Apparently The Bachelors 2023 was on tonight and I did not know. I’m sorry! When has the franchise ever been on a Sunday? Never! The show has gone rogue and that is the only explanation for this bonkers airdate, plus all the dogshit antics which transpired tonight.

Literally 12 different subplots happened in episode four and the kind people of the internet had thoughts and feelings about them all. Let us begin.

I missed the start of the episode (WHY IS IT AIRING ON A SUNDAY???) so based on Twitter, it looks like Tash apologised really badly to Jess and Jas for being evil last week. Apparently we’ve also just moved on from the whole slut shaming and invading other people’s privacy thing. Cool!

In dealing with the aftermath, the producers decided that obviously, the best way to handle one contestant going all Mean Girls and Regina George on everyone’s asses was to take the lasses on group dates. Yay!

Felix took the girls on a water park date because #boobs, which the internet obviously realised.

Thomas organised some sort of eye-gazing date because #yogi. Apparently there were goats. Obviously every man and his dog thought this all sounded fucking foul (no offence to any hemp shirt wearers reading this).

Also, how does one STARE INTO ANOTHER PERSON’S EYES on a GROUP DATE when you can only GAZE INTO ONE HUMAN BEING’S EYES? Apparently you cannot, which renders the mechanics of a group date mute. Wow, who’d have thunk it, I am shocked.

The girls who didn’t snag Thomas (Kiki/Dakota Johnson nabbed him, obviously) had to stare into each other’s eyes and Twitter prayed it would inspire some sort of sapphic storyline. One can only hope.

Anko Machine Gun Kelly did … I don’t know what. I’m sorry. I must have zoned out while watching The Bachelors and no one wrote about it on Twitter so obviously nothing iconic, nay moderately interesting, happened.

Back to Felix’s Wet’n’Wild group date, noted queen Yuri confessed the root rat makes her gag. The internet was all like “take a number, form a queue, join the club” et cetera and honestly, the angel needs to high tail it out of there. She is far too emotionally intelligent for the bloke.

Jas revealed she doesn’t share the same values as Jed but I don’t know what said principles are. Drumming? Dressing like Off Ya Tree’s employee of the month? It’s a mystery.

Anyway, she said there was another bloke who was more “emotionally mature” and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD, DON’T LET IT BE FELIX, PLEASE, EVERYONE WAS PRAYING IT WASN’T THE TONGUED DEMON.

Thankfully it was not and instead Jas announced that out of all the Bachelors, she had her eye on Thomas. I guess he’s ideal if you’re into a fella who would send your family into bankruptcy ‘cos he spent thousands of dollars on crystals, and would also refuse to procreate with you at certain times of the year lest your spawn be born with a star sign he doesn’t like. Dreamy!

Anyway, Thomas said nup. No chakra realignment for you on The Bachelors, Jas!

In two shakes of a lamb’s tail it was rose ceremony time and HOLY SMOKES was it chaotic.

Yuri rejected Felix’s rose and delivered the most fucking stunning exit speech. The internet commended her, obviously.

Jas rejected Jed’s rose and then walked back to the podium instead of walking out à la Yuri and the girls on The Bachelors were pissed, they were scheming, they were seeing red.

But l’internet praised Jas for being honest and speaking her truths and you know what? Tea! This story isn’t about me but I agree. Three cheers for Jas.

But then shit hit the fan when Thomas gave Jas a rose! Is that allowed? I don’t care and obviously The Bachelors does not give one iota when it comes to consistency or, you know, standard rules.

One woman called CJ who I have literally never seen before in my entire life kept banging on about it like a bear with a sore head. She reacted to the partner swap like a rogue goat from Thomas’ hippy dippy group date delivered a steaming hot turd on her Novo sandal.

Twitter was awash with confusion about myriad things: why was CJ so triggered? Who is CJ? How does a partner swap concern her?

And that was that. Fun! Bonkers! Bananas! The Bachelors is truly so unpredictable and wild (and allegedly wet, per Felix’s group date).

Will Channel 10 air another episode in half an hour’s time without alerting anyone? Fuck knows! ‘Tis just the magic and wonder of the show. See yas tomorrow.

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Image: The Bachelors / Channel 10