Hello, Neighbours stans! Are you all holding up OK after that bonkers finale? Are there tissues scattered on the floor following Susan’s tear-jerker monologue? Is your face still frozen in horror after watching Toadie get married in aubergine-coloured Converse?

I say “you” and not “we” because I am not a Neighbours stan. It’s truly nothing personal; it just hasn’t been a part of my life like other peak Australiana shows of yore, such as Thank God You’re Here.

But alas, I watched 90 per cent of that finale (10 per cent was lost due to an internet failure) and oh… my… God. I loved every second of it. Kylie Minogue saying literally nothing! Harold spraying Clive with a hose! Natalie Imbruglia AND Holly Vallance chatting on the same park bench! I was in bits. Absolute pieces. I had to turn the aircon on because I was sweating.

The ‘con actually went on approximately four minutes into the show starting, when Clive (Geoff Paine) proposed to Jane (Annie Jones) in a gorilla suit.

As true Neighbours stans will know, the gorilla suit — nay gorilla-gram — is a core tenet of Clive’s personality.

The monkey marriage situation was interrupted by a man on a motorbike, who revealed himself to be Mike. That’s right people, Guy Pearce made his way back to Ramsay Street for the first time since 1989 (with a stonking head of hair, might I add). A truly exciting moment for Twitter, indeed.

We then discovered Izzy (Natalie Bassingthwaighte) cheated on Malcolm (Benjamin McNair) with Shane (Peter O’Brien). If you need a refresher on your Neighbours lore, Malcolm is Karl’s son and Izzy and Karl once had an affair at some point.

I personally found it to be very iconique but the good people of Twitter were NOT having a bar of it. Low-key incest? Not the vibe.

Izzy and Susan (Jackie Woodburne) then started beefing. I screamed when Izzy said: “Did you slip on some milk and hit your head again?” but the rest of the scene was a wee bit emosh, with Susan giving the girl some stunning self-love advice.

Twitter screamed along with me. Who knew, Neighbours stans love a lil girl power moment.

But the people wanted drama! Chaos! Intrigue!

Alas, they just got Susan crying while walking up and down Ramsay Street because everyone put their houses up for sale to fuck off elsewhere. I don’t know where. I heard whispers of New York and Cape Town, which is quite a cosmopolitan smorgasbord of cities.

Twitter was also awash with people aching for a dog called Bouncer who I learnt had an ICONIC dream once, so naturally I am also obsessed with him now.

But we did not see Bouncer. And folks were NOT happy. What is the Neighbours finale if not for a Labrador returning from the dead!

Mike and Jane then started visiting all the empty houses of Ramsay Street. He was being a bit nostalgic and adorable and the Neighive was gagging for it.

Finally, the most intriguing part of the episode: a very pissed Clive tried to attack Mike with a lamp while comparing himself to said lamp, and then Harold (Ian Smith) soaked Clive with the hose. It was all very poetic and exciting.

But then HOLLY VALLANCE and NATALIE IMBRUGLIA rocked up!? A Felicity Scully and Beth Brennan meetup!? Twitter was screaming, crying and throwing up and so was I.

Toadie (Ryan Moloney) and Mel’s (Lucinda Cowden) wedding was ‘uge — not in numbers, because it legit seemed like only 10 people rocked up. But because no one died, which I (and Twitter) would argue is a great outcome from a wedding.

And the moment we were all waiting for: KYLIE MINOGUE aka Charlene Robinson. She was glowing and gorgeous in a delicious denim jumpsuit. She was also breaking and entering, which was a real #TBT for the true Neighbours stans of Twitter.

It must be noted, however, that she didn’t even say two words. I’m not sure how Twitter feels about it but personally, all is forgiven because I would literally die for Kylie.

After the wedding (with no body count) a stunning montage vid was played, with famous faces such as Margot Robbie (who played Donna Freedman) and Delta Goodrem (whose character was Nina Tucker) wishing Toadie all the best and giving their love to Ramsay Street.

TBH after I heard Margot and Delta were coming back for the Neighbours finale I kind of thought they’d play a bigger part but alas, beggars cannot be choosers.

Overcome with emotion, Mr Toadfish announced he wasn’t going ANYWHERE!

And in more touching scenes, Jane and Mike got back together and it was honestly fucking poignant. My eyes were wet for some reason but I wasn’t alone, for the good people of Twitter were also shooken.

The tears didn’t stop coming after we heard Susan’s heart wrenching monologue. Oh, sweet, innocent Neighbours finale: how you made me cry over a show I literally have never watched before in my life.

How could I forget! There was also CGI confetti which exploded from a rogue balloon, which filled Twitter and myself with joy. A fitting way to end the show IMO.

Farewell, Ramsay Street. The Neighbours finale didn’t see you explode into smithereens as rumoured but at least you gave us one final slither of chaos with the CGI glitter-filled balloon.

Source: Fremantle Australia / Network 10 / Neighbours