Few, if any, people had a better Oscars night than Rami Malek. The world watched on as Malek picked up the Best Actor gong for his work in Bohemian Rhapsody before he subsequently stacked it right off the stage.
But what we didn’t see – what wasn’t broadcast on TVs around the world – was far more salacious. Far more lustful. Far, far sexier.
Malek, as it turns out, chose Oscars night to reveal a deep personal secret: He is ragingly horny for spraying champagne.
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Following the win, Malek tux’d up and attended the annual Academy Governor’s Ball, new golden mate at hand.
Upon his arrival, Malek was trotted out in front of press photographers and handed a very large bottle of champagne.
He then proceeded to go absolutely buckwild on that shit.
This entire sequence requires significant attention.
At first, as evidenced in the above photo, Rami seems incredibly perplexed by the sudden burst of liquid. Puzzled even. How, he wonders, can liquid sitting still in the bottle mere seconds before be suddenly popping off like the dick of a previously celibate giant?
And then it gets hornier.
Absolutely stunned at this turn of events, Rami – who apparently has never done this once before now – becomes completely transfixed by the champagne. He is hypnotised by it. He is one with the spray.
And then it gets hornier.
He is now besotted by this fizzy bitch. He gnarls the digits on his right hand into a come hither motion and attempts to finger the bottom of the bottle. He is dancing the sexy dance with this extremely large bottle of frothy French piss.
And then it gets hornier.
At this point he begins the transition; far from the awkward, surprised fumbling of a man jacking off his first cork, Rami is now moving with the bottle as one. He swings it upwards, wailing a guitar solo on it Brian May would both be impressed by and find deeply troubling.
And then it gets hornier.
At last: The final form. The piss of resistance. Rami discovers that the bottle can substitute for his dick. He can show off his wall-achingly massive glass dick, his fancy misshapen bottle dong for all these professional celebrity photographers.
And then finally, the vinegar strokes. The money shot. The champagne jism floweth. Rami stares bullets through the on-looking crowd. “Owhhh yeahhhh” he grunts “Cop a look at that.” Everyone is smiling and nodding their approval. “We’ve all done this, right lads?” he bellows as he sweeps the room, “We’ve all had a big ole’ cum out the Parisian toot flute before, haven’t we.” Not a single person can deny it.
Rami’s reward for all this? A glass of the good stuff, and a golden boy gripped tight in his left hand.
An insanely good night for the great man.
An unfathomably wet and horny night, sure. But a good night nonetheless.
