I bloody love this season of The Bachelors hahahahaha. You know what really boosts my serotonin levels? Gets my endorphins going? Lifts my sorrow spirits? Women telling shitty men that they can go fuck themselves. So you can imagine my joy is unbounded tonight friends, because we got that DOUBLE-TIME.

Let’s get into it. We start out with Thomas, who will now be known as Meditation Daddy (ty to my friend Liza who gave me that gold nugget), trying to have his peaceful me-time with his crystals and soft cashmere jumper draped over his shoulders.

the bachelors
wow I was having such a relaxing time, now I must expend my energy on two bozos

He’s interrupted by Felix the Drunk Seal and Kmart MGK. Old Sealy is wearing leopard pants – possible attempt to disguise himself in the wild so he isn’t dragged back to his Seaworld pen.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
grrrr! Reowr! I’m a leopard! This isn’t a flipper I’m holding out!

They’re like waaaaah we have widdle man pwwwwoblems. They’re like *old man shakes fist at sky* “the women!!! They be crazy!!!” Essentially Felix is like ughhhhh Jess and her dumb other boyfriend, how dare she date other men while I tongue-fuck 10 other women. Jed is like, Tash!!!! Is so hot!!! But so toxic and problematic (and a producer told me she has to stay until episode ten minimum!!!!).

Thomas is like can you ples leave me alone I have to drink my dry matcha turmeric cacao nib latte and do my visualisations.

Meanwhile Tash is an evil genius because unlike many reality TV villains, she’s aware that if you’re just a total asshole then everyone will hate you and might put nail polish remover in your eye drop bottle. Instead, it’s best to be a SNEAKY asshole and pretend you’re heaps sorry, so everyone just THINKS about putting nail polish remover in your eye drop bottle.

She apologises to Jess, except not rly ahahahaha psych, just playing pretendsies.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
and THAT’S how you get out of here with your eyeballs intact

Jas meanwhile is bored of Kmart MGK because his entire personality is drumming loudly at 6am and party harem pants. Jk jk, she feels his support of Tash is a red flag (it is) and that she either wants a fourth Bachie (lol dream on beb) or “one of the other ones”.

The foreshadowing is as subtle as Jed smashing his big cymbal over and over until he kills the Drunk Seal with noise pollution.

Off on a date! Each Bach has to pick a date that MeAns SomEtHinG To ThEmmmmmm. Emotions. Feelings. Vulnerability.

Drunk Seal, missing the ocean shores but unwilling to return to his pool pen, takes his girls to Wet ‘N’ Wild.

the bachelors
*deep breath with vulnerable shudder to it* naked chicks mean a lot to me

Tilly, knowing she’s Mrs. Seal already, leaps into his arms like a koala.

the bachelors
we get it, you’re Mrs. Seal

Honestly at this point it’s just fucking rude, the way Felix is just thrusting his way toward Tilly every chance he gets IN FRONT OF THE OTHER GIRLS.

Jed’s taken his ladies to an even more cheugy location than Cheug Mansion – Palazzo Versace.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
Oh look it’s all the worst furniture from Facebook Marketplace

They’re doing champers and manicures which is deffo the best date, just with some of the worst people because Tash is already mincing around copying Jed and getting black nail polish and telling him all the girls hate her just coz she’s fun and zesty.

Jas is having a life crisis over Jed because he is giving her the energy of a beige couch cushion.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
I’m just not sure I like this man who has barely spoken to me and just looks lovingly at his drums

Meditation Daddy meanwhile took his ladies to a freezing bog to stare into each other’s eyes for one hour and 45 minutes. It’s Kiki’s idea of heaven, of course, because she is the Gwyneth Paltrow of Queensland.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
My yoni egg is pulsing

It’s pissing off Gondola Leah because she is way too sensitive for this show and needs to be protected at all costs. The woman isn’t coping with another gal staring into her boyfriend’s EYES. How’s she gonna be when they start kissing.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
Leah honey it’s prob less traumatic to go to the pub and meet sweet Craig the plumber

Kiki, maybe competing with crying Leah, starts sobbing after the eye gazing and Meditation Daddy loves it.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
just let them ride their eco-friendly electric bikes into the sunset already

Back to Sealy, who is swooping down waterslides and enjoying the feel of wetness on his skin after all this time away from Seaworld, minus the restrictive trainers making him do tricks for sardines. That woman who seemed lost on the Bachelor set while trying to find Central station finally speaks – her name is Yuri, she’s 21, and she’s going to RUIN this man.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
If I can’t find central the least I can do is crush a man’s ego into dust

She’s like “you know who sucks? This Seal guy”. She is beyond disinterested in Felix. She’d rather date fifty leeches buttoned into a trench coat masquerading as a Bachelor.

