Karise is up next. She is going to be singing an original song that she wrote. I just got shivers of anticipato which means this show is actually getting to me.

7:57pm: This is a pretty fine song, particularly written by a 19-year-old for crying out loud. It never really took off at any point though. As my boyfriend asked crossly: “Where was the chorus?” There wasn’t a real hook in there, but it was a nice ballad and Karise’s voice is amazing.

8:00pm: Delta has Rachael Leahcar hair tonight.

8:02pm: Seal says “There’s one thing I want to ask you tonight Karise, and that is that after you are blah blah blah blah” (goes on to describe god knows what and after five minutes of rambling finally says) “What is it like to be Karise Eden tonight?” Seal has really brought the laughs throughout the whole series. Tonight is proving no different (inability to make sense + capri pants).

8:07pm: Next up is Rachael Leahcar, Delta‘s beloved final contender. She’s singing “Smile” by Charlie Chaplin. Delta tells Rachael a story about how her mum told her to smile at anyone who was trying to get her down. Classic painful Delta story. If someone grinned at me when I was giving them a piece of my mind I’d definitely want to punch them.

8:12pm: Rachael sounds great tonight. That was a really pretty performance. Joel says “I’m rooting for you… and I thought you killed it tonight.” Delta said “I love you in that world” [that world = ‘laneway’] and is very proud of her. I actually think that was the best all round performance of the night so far and her Jaime Lee Major frock looked pretty fab.

8:19pm: Puce toned Darren McMullen introduces his name twin, the next performer Darren Percival. Darren is singing his own song called “Damage Down” which he wrote after he turned 40. I hope this song isn’t as lame as DP’s description made it sound because he is a delightful man prone to tears of happy emotion. Bless.

8:24pm: Darren Percival is set up on stage wearing a tux and a strategically undone bowtie with a grand piano and a lamp. Very “loungey”. Seal has is eyes closed as is just bopping. Darren did a great job and all the judges are giving him a standing ovation.

8:26pm: Seal explains to Darren why his eyes were closed “You took me back to the blind auditions” describing his voice as “nectar coming out of your throat”. End of the day Seal wants to buy Darren Percival records. So does Joel. Delta says she couldn’t imagine the grand finale without Darren in it. Everyone is giving crazy props to DP tonight.

8:28pm: Delta just said the words “here’s my truth”. LOL These people are so full of shit!

8:32pm: Is anyone else a little bored tonight? By the end of these types of shows everyone gets very “I love you and I love you and I love everyone” and the extreme positivity is tiresome.

8:35pm: The V Room is the worst part of this entire thing. They’ve styled it to look like “The Future” with tweets on the wall and a ceiling made of lights. V Shit I think you mean! Snaps to Fuzzy who looks pretty banging in a Josh Goot dress.

8:36pm: JOEL MADDEN AND LIONEL RICHIE. This sounds like “Easy”… and it IS. WHAT?!?! I thought it was a never-before-heard new song?? This is BS.

8:39pm: Look, “Easy” is a great song and everything, but if we wanted to hear some punk rock dude sing it we’ve already got Mike Patton’s version. This is a bummer because Joel is the most boring he’s ever been in the entire show. Probably because he’s trying not to embarrass Lionel Richie. Lionel is awesome. Wish they would put the camera on Nicole Richie. Love you Nicole you tiny, minted angel.

8:43pm: OH. So after the song Lionel tells Darren McMullen that he and Joel have a new song coming out soon. Righto. I’ll calm down.

8:44pm: I only just realised Delta’s mid section is out on display tonight. 0_o

8:47pm: Sarah is next singing an original she wrote when she was 16. It’s called “Beautiful” and is about being beautiful on the inside. Hey mate, I’m pretty sure there’s already a song about that. And it’s called “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera.

8:48pm: Sarah just said “You’re beautiful if you believe in yourself” completely earnestly. I suddenly hate her a little bit! The song could probably be on commercial radio though. Delta’s up out of her chair getting jiggy with her midriff! Someone just put the bubble machine on overdrive. Ugh. Bubbles are so shit and 2002.

8:53pm: Can’t stop laughing at Sarah de Bono’s sexy eyes at the tv when her voting details get read out.

8:56pm: Eating chocolate coated raspberry bullets during the ad break. If anyone reading this is the manufacturer of them you may send me a lot of them. Thanks!

8:58pm: Time for Karise‘s second song. Seal’s strategy for Karise has finally come to fruition, according to Seal. “Stay With Me, Baby” is the song that is all part of Seal’s alleged strategy and I have a feeling she’s going to kill it.

9:03pm: Karise was off the deep end. Girl sang the hell out of that song, perfectly chosen by Seal. She got a massive standing ovation from the audience and the judges, except for Joel who was sitting with his arms crossed like a petulant little boy. Come on Joel. Stop sulking buddy. Seal says Karise is “the voice of this show”. Apparently the original song she sang earlier is already at number 3 on the iTunes charts. I hope she wins after that performance.

9:11pm: Rachael is doing her original next. The song was inspired by Delta calling her a “shooting star”. She tells Delta, “I thought: me the shooting star? You’re the shooting star!” Needless to say Delta’s grinning like any person who adores receiving compliments.

9:13pm: This song is the worst. Sorry but it’s impossibly lame. It’s like a grade ten music composition. Trust me, I did music in grade ten. Delta is bawling. This song will probably be a top ten hit on the ARIA charts. I’d put money on it. Delta is going to be so smug about this. So smug.

9:17pm: I think I’ve mentioned this before but is Rachael Leahcar miniature or is Delta a total giant? The height difference is at least a foot.

9:23pm: Meanwhile, back in the V Room, Sarah is using the word “journey”.

9:24pm: Darren Percival and Keith Urban are having a good old fashioned bro out in the rehearsal studio. Lots of hugs and Keith uses the phrase “great vibe”. Jealous. Darren is singing Stevie Wonder’s “For Once In My Life”. This performance ought to be pure Percival. (Whatever that means.)

9:26pm: Darren has some kind of backup singer congregation tonight. He’s having the time of his life up there, and on the judging bench the whole gang is up getting jiggy. You can tell by lip reading that Joel is singing a scat version of the song. With sunglasses on.

9:28pm: Just realised The Voice logo with two hands holding microphones behind Darren looks like both hands are flipping the bird.

9:29pm: Seal says “Every time you get on that stage you basically give a clinic in how to perform a song.” Keith, wearing multiple wrist jewellery, is so proud of Darren. Gives him another hug. Get a room you two!

9:35pm: We’ve reached the end of the show so it’s time to wrap it up. We’ll be back tomorrow night to find out who won this thing. Let me know what you thought of tonight’s show, the outfits, the judges and the singing in the comment section.