I’m exhausted and feel like I’ve run four marathons but in reality, all I’ve done is watch The Bachelors. Tonight we were forced to witness 12 individuals who have known each other for less than three months sit through COUPLES THERAPY and discuss MARRIAGE and BABIES and I was ready to lobotomise myself.
As always, however, it wasn’t just me who was going bonkers. The wise people of the internet also found the episode to be insufferable, frustrating and bamboozling.
First things first, people thought the whole therapy thing was giving Married At First Sight, which will actually be premiering in two shakes of a lamb’s tail on January 30. Tonight’s episode of The Bachelors was a soft launch of the fuckery we’ll see on MAFS, if you will.
It’s going a bit MAFS tonight. #TheBachelorsAU— Sharlene Kuruppuarachchi (@SharleneMelb) January 24, 2023
I feel like they’re trying to emotionally prepare us for MAFS. #TheBachelorsAU— Emily Tammes (@EmilyTammes) January 24, 2023
MAFS aside, the boobs of the internet also pointed out that the therapy session was giving Marion on Kath & Kim.
Basically, the point of therapy was so a “relationship counsellor” — Osher‘s words, not mine — could nut out the issues these secure, genuine, stable couples (who will definitely not break up the second they leave the mansion) have.
Obviously, everyone thought this was stupid and futile because these people hardly know each other. They haven’t even learned about each other’s favourite foods and taste in telly, let alone discussed what their futures together could ACTUALLY, REALISTICALLY look like.
This must be such a weird day at work for this sexologist/relationship expert. “So you’re telling me you’ve spent two hours tops with him?” #TheBachelorsAU— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹🌹🌹 (@BOHpod) January 24, 2023
Ok… what's the point of these "therapy" sessions?— VišnjaCreates (@VisnjaCreates) January 24, 2023
They were/are about as in-depth as what co-workers are with each other when discussing please for the weekend#TheBachelorsAU
this therapy stuff would make sense if these people actually had genuine connections and… knew each other… but it's just like "there's lots of stuff we need to know about each other". Yeah, duh #TheBachelorsAU— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) January 24, 2023
Alésia was deeply normal and like, “I don’t want to get married to Jed after only knowing him for six weeks and also I don’t want to do therapy on national television with a total stranger” and, unsurprisingly, The Bachelors framed that as being weird, actually.
The internet, on the other hand, was fucking feeling it. ‘Nuff said.
alesia talking abt therapy is soooooo me #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 24, 2023
Alesia’s *deeply* sensible reaction to the prospect of being proposed to is exactly why bandying these engagement rings about is such a fucking terrible idea. #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 24, 2023
Hang on, Alésia, you’re telling me that when you went to therapy and didn’t tell the therapist anything about yourself, you didn’t feel like it helped very much? I’m shocked!! #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/hpBNWn3uHf— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹🌹🌹 (@BOHpod) January 24, 2023
THIS IS THE WORST THING IVE EVER WATCHED. #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 24, 2023
Then Kiki was interrogated on whether she wanted to have more children because apparently her only job on The Bachelors is to have a fertile womb for Thomas, a man she has known for a few weeks. He also doesn’t give a fuck about the two kids she already has because they weren’t spawned from his nut, which is nice and normal and lovely.
The hemp milk latte lover kept banging on about how he’s “craving” kids and will stop at nothing to impregnate a woman. He then appeared to have a stroke and said the term “creating life from scratch”.
CREATING. LIFE. FROM. SCRATCH. The internet was gagging. The producers will never be forgiven for orchestrating this therapy session, which gave Thomas the opportunity to say such a vile string of words.
"im craving having kids"— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 24, 2023
"creating life from scratch"
jesus fucking christ thomas #TheBachelorsAU
“Craving” having kids, oh my god they’re human beings not chocolate #TheBachelorsAU— Jessica (@787hwudhw) January 24, 2023
How does Thomas always find such horrifying turns of phrase? “creating life from scratch”? Come on, man. #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 24, 2023
Somehow the therapy sessions got worse because Jess basically dumped Damien on live television because that whole “open relationship” storyline with Felix refuses to fuck off.
People were pouring one out for poor Damo.
damien watching this at home like #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 24, 2023
Is Damien watching this?#TheBachelorsAU— robair. (@robair20) January 24, 2023
fuck now i just feel bad for Damien #TheBachelorsAU— Elizabeth (@__elizabet_h) January 24, 2023
Except not really because he meets Felix’s family in tomorrow night’s episode! Did you really think the producers on The Bachelors were going to deprive us the pleasure of witnessing that? HA!
If you have thoughts, feelings and questions about tonight’s episode, you can read our stunning recap here.