Meanwhile they’re really trying to convince us Palazzo Versace is classy.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
PLEASE LOVE ME

It’s not working. Not that it even needs to because Jed’s not even here to meet a gal, he just wants the goss. He sits down with Jas and basically asks her who she hates, lol.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
Oi… oi… who’s like the WORST person here hahaha we need more champers for this hey mate

Anyway, Krystal our Lord and Saviour is slowly losing me because she is waxing lyrical about how her and Felix are perfect together and he’s so hot and perfect and something about strapping Gaston babies… anyway Krystal!!! You are too good for this trash man!

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
BLINK TWICE IF YOU’VE GOT BRAIN WORMS, KRYSTAL

Also is Old Sealy giving Michael Scott from The Office vibes of late coz the man keeps saying truly chaotic shit. He also can’t stop kissing Tilly. In front of everyone. All the time.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts

The funny part is these two literally have zero conversation between them. They go “so tell me about yourself” and then just pash for a bit and walk off. A producer should send them to dinner where they can’t touch so we can just watch them say “so tell me about yourself” repeatedly back and forth until they malfunction.

The other girls pull him aside to be like, hey can you stop licking Tilly’s mouth insides while in full view of us it’s kinda rude. Michael Scott The Seal just rolls his eyes and says absolutely unhinged shit like “I have to explore my connections” and “it would be disrespectful if I didn’t explore intimacy with someone the moment they wanted to”.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
those are just words strung together into a sentence

Whatever, Meditation Daddy is over here falling in love with Gwyneth of the Gold Coast so who cares what Sealy is doing!

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
ILY Gwyneth

Except then Gwynnie had to go tell Meditation Daddy about her two kids. Yes, Kiki has kids and in what was a genuinely shocking twist, Meditation Daddy is not as daddy as we thought because he fucking hates that she’s procreated without him.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
Meditation Daddy, this is definitely NOT daddy behaviour

Look he SAYS it’s because he grew up with a stepfather or whatever and has some sort of baggage, but he also says “I want to start my family from scratch” and that is rank to me. Maybe it’s because, I don’t know, sometimes you end up having a kid with someone who turns out NOT to be the love of your life??? And it feels very Madonna/whore complex to reject a woman for that???

Anyway please god do not let ALL of these Bachie’s be fucksticks because I might have to set fire to my TV.

Jas, meanwhile, has decided anti-daddy Meditation Daddy is suddenly the hottest man on the planet despite never once seeming interested prior to this Tash drama.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
I love meditation, yay cacao nibs

Anyway she goes and has a chat with him and he’s all, weird but sure whatever. You do yoga. You can stay.

Off to the rose ceremony where Osh does his new thing where he stirs up shit right before the guys arrive. Mainly, he asks Jas about her newfound love for Thomas and then this rando in blue butts in to say Jas is just gunning for a rose.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
Maybe she is also trying to find central station

Whatever, Jas isn’t phased. The guys come in. Before Sealy can even pick up a rose, Yuri pipes up. She’s done with his constant thrusting in the direction of Tilly, and his general penis-for-a-brain vibes and wants out.

the bachelors
You suck! Byeeee!

She honest to god just bluntly goes “I came here for a spark and there’s none” and just marches into the abyss. Felix looks like his ego just got stamped into the floorboards. I adore this woman. I hope she finds Central station.

Next bombshell – Jed gives Jas a rose and she rejects it. Unlike Felix, he is not pissy at all and is very gracious. We love to see it!!!

After much tense war movie music, the inevitable happens – Thomas gives Jas a rose, which means two Thomas girlies go home. We don’t know them nor do we care, but Marjorie, one of Tash’s attention-seeking henchmen really does.

The Bachelors Recap: Bow Down To Yuri, Queen Of Our Fuckboy-Crushed Hearts
Better insert myself into this drama for some airtime!!!

The irony of these women saying Jas only switched dudes for airtime when they absolutely have only arced up about her switch for THEIR OWN AIRTIME HAHAHAH.

Anyway, this gal is like “I cannot believe this crime against humanity that has occurred” and starts bitching to Felix about it, who does not care bc it doesn’t involve boobs or his penis getting in the vicinity of boobs.

Meanwhile, Jed – in his new angelic form – is beyond chill with Jas shifting into Meditation Daddy’s camp because he is a normal, non-misogynistic man who can apparently handle rejection now. We’ve grown! Sort of! Because we are still supporting Tash who is awful! But still, progress!

Bluey is not having it though. She’s really obsessed with Jas getting the rose.

the bachelors
It’s giving me after three wines telling anyone who’ll listen the plot of Yellowstone

Jas tells us she’s more concerned about how the house is gonna lose it than she is about Jed, who has already reassured her he literally doesn’t give a fuck (in the nicest way possible). I’ve got a feeling, idk though, that tomorrow night’s The Bachelors is maybe going to involve the house losing it.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.