Hello and welcome to another episode of The Bachelor Australia! This season, we’re watching women compete for the heart / family mansion of one Jimmy Nicholson, a handsome pilot from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. And the claws are very slowly coming out as the series progresses.

I’m Josie, Head of Editorial here at PEDESTRIAN.TV and leading you on this recapping journey. Please settle back and join me for this relatively dull until right at the end episode of The Bachelor Australia.

With absolutely no lead-up at all, we are thrown straight into the waters of the Northern Beaches (metaphorically) where Jimmy is taking the lovely Ash on a date around his ‘hood. We get a little bit of background into Ash, who is a professional dancer. She says her life is missing one thing — you guessed it, a life partner. Sob.

The Bachelor Australia
come on in fellas

Jimmy picks her up in his boat and raves about taking her to a beautiful secluded spot called The Basin and if you were picturing white sands and crystal clear water, think again. It’s like the classic sewage-esque Fijian sludge that we’ve seen in Bachelor in Paradise.

how’s the serenity

Luckily, Jimmy and Ash are there to distract from the blue-green algae infested water with their stunning looks. Honestly, these two are an unfairly hot couple.

The Bachelor Australia
ugh adopt me please

They play some frisbee and get quite cosy in the water, probably against their will.

gonna need a tetanus shot after this

Over lunch, Ash raves about how she can’t even remember the last time someone took her out and did all these nice things for her.

Who’s gonna tell her that some Bachelor Australia named Craig probably organised literally every detail and just told Jimmy where to park his boat?

The Bachelor Australia
lol not me

As they are getting to know each other, Jimmy presents Ash with a gift… some binoculars? This smacks of a man panicking at the shops and running into the nearest store to grab anything remotely gift-like, but the nearest store is Australian Geographic.

so is the rose crushed up under these or what

He says it’s symbolic and something something shouldn’t look into the future anymore something something should live in the present? Whatever, it doesn’t matter because the big joker is behind her holding a rose! Jimmy! It didn’t take binoculars to see that gag coming! (Or the big pash they have afterwards).

Now the cute date is done we of course head to the saltiest place on earth, the Bachelor Australia mansion, where everyone is sitting around speculating about what Ash and Jimmy are doing.

Brooke, who had the first single date with Jimmy and therefore owns him, is feeling territorial.

yeah but he is my husband

When Ash returns in a blaze of glory, Tahnee uses her powers of deduction to point out that the straight hair Ash left the house with is now curly, so she must have gone swimming. How dare she!

The Bachelor Australia
I will spit on her head

Ash tells them all tales of her date, hints that they had a smooch and then shows off her rose. Everyone is understandably thrilled.

The next day, it’s group date / MG product placement time!

can someone tell me which car brand is advertising because I can’t quite tell

The gals drive in their MG cars to a lake, where they get out of their MG cars, spot Osher and a strange sea creature that comes bursting out above the surface of yet another sludge-filled body of water. Holy MG cars, what is that?

The Bachelor Australia
wow, the loch ness monster got jacked

It transpires that the group date is some kind of superhero dress up / flyboard date, which involves the girls getting into bikinis and asking Jimmy to help them with their “crafts”.

Sierah is put out by everyone throwing themselves at Jimmy, so decides to take the classy route and ask him to slather sunscreen all over her back. Well played, queen.

about 30cm lower would be great thanks

Once their costumes are done, they have to parade in front of Jimmy and somewhere, Kevin Feige the head of Marvel is quaking. How did he not think of Sierah’s alter ego, Professor Pisser, before?

a three-movie deal for Professor Pisser pls

In a classic Bachelor Australia dating trope, the girls must then have a flyboard-off to impress Jimmy, and he must pick a winner.

Despite her completely cooking it and eating sludge, Carlie wins the one-on-one time with Jimmy. Just when I thought Sierah couldn’t get more salty.

no, this salt is not sludge-related

Over another non-RSA approved Newcastle Pour of wine, Jimmy and Carlie get to know each other. There’s definitely chemistry there and they’re actually very cute and slightly awkward in an endearing way. Carlie is kind of blabbering endlessly which as a nervous talker I appreciate.

cab sauv, send me strength

Jimmy manages to shut her up by producing a rose from under his seat, which means she stops talking long enough for him to stick his tongue in.

Cocktail party time — yes, it’s one of those relatively short episodes where we suddenly are at the tail end. It makes me think some mild amount of shit is going to hit the fan tonight.

A group of the girls, led by Laura, “decides” that Jimmy should be allowed to choose who he speaks to instead of everyone trying to approach him every 30 seconds. This idea goes down like a fkn lead balloon, but all the girls reluctantly agree to this girl code by-law and say they won’t approach Jimmy.

The Bachelor Australia
wow GREAT idea Laura

Jay, however, doesn’t give a flying shit about any of this, because she has a legal loophole: the Business Lounge key — a first on The Bachelor Australia that allows her to have private time with Jimmy whenever she likes. Not only that, but she has “something special” planned and nobody can interrupt her. Suck shit, everyone else!

The girls are upset by this legal loophole that allows Jay to “steal” Jimmy, because their hands are tied by the bloody girl code which they stupidly agreed to and are now regretting by the second.

here’s what I think of girl code

Jay goes in hard by blindfolding Jimmy, telling him he has to guess what different New Zealand foods are and if he gets them wrong he has to take off a bit of clothing.

He keeps leaving out crucial words, with Jay scolding him: “It’s not cheddar cheese, it’s NEW ZEALAND cheddar cheese” and forcing him to take his shirt off. I’m not mad at this.

The Bachelor Australia
NZ cheddar goes well with Northern Beaches sausage

She also goes in for the kill and makes the first move, giving Jimmy a big old oyster/cheddar cheese flavoured kiss. Get it, Jay.

The Bachelor Australia
smells like bluff oyster to me!

Outside the girls are absolutely fuming that Jay didn’t obey their girl code, especially because it turns out she took most of the time with Jimmy, which we learn from the Sour Voiceover provided by Sierah.

I mean, this is ridiculous. It’s The Bachelor Australia! You’re supposed to abandon all dignity and throw yourselves at Jimmy, it’s basically in the rules. I’m in full support of Jay, tbh.

Osher comes in to do the Sad Maths — there’s 17 women, 15 roses, and two ladies going home tonight. Laura, whose idea it was to enforce the girl code, provides some Sour Voiceover by saying that she’d like to see the contract of the business lounge, because her girl code plan backfired spectacularly.

whose idea was that again

Jay gets the first rose, so clearly of the plans that were enacted tonight, hers didn’t backfire whatsoever. Stephanie cops the second rose while Brooke provides Stressed Voiceover as Lily, Ashleigh, Rebekah and Laura get roses and she wonders if her “connection” is strong enough with Jimmy.

The Bachelor Australia
but you’re my husband remember

Of course it is! Jimmy is not a dick!

With one rose left, Sierah is shitting it that she won’t get the rose. But of course Craig, the producer in Jimmy’s ear frantically telling him to keep her around because she’s the most entertaining, wins today, and she scores the final one.

The Bachelor Australia
I hope you’re HAPPY Craig

Chanel and Madison (who?) don’t get roses, so we must bid an emotional farewell these women who got 0.2 secs of screen time.

Until tomorrow, for another episode of The Bachelor Australia!