As an IBS girlie – irresistible babe syndrome, for those who don’t know – I love toilet humour. I also love shows like SAS Australia where celebrities and celebrity-adjacent folk are pushed to their limits and tasked with jumping out of helicopters, onto moving trains, and doing workouts that seem like a never-ending fitness boot camp. While I’m sure the Aussie stars were hoping to find out what they were capable of, I don’t think they expected that the biggest challenge they’d be facing would be a cheeky bout of constipation.
On last night’s episode, the recruits were faced with the issue after reportedly eating a diet of plain rice and some boiled eggs, according to news.com.au.
Football commentator Abbey Holmes admitted to struggling to get her shit on earlier in the week but thankfully she managed to pluck up the courage to drop a few kids off at the pool before episode three.
Sadly rugby union player Mahalia Murphy is still on struggle street.
“Has anyone not pooped since we’ve been here?” she asked the camp.
“I’ve pooed now. Have you pooed now?” Abbey responded.
Speaking from experience, there’s nothing like expelling the demon that is constipation so I bet Abbey is feeling lighter than a feather and ready to be yelled at by powerful short man Ant Middleton – who has remarkably sparkly eyes if you ever see him in person, for the record.
“I haven’t pooed,” Mahalia revealed. It’s been three days. I’m getting sympathy pains. The last time I was in this situation I had to go to the hospital because I thought my IUD had moved. Turns out I was just literally full of shit. But then again, there’s nothing new about that.
The other recruits offered to give Mahalia some space in case she had some poopy anxiety but I think it’s just the pure starch diet clogging her up.
Meanwhile, Zima Anderson, who is my Neighbours queen, was chitchatting away at no one while she pooped. Love this for her.
Other non-faeces-related stuff happened in the episode too. The recruits had to repel down a tower. Stephanie Rice dislocated her shoulder and almost blew herself up by being unable to throw a live grenade with her dislocated arm.
Anthony Mundine revealed that he is still devastated from missing out on the Aussie rugby team for the Kangaroo Tour, believing that he wasn’t selected due to potential racial undertones during selection.
10 out of the 14 initial recruits remain. Who will make it to the end?
My money is on Zima!
You can catch up on all available episodes of SAS Australia on 7plus.